Hacking Your Emotional API

RubyConf AU 2019

John Sawers

@johnksawers

#emotional-intelligence

#mental-health

#community-building

#personal-development

#soft-skills

#developer-experience-dx

#team-dynamics

Hacking Your Emotional API

by John Sawers

Summary of 'Hacking Your Emotional API'

In this talk presented at RubyConf AU 2019, John Sawers focuses on the intersection of emotions and programming, introducing the concept of modeling emotions as an API. He shares insights from over two decades of experience as a developer while also incorporating his learnings from emotional workshops.

Key Points:

Emotions as an API: Sawers proposes an analogy that our emotional responses function like an API with various endpoints that handle basic emotions. Experiences act as middleware, influencing how these endpoints register and respond to events.
Impact of Childhood: He explains how societal conditioning often leaves individuals ill-equipped to understand and express emotions, leading to struggles in emotional handling as adults.
Emotional Work Importance: Ignoring emotions only intensifies them, leading to adverse effects on cognitive function and job performance. Unprocessed feelings can lead to powerlessness, hampering focus and problem-solving abilities.
Community and Collaboration: As developers, effective communication and empathy are critical for enhancing teamwork. Understanding emotions not only aids personal effectiveness but also fosters better relationships within a community.
Emotional Toolkit: Sawers presents a four-level toolkit designed to help individuals process emotions. Level one focuses on reframing perceptions of emotions, while subsequent levels build up to engaging with emotions in group settings.
Gradual Incorporation: Attendees are encouraged to adopt one technique from the toolkit and gradually build their emotional fluency rather than attempting to implement all suggestions at once.
Continuous Improvement: The process of emotional work can lead to better relationships and a more fulfilling life, with even a slight improvement in emotional skills leading to exponential benefits in interactions with others.

At the conclusion of the talk, Sawers reiterates the significance of emotional intelligence in professional settings and invites the audience to explore their own emotional landscapes through practical exercises.

Main Takeaways:

Understanding and processing emotions is vital for personal and professional development as a developer.
The tools to manage emotional responses can lead to improved cognitive function and better workplace relationships, which ultimately contribute to career advancement and personal well-being.

00:00:00.000 Next, we have John Sawers speaking here for the first time in Australia. He has come from Boston, where it was a chilly negative 15 degrees Celsius. It's impressive that he is here in our 30-something degree weather. John has been working as a developer for over two decades, starting with languages like PHP, Perl, and Java. Eventually, he discovered Ruby on Rails and sought opportunities to work with it. He has been focused on Ruby and Rails ever since. Currently, he is working at Privia Health, a company that aims to improve the American healthcare system. While it may seem like a low bar for the American health system to improve, they are indeed trying to do some significant work.

00:01:07.000 He is a panelist on the 'Great of Encode' podcast and has also helped organize the scholarship and guide program at Rubicon.

00:01:09.000 This is what helped us model our own guide program implemented this year at RIT. Now, please give a warm welcome to John.

00:01:13.630 Good morning, everyone. Welcome to 'Hacking Your Emotional API.' Today, I'm going to talk about emotions and the impact they can have on our lives as developers. My name is John Sawers. As mentioned, I've been coding for over 20 years. In addition to being a founder, CTO, and developer, I have also spent years helping people navigate some of their most intense emotional experiences. Based on what I learned from those experiences, I have created a metaphor to describe how emotions work.

00:01:19.580 I will walk you through that metaphor, discuss why it's important to understand emotions, and share techniques that you can use to enhance your skills. But first, let's start with a quote that I find quite humorous and relatable: Why do so few of us feel like we understand what our emotions are doing? I believe it is largely due to how we are raised. As children, we often only get half the picture with constant feedback about what not to do. We're advised not to cry, not to run, and not to make a scene, and to use our inside voices.

00:01:54.440 However, we rarely learn what we should do to handle our emotions appropriately or express our feelings properly. Many of our parents likely didn't know how to help us in this area either, and unfortunately, school isn't much better. Like parents, schools tend to punish us for mishandling emotions without providing the tools to improve. As a result, each of us has to figure out how emotions work through trial and error, leading to varying degrees of success. I certainly struggled with this years ago, which is why I put this talk together. My goal is to help everyone improve in this critical area.

