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A while ago, I had an important early meeting with an investor. It took me months to get on their schedule, so it was an exciting time.
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The night before, I went to bed early and set not one, but two alarms because, as a responsible adult, I wanted to make sure I woke up on time. The next morning, I woke up before either of those alarms went off.
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So, I tiptoed to the bathroom, not wanting to wake my wife, and quietly took care of my business. But, as luck would have it, I ended up waking her up.
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Going back into the bedroom, I apologized first before picking up various alarm clocks scattered around the room. I then headed into the shower for a nice, relaxing wash to wake myself up.
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I turned on the water, but the heating unit, which is over 20 years old, decided to fail on me. I knew I should have replaced it years ago, but it had been working fine until that moment. So, I had to go up into the attic, shivering and cold and completely naked, to reset the system.
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After waiting for ten minutes, I went back downstairs, stepped into the shower, and finally warmed up under the nice, hot running water. Life happens, and I tried to factor in enough time to make my train and grab a coffee at the station. Everything would be all good.
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After finishing my shower, I went downstairs for a quick breakfast. I felt pretty proud of myself for not spilling anything on my shirt. Then I hopped on my bike to get to the train station.
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Traffic was low, being early morning, so I was all good until I discovered I had a flat tire. Unfortunately, there were no buses available on my bike route, so I decided to walk while trying to maintain a comfortable pace in my fancy dress shoes.
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I arrived at the station sweaty, just in time to see my train leave. However, I found a bus waiting, so I still had 20 minutes to spare. I decided to buy a coffee and some deodorant to avoid being the smelly guy.
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Twenty minutes later, I caught my train without any more issues. When I arrived at my destination, I made sure to be the first to leave the train and ran up the stairs to get to the business district.
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Traffic was manageable, so I even gained back five minutes from the 20 minutes I had initially been late. I texted the investor's assistant along the way to keep them informed.
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I reported to the front desk, was shown into the meeting room, and then the investor walked in. It felt like I was facing a 7-foot tall beast in a three-piece suit with a double Windsor knot. When we shook hands, he gave me an intense stare and applied a death grip handshake that lasted just a bit too long.
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Before I could even explain myself, he remarked, 'If this is how you felt in my time, we should probably end this meeting right now.' I was taken aback, confused by his sudden judgment.
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I dealt with alarm clocks, ice-cold showers, and even made up five minutes of lost time while smelling nice. What more did he expect? Did he think I would just set up a tent on his front lawn before the meeting?
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I truly did my best, and I found it frustrating that I had to explain how things were not my fault. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. I just wished he could be a bit more understanding and empathetic.
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Now, let's do a quick experiment. You, sir, I’m going to throw you this pen. Try and catch it!
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So what just happened? Let's walk through this step by step. I am Roy. Now, what happened when I threw the pen? Yes, you were great—now throw it back!
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What actually took place was that the pen was thrown into the air and then fell to the ground. In hitting the ground, it drew a conclusion. Oddly, many people focus on the negative—even if no one actually caught the pen.
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This ties into the human reaction we have to focus on what’s not there rather than appreciating the actual situation. Our tendencies often lead us to compare current situations with prior experiences to make negative assessments.
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I shared this example because I want us to be nicer and more understanding of others. It’s not always easy, especially when, just this morning, I had the thought of giving a talk on empathy while almost being run over by a driver.
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Though I didn't think about the likely reasons behind that driver's actions, I reflected on how I often assume the worst in people. It’s time to change that perspective.
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As the title of this talk suggests, it’s not just about empathy; it’s also about providing a framework to enable you to become more empathetic by using acting techniques.
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What if, instead of just playing a scripted character, we used acting techniques to step into the role of different people in our lives? This framework is based on the notion that good acting is all about capturing genuine emotions to apply to fictional situations.
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This framework focuses on recognizing the emotional states of others and using your emotional memory—drawing on experiences from your own life—to relive those feelings when interacting with others.
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I will reiterate this key point in different ways throughout this presentation: good acting is based on a believable situation paired with recalled emotions. You might not understand this fully yet, but it will all come together by the end.
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I’m Roy, and if you want to tweet me, feel free. I’ve taken acting classes for the past nine years, both in scripted and improvisational theater. During the day, I’m a co-founder of Adapt Signals, the best APM for Ruby and Elixir.
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I’m also a human who interacts with other humans, and I’ve learned that practicing empathy makes it much easier to get along with everyone. By the end of this session, you'll understand why empathy is important and feel encouraged to practice it every day.
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In addition, you might even become better method actors than Marlon Brando and Daniel Day-Lewis combined! While I may not succeed in that, I’ll certainly give it my best shot.
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First, let’s establish some ground rules for what empathy actually is in this context. According to Dictionary.com, empathy is the psychological identification with or experiencing the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. In simple terms, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
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To be empathetic, you need to let go of any baggage you carry: your personal values, how you were raised, your capabilities, and anything you consider normal. We want to create a blank canvas upon which we can build a character and see through their eyes.
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More importantly, we want to feel what they are feeling. Before diving deeper, let’s discuss sympathy versus empathy.
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Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone's situation, but that does not help or inspire confidence in them that you truly understand. While feeling sympathy is better than ignoring someone’s situation altogether, we should strive for empathy instead.
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Being sympathetic can focus attention on the weakness of a person, while empathy aims to lift them up. Practicing empathy benefits the person showing it, too.
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For instance, if a colleague makes a mistake, it might be easy to get irritated and complain, but that doesn't improve the situation. Empathy allows you to see things from their perspective, which in turn helps avoid dragging others down.
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Before applying this in an office setting, let’s look at a classic TV example: the good cop versus bad cop scenario. In an interrogation room, one officer hovers menacingly over the suspect, shouting aggressively, while the ‘good cop’ stands back, offering a softer approach.
