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RailsConf 2019 - Failure, Risk, and Shame: Approaching Suffering at Work by Amy Newell

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“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” - The Dread Pirate Roberts

Are you dreading an email from work while you’re at this conference? Ruminating over last week’s outage? Worried you’re not learning enough because you can’t stay focused on the talks?

These are three kinds of suffering we all experience at work: uncertainty, failure, and insufficiency. All three are an inevitable part of our work. But more than that: they are necessary. Join me to learn some ways to approach suffering that can make you happier, healthier, and even a better developer.

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In her talk titled "Failure, Risk, and Shame: Approaching Suffering at Work" presented at RailsConf 2019, Amy Newell explores the inherent suffering we experience in the workplace and offers strategies for navigating these emotional challenges effectively. Newell, a director of engineering at Wistia and someone with personal experience in managing emotional suffering due to bipolar disorder, emphasizes that suffering is an unavoidable part of work life.

### Key Points Discussed:
- **Inevitability of Suffering**: Newell argues that suffering, in forms of uncertainty, failure, and shame, is a natural aspect of work. Trying to avoid it can lead to increased suffering.
- **Responses to Pain**: She presents three common ways people react to workplace pain: 1) Blaming others, 2) Self-blame, and 3) Numbing emotions. Each of these responses not only fails to alleviate the pain but often exacerbates it.
- **First vs. Second Arrow**: Newell introduces the concept of the "first arrow" (the initial pain) and the "second arrow" (the suffering we inflict upon ourselves in response). She encourages the audience to minimize second arrows through skillful handling of their emotions.
- **Mindfulness Techniques**: Techniques such as gratitude practice, recognizing and allowing emotions, and nurturing oneself are recommended as ways to mitigate suffering. Newell suggests using the RAIN model (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) as a framework for dealing with painful emotions.
- **Learning from Failure**: Newell highlights the importance of understanding failure as a learning experience. Failure should not be avoided but embraced as a critical component of growth.
- **Dealing with Anxiety**: She addresses anxiety as a useful emotion when it leads to proactive behaviors, but warns against allowing it to overwhelm one's ability to function.
- **Shame Management**: Newell discusses shame as a harmful feeling that can lead to self-doubt and limit potential. Recognizing shame and separating it from the desire for improvement can encourage healthier self-reflection.

### Conclusion:
Newell concludes that by skillfully managing suffering, individuals can enhance their resilience and ultimately become better developers. The talk emphasizes that addressing suffering is pivotal not only for personal well-being but also for fostering empathy and connection within teams. Practicing self-compassion and recognizing the shared experience of suffering among colleagues are key takeaways aimed at transforming emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and improved workplace culture.

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