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All righty, welcome back everybody! I hope you have been having as much fun as we have with these talks and this conference in general. Can I get a couple of hands-up emojis in the chat, please? I'm having a blast!
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Let's head into our next talk. Before that, we will have our final developer dilemma of the day: Do you prefer to work remotely or in an office? Jump in! We're going to put that link into the YouTube chat; let us know. I'm eager to know.
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So, Raita, who's next? Our next speaker is Allison. Let's get her in the studio.
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Hi, Allison! Nice to have you here. Allison is no stranger to virtual conferences. She is a Mozilla Tech Speaker, Director of Engineering at GitHub, a developer, and a mom. She's also a former Rails Girls Washington member and creator of the Parent Driven Development podcast. Today, she will illuminate us on how working as a parent has been affected by these turbulent times. I can't wait! Alison, take it away.
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Excellent! Thanks so much for having me. Today, we are living in a completely different world than we were only a few months ago. The choices we are making and the way we are living our day-to-day lives—everything has changed, and it all changed really quickly. This new way of living is tough for everyone.
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As we navigate this pandemic around the world, you don’t have to look very far to see that working parents, and mothers in particular, are drowning. Article after article highlights the long-term effects we’re expected to endure. We’re all wearing many different hats right now. Even as I deliver this talk, I am waiting for information about my daughter’s preschool reopening, which is supposed to start next week, along with my son’s virtual kindergarten schedule.
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I’m sure all of that will go amazingly well! I'm also doing grocery shopping for my mom and navigating our family's health and well-being. Every day is a sprint of decision-making and new situations that I need to address. But this is also not a sprint; it’s a marathon, and you can only run that fast for so long before burning out.
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I have two wonderful children, a five-year-old and a two-year-old. They have both become very good at math! Like I mentioned in my introduction, I work at GitHub as a Director of Engineering, focusing on Codespaces and a variety of other teams. I’m on the board of Ruby Central, where the call for papers is currently open for RubyConf. I’m a Mozilla Tech Speaker and run a podcast called Parent Driven Development about being a parent in tech.
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Not all the problems we’re seeing are new. When I first returned to work after having my son, it was after only six weeks, and it was intense. I struggled with the isolation of being a parent in tech and the challenges of balancing it all. To be completely honest, there have been times in the last handful of years where I wasn’t sure if I could remain in tech and be a successful mom.
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I considered leaving tech more than once and going back to fields or positions where I could do a little more on autopilot. You see cute pictures of parent life on social media, but it’s not always like that. For me, especially in the early days with both kids, it was hard, tiring, and sometimes really lonely.
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I reached out to other parents to ask questions, which led me to creating a survey. Here’s a bit of what I found: in an industry that values open-source contributions, GitHub as your resume, and keeping up to date with the most recent programming developments, parents were already struggling. They faced challenges with job interviews that included code challenges claiming it would only take four to six hours of focus time to complete.
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Do you know when the last time I had six straight hours of focused time outside of my workday was? About five and a half years ago before my son was born! They were also challenged with staying sharp. A study from Outlet Baby Care found that parents lose a total of 44 days of sleep in their child’s first year, and a newer study found that parents are sleep-deprived for six years after having a child.
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And all of this was pre-pandemic, when at least we could head into our easier day jobs. When I asked if having children helped or hurt their careers, only a small portion of respondents identifying as fathers said it had hurt their careers. They felt it either helped or had a neutral impact. However, about sixty percent of respondents identifying as women said that having children hurt their careers.
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Moreover, even more women felt that it didn’t hurt their careers but changed them. Many women stated that it slowed their career progression, affecting their overall trajectory and growth potential. I would venture to say those changes are indeed hurting mothers’ careers. The total breakdown of parents based on whether they felt having a child helped, hurt, had no impact, or both helped and hurt their careers can be eye-opening.