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This is a classical example of the drama triangle, a model of destructive human interaction often present in conflicts, including in office culture. This model was developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman in 1968.
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He was interested in acting and a member of the Screen Actors Guild, which helped shape his insights into the dynamic of conflict. According to this model, there are three roles that people often play in conflicts: victim, rescuer, and perpetrator.
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A victim feels or acts helpless, either due to their circumstances or by choice. Bob, who does the dishes every day, feels victimized because his colleague Alice never does her part.
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The rescuer feels guilty if they don't assist the victim, but they also want to keep the victim dependent on their help. Carol, another colleague, decides to step in and says she'll help Bob with the dishes—offering to do half the work.
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Then there’s the perpetrator, who blames the victim and often gets angry at them for their situation. Alice, for example, disdains Bob’s complaints as he tries to do what he can to maintain their workspace.
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In the workplace, these drama triangles appear more frequently than one might think. To avoid falling into this cycle, be conscious of which role you're playing in conflicts.
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If you notice a conflict arising, take a moment to step back and reflect on your role. Are you acting as a rescuer, a perpetrator, or falling into the victim role? By stepping away from the triangle’s dynamic, you can diffuse the situation.
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Acting also offers numerous valuable traits that can be helpful in everyday situations, especially when practicing empathy. One key lesson in acting is the importance of truly listening.
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In acting, your actions and emotions are built upon those of others, which requires genuine listening. If you’re distracted or not engaged, you won't be able to authentically respond in a scene.
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Another principle is acceptance. In improvisational theater, everything is spontaneous, and as a performer, you need to acknowledge whatever is presented to you. Denying information or emotions leads to a lack of believability.
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Letting go of status is crucial as well; on stage, no one is higher or lower than anyone else in that moment. Real-life interactions often create imbalances that can hinder honest communication.
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In acting, you're encouraged to switch roles and collaborate rather than compete. This can lead to healthier dynamics where everyone contributes to the experience without needing to win.
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Moreover, acting teaches you to focus on what is present, discarding all those elements that don't currently exist in that scene. This is essential for building genuine connections based on empathy.
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Now, what is acting? That’s a great question without a definitive answer. If you ask ten actors, you’ll receive ten diverse interpretations—all equally valid. Acting, to me, is about feeling genuine emotions in a make-believe context.
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In theater, conflict takes on an extensive meaning. It can be overt, like a fistfight, or subtle, like indecision. We might not pursue conflict in our daily lives, but avoiding confrontations entirely can cause tensions to escalate.
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Practicing empathy helps manage and resolve conflicts. Acting is a craft with many training methods, most prominently the Stanislavski method, which has influenced many famous actors over the years.
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One prominent method actor you may know is Daniel Day-Lewis. He describes acting as a gravitational pull toward another life, entering into that character's experience completely.
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Day-Lewis commits by learning languages and skills relevant to his characters. Despite his intense approach, we can adopt simpler techniques of empathy through acting.
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The history of these techniques stems from Stanislavski, who developed a comprehensive system in 1930s Russia and later influenced Strasberg, Adler, and Meisner in the U.S. Each of them emphasized different aspects of the craft—psychological, sociological, and behavioral.
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Today, I'm focusing on memory recall, particularly Affective Memory. This method empowers actors to access their own emotional experiences and apply them to performances, which is significantly beneficial in practicing empathy.
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Practicing empathy through method acting means being able to envision yourself in someone else's position. In theater, you embody a character in a script; in real life, you embody the individuals interacting with you.
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As actors subconsciously switch roles throughout the day, we can practice this intentionally by consciously stepping into one another's emotions and reactions. Let's call this our 'empathetic acting method.'
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This method can only work with people you know to an extent—co-workers, for example. It’s all about applying what you know of someone's background, their relationship status, or what might be affecting their emotional state.
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The goal isn’t to solve problems immediately but to understand the emotional reactions that contribute to them. We can employ five quick steps in this empathetic acting method.
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First, we need to let go of everything—our biases and preconceptions. This step can be quite challenging, especially when you’re part of the conflict. It's important to separate your own discomfort from others’ experiences.
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Next, determine the basic emotion someone is conveying. By simplifying our interpretations to basic emotions—anger, fear, sadness, happiness—we can begin to build a character understanding.
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After identifying the basic emotion, you should dig deeper to understand the complexities behind that emotion through active listening. Pay attention to cues that encourage someone to open up about their underlying feelings.
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Reflect on what you observe from them and respond with genuine curiosity. Rather than offering solutions, ask questions to gain clarity about their emotions, just as you would do when trying to understand a character's motivations.
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Finally, utilize memory recall techniques to better grasp emotions identical to those experienced by the person you're understanding. What does it feel like to be afraid or anxious in a real context, even if the exact details differ?
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You can remember a time when you felt worried and amplify that emotion. Apply it to the situation as if you are that person dealing with an equivalent challenge.
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Congratulations, you've taken significant steps toward understanding empathy through acting techniques. As a bonus, the sixth step involves conflict resolution, but that can sometimes be tricky.
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Though the practice of empathy may lead to deeper insights, eventually, you may want to resolve the issue at hand—so addressing practical aspects is also necessary. Show empathy, yet remain objective.
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In conclusion, I want to emphasize the importance of practicing empathy. Human beings can only thrive in an environment where they feel understood and valued.
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By sharing our feelings and allowing others insight into our lives, we create bonds that promote growth and mutual support. Let's strive to open up and connect through our shared experiences.
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In practical applications, when seeing a colleague running late, instead of getting frustrated, take a moment to ask about their current life situation. They might be facing challenges you were unaware of—showing kindness can spark positive connections.
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Thank you very much for your time and attention.