00:02:35.360 This talk is built from my own experiences and represents one approach to understanding emotions. It's not the only way; there are plenty of other models available. If this one doesn't work for you, I encourage you to explore other frameworks.

00:02:57.800 Now, let's discuss our emotional API. These are the core endpoints that manage our basic emotions, hardwired into us. However, these endpoints are rarely called directly; instead, we have a layer of emotional middleware in place. There are thousands of mappings that translate events into our emotional API, developed through our life experiences. These mappings are unique to each person: everyone's emotional middleware is different.

00:03:34.800 For example, consider the experience of losing your job. The emotional API might register responses such as 100 calls to the fear endpoint and 20 calls to the sadness endpoint, triggering a powerful emotional reaction. The unfortunate news is that any individual can call these endpoints at any time, but this is manageable. By applying the tools I will discuss today, you can refactor your emotional middleware, choosing appropriate responses when those API calls come in.

00:04:51.500 This metaphor serves as a framework for understanding mental health and discussing feelings. What I appreciate about this model is how it breaks down the complex, messy blob of emotions into smaller, more manageable concepts that are easier to discuss. I'll segue into the next section with another interesting quote.

00:05:26.040 I have to be honest: I don’t particularly enjoy working with emotions, and I suspect you don't either. Unfortunately, I cannot make that discomfort go away. To illustrate why it’s worthwhile to endure the labor of emotional work, I will explore some surprising—and not-so-surprising—effects that emotions can have on our work as developers.

00:06:02.740 Let’s start with the unpleasant truth: no matter how much you wish to, you cannot truly avoid your feelings. Studies have shown that when individuals try to suppress an emotional response, their nervous systems exhibit failure. The effects of the emotion they are trying to suppress often linger or intensify, as they're trying not to express that emotion. Therefore, emotions are unavoidable.

00:06:39.660 Let’s examine how emotions impact our job performance, particularly when we are seated alone in front of a computer. Unprocessed emotions can lead to feelings of powerlessness, which refers to a lack of control over your life, career, or the ability to manage challenges that may arise.

00:07:00.420 Think back to a significant emotional upheaval you’ve experienced, such as losing your job. In those situations, you likely did not feel powerful. Studies investigating the effects of this powerlessness indicate a negative impact on cognitive functions, particularly executive function.

00:07:34.040 Executive function involves our ability to focus attention, plan, organize, remember details, and solve problems. For many of us, these are the skills we utilize daily. Thus, when our executive function is compromised, our ability to deeply focus on code is hindered, making it more challenging to identify bugs and design intricate systems. These same studies also demonstrated that powerlessness adversely affects short-term memory, which can complicate the process of troubleshooting issues within a complex system.

00:08:06.290 Additionally, in high-stress situations—like a production incident, a demo with executives, or crunch time just before a release—our ability to manage that stress is reduced. Reflect on your most recent experience in a tense situation; do you want the stress from that incident to influence you positively or negatively?

00:08:50.840 Conversely, having a solid framework for processing emotions can restore your sense of empowerment and significantly counter all the previously mentioned issues. When children are educated in emotional hygiene techniques, we observe improvements in their behavior as expected, but they also show increased academic achievement.

00:09:24.660 Similar educational approaches in adults yield the same results along with positive impacts on long-term physical health. When your emotions function optimally, your body thrives as well.

00:10:00.340 Whether you're working on an open-source project, as part of a large corporate team, or within a two-person startup, thriving within a diverse community necessitates developing skills in empathy, communication, and understanding. Being a proficient developer goes beyond writing flawless code; it encompasses being part of a community. We are all gathered here today, and in many respects, the non-coding facets of a developer's life prove to be just as vital—if not more so—than the coding skills themselves.

00:10:32.720 The code can only progress so far when interpersonal relationships fail to foster collaboration among team members. Therefore, let's consider how feelings impact our teamwork.