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When breaking down the data based on mothers’ responses, the pieces look quite different. I want to note here that I don’t have this information breakdown for non-binary folks or respondents who don’t identify as mothers or fathers, because there aren't enough survey results yet from that population. This data is backed up by additional research. A 2018 study on children and gender inequality in Denmark shows results based on gender and earnings.
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Given all these challenges, I wanted to talk about some solutions or things that might help, especially now during these times. We’ll start with company-based solutions. First, allow flexible, creative, or unconventional work options. I’m going to mostly bypass remote work for now since many of us are already working remotely.
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But if you’re not actively offering that already, it’s definitely a must-have! Many parents now aren’t just dealing with the regular benefits of working remotely, like avoiding commuting. In places where schools and childcare facilities are reopening, they’re coming back with quite a few rules and restrictions.
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I support these rules, as we tend to be more cautious than some folks around us. However, I also recognize the burden of keeping a toddler home when they just have a runny nose. If my daughter ends up going back to preschool, I wonder if she’ll even be there at all between October and March, when a runny nose is typically the norm.
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For those with school-age children at home, even older kids require some extra attention or supervision, which increases the younger the child is. Most adults I know find it hard to spend hours in Zoom meetings each day, so we need to remain empathetic towards our little ones, as well as to the parents supporting them.
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What creative working solutions or hours look like will differ for different parents and kids at various ages. For companies considering what can be offered, there’s no one-size-fits-all here. Second, companies can take a much more proactive role in creating support systems. A simple example could be a parenting Slack channel where parents share experiences, issues, and resources with one another.
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A more engaging option might be to connect parents with kids of similar ages who are facing similar challenges. A hot topic at work right now is looking for shared resources on worksheets, homeschooling, or anything that keeps our children engaged for more than five minutes. Establishing these structures creates safer spaces for individuals to discuss their successes and challenges.
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Finally, we need to train managers, as they will play a significant role during this pandemic in determining whether parents stay or leave. Managers set the tone for boundaries on teams, working hours, meeting cadences, and expectations in general. They must be trained on how to be accommodating, have constructive and empathetic conversations, and support employees during this time.
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Third, create realistic expectations for parents at work. If your company runs on KPIs or goal-setting, recognize that these goals should be different this year for parents. Encourage smaller, more manageable goals and help employees determine how much they can realistically accomplish. Do not penalize them for achieving less this year or for setting more realistic, which may be seen as lower, expectations for work-related goals.
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Retaining parents in your workforce is incredibly beneficial and essential. If your company currently lacks a valid answer to the question, 'How are you supporting employees during this pandemic?' you need to do some serious thinking. If you’re a manager, encourage realistic goal-setting. This approach goes back to supporting and retaining your employees long-term. Work with them and let them dictate what’s realistic right now.
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The solutions proposed include creative working options, support systems, and realistic expectations. These items, when implemented, provide positive benefits for the entire company. The open acceptance of diversity and intentional support regarding the uniqueness of teammates' lives foster an atmosphere in teams where managers and employees establish support systems and realistic expectations.
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Anyone going through hardships or life adjustments feels supported, and once we create these systems and benefits, it’s easier to see how similar accommodations for others enable teams to thrive. Support systems could help individuals avoid burnout, and normalizing discussions about struggles and successes increases the likelihood that someone burning out will speak up earlier.
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Realistic expectations encourage teams to create better guidelines surrounding work and promotions—helping underrepresented minorities succeed. Creative working options assist companies in attracting top talent regardless of where they live. Additionally, there are things we as parents can and should do.
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First, we need to eliminate parent guilt. I know it’s easier said than done, as there’s so much parent guilt right now due to what we can't do and what we have to let slide to find balance. However, that is simply the reality of our current situation. We need to realize that working and engaging in things we love are still important—for us and for our children to see.
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Next, schedule self-care days. It took me a long time, even pre-pandemic, to prioritize this. Nowadays, many folks are hesitant to take time off because we can’t go anywhere, but taking time off is critical. I took a week off in June with one day dedicated solely to playing my Nintendo Switch in the woods.
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My partner and I have been arranging these breaks over the past few months as a chance not to be on duty for a full 24 hours. It is important not to put off self-care days and ensure time for recharging.
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Third, we can only improve the situation if we’re united. At work, we have a parenting channel, and many people have expressed that the existence of that channel has been incredibly helpful for sharing ideas, stories, hacks, and struggles. We are also in the process of establishing a new Parents ERG (Employee Resource Group) to focus on parents’ needs.
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Having the ability to speak with one another and share challenges, solutions, and suggestions is invaluable, akin to having a support group for mom's post-birth. Supporting one another as parents in tech makes us stronger and better, providing us with a more united voice.
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Next, we need to share the mental load, especially among mothers, who are disproportionately affected. In 2015, a Pew Research Center study surveyed 1,800 working parents about who manages their children’s schedules and who cares for kids when they’re sick. There have been numerous articles discussing the mental load and other burdens that primary caregivers are currently experiencing.
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For instance, millennial mothers are nearly three times more likely than millennial fathers to report being unable to work due to school or child care closures, despite the fact that over 60% of mothers in the U.S. are now the sole or co-breadwinners. Consider this hypothetical scenario: you have a partner who is great—which might be an assumption.
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You agree on a decent split of work, sharing pickups, drop-offs, and who stays home with the kids on days off, but what about all the other responsibilities? Who thinks about what the kids will eat for lunch, schedules doctor's appointments, or remembers when schools will be closed? Who knows what developmental milestones a child needs or what's coming next? Who buys birthday presents for upcoming parties, reviews homework plans, and packs for family trips?
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Now think about how many more decisions you have to make or how much more needs coordination due to considerations since coronavirus hit. If you’re already splitting this load, I applaud you! But for many families, that isn’t the case. If you aren’t sharing this mental load yet, I have a link on my website to a worksheet that can help start this conversation.
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An example I implemented was a checklist on our door detailing who needed what in order to leave the house because I noticed I was taking on the mental burden of ensuring everyone was ready in the morning, even on the days my husband was in charge.
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With that checklist on the door, we could both ensure everyone had what they needed without me bearing that burden alone. So, to recap: eliminate parent guilt, schedule self-care days, find a community, and share the mental load. As team members, just existing as a parent on your team fosters improvement.
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You are organized, and you need to set boundaries while maintaining some form of work-life balance. Being this role model benefits everyone, even if they aren't consciously aware you’re modeling it. For example, last year, during a team off-site, I brought my family along. In order to be present for dinner and bedtime, our day ended at five, and we didn’t meet up for dinner until about 7 or 7:30.
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My team later shared that they loved our meeting schedule, not knowing I created that break for personal balance. When I explained why the break existed, they realized it benefited both me and my family, as well as giving them the chance to recharge.
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Now, let's talk about what colleagues can do. Colleagues, with or without children, hold power and ability to enhance team dynamics and improve workplace conditions for all parents. First, if you don’t have children or if the majority of your team is childless, don't create awkward situations regarding parenting.
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These days, I take many meetings with a child on my lap and often need to pause to answer urgent questions from them. I’m not sorry. You might also ask parents about what they prefer when a child walks into the frame. Personally, I dislike when someone asks if I need to go attend to my child. I certainly notice them and will respond if needed; they’ll probably walk away shortly after.
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It’s more considerate to give parents the choice of pausing when needed. However, under no circumstances should you suggest to a parent, especially a mother, that it looks like they’re busy and that you’ll let them go. Second, be friendly!
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Simply checking in with each other shows that you care, displaying appreciation and support for parents and all individuals in the workplace. Finally, make your voice heard. Parents are exhausted, doing their best to juggle demands while remaining available for work and their children.