00:10:59.380 Interestingly, as you work to comprehend your own emotional reactions, that understanding will naturally extend to understanding others as well. We're all human and function in remarkably similar ways. In his book 'Emotional Intelligence,' Daniel Goleman presents data demonstrating that emotional intelligence correlates with career advancement, suggesting that possessing these skills can lead to better job opportunities and quicker promotions.

00:11:27.960 As I mentioned earlier, when we regain that sense of power, we become less self-centered, and our capacity for empathy is enhanced. As Laura mentioned yesterday, we rarely intend to harm others with our words, yet unintentional harm often results from lack of understanding. By deepening our comprehension of others' emotional responses, we can reflect before we react, ensuring our words do not cause inadvertent harm.

00:12:11.320 This quote from a developer at Valve Games encapsulates my point well: these are just some of the reasons we should engage in emotional work.

00:12:38.440 Now, I would like to share my emotional toolkit with you, hoping that you can utilize these tools in your own life. I've categorized them into four levels of difficulty. Level one introduces new ways to think about emotions. Level two introduces techniques you can employ independently to begin building emotional fluency.

00:13:02.300 Level three builds on the methods from level two but involves working alongside someone else, which can be somewhat more challenging as it necessitates openness and vulnerability. Level four is the most powerful yet also the most daunting, as it involves being open and honest in a group setting, but it can yield significant impact.

00:13:43.080 Let's begin with level one. Altering our perception of feelings can create a substantial impact due to the lack of formal education in this aspect. We accumulate numerous misconceptions, so it's time to clarify how emotions function. The first concept to understand about emotional reactions is that they are not immutable; they are akin to legacy code developed over your lifetime and can be refactored.

00:14:26.560 Moreover, we have control over where and when we process our emotions. We have an excellent job queue at our disposal, allowing us to identify the most opportune times and spaces to address our feelings. If the present moment isn't suitable, we can signal that it belongs on the queue and revisit it later.

00:15:01.280 Unfortunately, many of us have been trained to push our feelings onto this queue, and because we lack education on emotion management, we often don’t return to address them. Consequently, that queue can accumulate over a lifetime.

00:15:41.210 The techniques found in this toolkit will aid you in beginning to clear that backlog. People frequently become entangled in their emotions, pondering what they imply about them—especially if they hold strong feelings. However, emotion is merely an experience, much like hunger; it's simply happening and does not define your identity.

00:16:20.340 While feelings can be deeply personal, they do not constitute who you are. Feeling angry does not signify that you're an angry person or a monster incapable of self-control. However, intense emotions such as anger can be frightful, evoking a fear of losing control.

00:16:48.340 Notably, emotions produce two layers of feelings. The first layer arises from the day-to-day experience, and the second layer is the feeling about having a feeling. This complexity often exacerbates difficulties because it's possible that emotions can plunge even deeper.

00:17:12.350 The feelings that arise in specific situations may not align with what seems reasonable at an intellectual level. For instance, if you lose your job, your responses might include relief, anger, fear, guilt, or a mixture of those feelings. None of them are incorrect; they are simply your genuine emotional responses that must be felt and processed.

00:18:02.890 I often refer to unprocessed emotions as emotional debt, comparing it to buggy or convoluted code, which represents technical debt. Just like technical debt, emotional debt hinders your present achievements.

00:18:34.630 Additionally, many of us hold the belief that a feeling's intensity may prevent us from expressing it. We may worry about losing control, thinking that if we express our anger, we might never stop yelling, or if we reveal our sadness, we might not stop crying. Contrary to this belief, experts suggest that feelings typically only last about 20 minutes, and my experiences corroborate this.

00:19:13.470 That wraps up level one. Now, onto level two—actions you can complete on your own to cultivate an understanding of your emotional reactions while gaining direct experience with the concepts discussed.

00:19:49.780 I'll briefly mention a useful technique you may have heard of known as 'rubber duck debugging.' Have you ever experienced moments where you feel stuck on a problem and unable to progress? After walking away due to frustration, you return to discuss the issue with a co-worker. In the midst of explaining the problem, a lightbulb moment occurs, even before they respond. This phenomenon is common.