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Voicing their needs is important because many are fearful that sharing concerns could jeopardize their jobs. If someone suggests another late meeting or criticizes a parent for needing time off because their child is sick, it can break a parent’s spirit. If you recognize this behavior, it’s constructive to speak up.
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For example, saying something like, ‘I know this meeting is running over, but we want to respect those with hard stops,’ can make a huge difference for parents. Furthermore, recording meetings ensures that those who cannot be present can catch up later on their own time, which is incredibly supportive. A special hack for parents is to take advantage of watching recordings on 1.5 or 2x speed.
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Finally, if someone mentions a word or concept you don't know, look it up. Most of us are good at googling, so don't hesitate to seek out answers. If you don’t understand terms like childcare costs or sleep regressions, just take the time to learn more.
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In the final summary, normalize conversations about parenthood, be friendly, speak up, and use Google! While there specific actions that colleagues can take to help parents, these actions ultimately benefit everyone and strengthen teams. These suggestions really boil down to increasing empathy, curiosity, and interest in your colleagues' lives, as well as a desire to understand one another.
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When these factors are incorporated into a team’s culture, it leads to stronger, more effective teams who can support and understand each other better. You might speak up to support parents on your team, but in doing so you’re also learning to recognize situations where different accommodations are helpful.
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Strong teams attract and retain a more diverse talent pool. Some days, it all works out, and other days, it certainly does not. Some days, I can give 100% to both kids and my job, but others, I feel I’m failing my children or my job.
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It's crucial for all of us, as developers, colleagues, peers, and managers, to focus on these matters. We must not allow a generation of talented working mothers to slip away. Recently, during a conversation with Anna McKenzie, one of the co-authors of the Parenting Playbook, she mentioned that how we work and what work looks like is a social construct that hasn’t changed in years.
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She’s right—it can certainly be said for schools and how we educate our children as well. I don’t know what the solutions are, but there isn’t a single checkbox that will accommodate everyone, nor is there a guidebook for how companies, individuals, or peers can handle this best.
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We need to reimagine everything, both for now and perhaps forever. As we prepare for potential future waves of COVID-19, parents are awaiting developments on reopening schools and daycares, hoping to stay prepared for whatever comes next.
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The main question on my mind is: which will happen first? Will parents break, or will we find a new way of working? All I can say from one parent to another is that you are doing a great job. Thank you!
00:31:57.920
Wow, Allison, thank you so much! That was incredible. You did a great job, and you are doing a great job. It’s so important for us to have a little more empathy for different perspectives when it comes to working in tech and other areas.
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Let’s take a moment to breathe and hydrate. I’m going to share the results of today’s final developer dilemma: do people prefer working in an office or remotely? The results are in!
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Eighty-five percent of you prefer working remotely, while fifteen percent prefer working in an office. Feel free to throw any questions you might have for Allison into the YouTube chat. In the meantime, Allison, thank you once again.
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As a non-parent myself, I’m curious if you have any further reading or maybe a Parent Driven Development podcast episode you’d recommend for me to get started and learn more.
00:33:05.760
Yeah! To shamelessly plug the Parent Driven Development podcast, if you check out the episode list, we cover a diverse range of topics, providing bite-sized insights into various parenting aspects. It’s good to get a sense of what parents are dealing with and share ideas.
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Additionally, if your company has a parenting channel, I know that many folks at GitHub joined simply to gain insights into what parents discuss and face daily. Encouraging non-parents to express interest in these topics fosters open communication.
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There are numerous parents concerned about how their role may be perceived at work, especially mothers. They worry about the impact on their professional image, so being supportive and showing interest can go a long way.
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Thank you so much! Unfortunately, we don't have any more questions for today, but how can we reach you? What’s the best way?
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Twitter is probably the best way! You can find me at @Ali_P on Twitter. Thank you all once again.
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We’re about to take a short break before our final talk of the day, as this day has flown by! Don’t go anywhere, folks—we’ll be back in about 17 minutes at 8 o'clock CEST.
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Thanks again, Allison!