00:20:30.990 To facilitate a similar experience, keep a rubber duck on your desk (a cat or dog toy will suffice). Talking to it about your problem can often trigger insights just as effectively as discussing them with a colleague.

00:20:53.230 Likewise, discussing your emotions can advance your recognition of them. Here are some supportive tips for communicating feelings: you may have noticed that this section emphasizes solo activities, which is where the rubber duck aspect comes into play. This hack proves effective when verbalizing your emotions, just as it does in technical discussions.

00:21:41.170 Oftentimes, simply vocalizing your feelings, even to no one at all, can foster understanding and enable you to process them better. Engage in a verbal exploration of your feelings by trying out various expressions, even if you're unsure of the correct terminology. You may discover the perfect word to define what you're feeling, leading to increased clarity and comprehension.

00:22:01.440 Use a feelings wheel to guide you in this process, which offers suggestions for naming emotions. Developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox in the 1980s, it isn't exhaustive, as you may disagree with certain placements, but it functions well as a supportive tool for getting started. Come find me after the talk—I have copies to share.

00:22:38.790 Discussing feelings can be viewed as repeatedly calling your emotional API, helping you to practice experiencing what those feelings entail, so you can become intimately acquainted with the emotional landscape of your own experiences.

00:23:06.730 I recommend creating a weekly practice, akin to an emotional retrospective, where you reflect on the feelings you've experienced throughout the week. This could be as simple as naming those feelings or diving deeper to discover underlying causes, patterns, and commonalities in your experiences. Becoming accustomed to processing everyday feelings will leave you better equipped to handle more potent emotional experiences when they arise.

00:23:50.330 While I'm unable to elaborate on levels three and four, I will briefly note that individual practice can yield more results than you may anticipate. Collaborating with others amplifies the impact of emotional work. However, for many, the thought of sharing deep emotions in a group setting evokes fear.

00:24:30.240 Before participating in such exercises, I too felt daunted. Yet, going through this process revealed the profound effect it can have. I delve deeper into this aspect in subsequent parts of my talk, which are accessible online at emotionalAPI.com.

00:25:13.690 While you're there, you can subscribe to my mailing list, where I’ll be offering a quick reference guide summarizing the concepts discussed today, which you will receive upon signing up.

00:25:57.830 My toolbox encompasses these tools, each serving as a hack to arrive at one singular goal: to feel your feelings without stifling them, analyzing them, denying them, or indulgently extending them. Feelings merely seek to be validated.

00:26:36.440 These capabilities have been labeled soft skills, but this terminology frustrates me, as it undermines the effort and dedication required to cultivate these abilities—often more so than learning programming languages or frameworks.

00:27:03.460 That's precisely why I'm addressing you today. I'm hopeful that this framework will accelerate your progress. As I near the conclusion, let’s consider actionable next steps. You know how you read a blog post about best practices and think, 'This is fantastic! If we implement these changes, our code will vastly improve.' Then you rush to the editor, only to realize that with 800 models, changes are utterly unfeasible.

00:27:42.300 Emotional work parallels that experience. Don't attempt to apply every suggestion I’ve offered all at once; it may prove daunting. Instead, select one idea that resonates with you and begin to incorporate it into your daily life. Once you're comfortable with that, revisit this talk, select another concept, and integrate it. Gradually, you'll start building up these vital skills.

00:28:06.140 Your relationships begin with you. By utilizing the tools I’ve introduced, you can choose how to apply them to foster presence, authenticity, and capability across all of your relationships. Every person in your life is impacted by your emotional state. Improving even by a mere 10 percent will yield collective benefits across all of your relationships, translating to exponential improvements in your overall life.

00:28:52.360 Thank you so much for joining me today. I appreciate your time and attention. The slides are available online, and I will publish them on Twitter later. Additionally, you can watch the talk on emotionalAPI.com. Don’t forget to grab a feelings wheel from me before you leave; I have plenty to share. Here are some references should you wish to explore the research behind this topic further.

00:29:55.200 [End of the talk]

RubyConf AU 2019