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And welcome to "Hacking Your Emotional API."
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I've been writing code for almost 30 years now, and for the past decade, I've been working with people as they delved into their deepest and most intense emotions. Based on what I've learned through that experience, I've created a metaphor to describe how emotions work within each of us.
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In this talk, I'm going to walk you through this metaphor. I'll explain why it's important, and I'll provide some practical steps that you can take to level up your skills in this area. First, I want to give a quick content warning because I will be discussing topics like divorce and the death of a loved one. If you need to step out, that's perfectly fine.
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To kick things off, let me share a quote that I find quite amusing. It resonates with many of us: Why do so many of us feel like we don't really understand our emotions? The answer lies in how we're raised.
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Growing up, we receive a lot of feedback on what not to do: don't cry, don't make a scene, don't yell. However, we almost never receive a list of things we should do to be emotionally healthy. Our parents likely weren't equipped to provide that guidance because, in many cases, they didn't know it themselves. Schools are quick to penalize us for not managing our emotions, but they offer no real ways to improve. As a result, we each have to navigate this complex territory on our own, with varying levels of success.
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I put this talk together because I want to help everyone improve their emotional skills. My insights are drawn from personal experience and aim to provide one perspective on understanding feelings. It's important to note that this is one way to look at emotions, and if my model doesn’t resonate with you, I encourage you to find one that does.
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Let's discuss our emotional API. These are our core endpoints; they manage all of our basic emotions and they're hardwired into us. However, these endpoints are not accessed directly. Instead, there is a layer of emotional middleware that translates our experiences through our senses into that core API.
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Within this middleware, there are thousands of mappings that build up over our lives. We don’t start with any of these; they differ from person to person. For example, one individual’s emotional response to an event may be vastly different from another’s. This middleware can become quite complex, involving more than simple mappings between situations and feelings. There is code in these methods which can lead to significant emotional traffic directed toward the core API.
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Emotions originating from this internal API can trigger physical sensations, which in turn generate emotional reactions, creating a feedback loop that can be quite challenging to navigate. Let's look at an example by examining the code for a middleware method related to losing a job. You'll find that it generates a high volume of traffic to the endpoints for fear and sadness, indicating a strong emotional response that many can relate to.
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Here's the tricky part: this API is public. It can be accessed by anyone or anything happening in the world around us. The good news is that by utilizing some of the tools I will discuss later, you can learn to rewrite that middleware and refactor the code in these methods. You can choose how to respond to different situations, which is empowering. What I appreciate about this metaphor is that it transforms the complexity of our emotions, breaking down the messy, undefined feeling landscape into smaller, manageable components that are easier to discuss.
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Let me segue into the next section with another quote: "I don't like working with emotions; it's not comfortable." Unfortunately, that's something that many people experience. However, it's important to illustrate why it's worthwhile to engage in this uncomfortable work to ultimately become better at it. Today, I'm going to discuss the effects of unprocessed emotions—those feelings we've encountered and not addressed—especially in the context of our work.
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There’s an unpleasant truth: no matter how hard you try, you cannot avoid emotions. It's simply not possible. Studies show that individuals who attempt to suppress negative emotional reactions experience reinforcement in their nervous systems, leading to an intensified effect. Therefore, it's essential to acknowledge that emotions are unavoidable. I'll revisit strategies for dealing with them during the toolkit section later, but now let's examine how unprocessed emotions impact our ability to write code, particularly when working alone.
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When you have unprocessed emotions lingering around, they can lead to feelings of powerlessness. Imagine a time when you experienced a significant emotional upheaval—perhaps during a breakup or a challenging period at work. In those moments, you likely didn’t feel empowered. Research has shown that feelings of powerlessness directly affect cognitive abilities, particularly executive function. Executive function involves our capacity to control our attention, focus deeply, and organize details—crucial skills we rely on daily.
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When executive function is compromised, our ability to dive deep into code, locate bugs, or design complex systems is diminished. Additionally, these studies reveal that unprocessed emotions can negatively affect short-term memory, which is vital when managing the numerous code paths required to diagnose an issue. Stress management is also impacted.
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Think back to a high-stress incident such as responding to a production fire, presenting to executives, or facing a tight deadline before a release. In those moments, do you want your stress levels to dictate your performance or emotional state? The good news is that by developing effective emotional handling techniques, we can reclaim our sense of control. Studies show that children taught emotional regulation techniques significantly improve their behavior, and this trend continues into adulthood with benefits that manifest as improved health and productivity.
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Whether you are part of an open-source project, working in a large corporate team, or part of a small startup, collaboration introduces even more emotional dynamics. Development requires the cultivation of communication skills, understanding, and empathy. Being a good developer isn't merely about delivering code; it's about playing an integral role in a community of people.
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Many speakers have touched on this theme during the conference, and I resonate with that sentiment. The non-coding aspects of developer life are often just as, if not more, valuable than technical coding abilities. Now, let's explore how our emotions affect collaboration.
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Interestingly, developing an understanding of your own emotions enhances your ability to empathize with others. The skills you've honed while working through your feelings can improve your relationships significantly. Daniel Goleman, in his book on emotional intelligence, presents data indicating that individuals with high emotional intelligence tend to have better career opportunities—they secure better jobs and achieve promotions at a faster rate.
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Once we've regained that sense of power I mentioned earlier, we become less self-centered, which allows for a deeper sense of community and empathy toward others. Our intentions rarely include causing harm through our words; however, navigating these social pitfalls can be tricky. Building empathy skills enables us to forecast how our words may land on others, allowing us to avoid causing unnecessary upset.
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A sentiment shared by a developer at Valve Games sums this situation up succinctly: if you are a skilled engineer with zero communication skills, your chances of thriving in the environment are quite low. Moving forward, let's dive into some specific scenarios to illustrate how these dynamics play out.
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From my perspective, you are a better developer if your cognitive functions are not adversely affected by your internal emotional landscape. When you have the confidence to articulate your ideas and advocate for them, rather than remaining silent out of fear, you create an open dialogue. If you can express your thoughts with empathy and understanding, your co-workers will not dread your feedback.
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When you maintain focus despite outside distractions or can manage relationships with coworkers who trigger your emotional buttons, your performance will not be negatively impacted. Additionally, overcoming feelings of imposter syndrome is another hurdle. It's crucial to distinguish between genuine feelings of inadequacy and experiences where you are being gaslighted in an unfair situation. If you have the ability to maintain composure during job interviews or handle the uncomfortable nature of being let go without saying something regrettable, you're successfully navigating an emotionally complex environment.
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Consider the significant talks on mentorship we've had throughout this conference. As mentors, our responsibility entails understanding the emotional needs of our team members. Each individual is not just a developer; they are a person with their own feelings. When you can correctly identify and address these emotional needs, you enhance your leadership capacity.
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Some time ago, Frontside.io published an article outlining the traits they seek in a senior developer. Interestingly, everything depicted in that article circles back to emotional skills. Even the technical abilities discussed emphasize behavior rather than the number of Rails years one has worked. Curiosity, discipline, and fearlessness are all emotional skills.
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I hope to highlight the importance of emotional work in personal growth through my emotional toolkit. My techniques are divided into four levels. The first level comprises conceptual tools that reshape how we think about emotions. Level two encompasses self-directed techniques to establish fluency in your emotional skills.
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Level three involves taking these techniques from level two and practicing them with another person, which can be more challenging as it requires diplomacy and vulnerability. Lastly, level four represents the most powerful yet intimidating stage: being honest and vulnerable within a group setting. Let’s explore level one.
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Changing your perspective on emotions can significantly impact your emotional health. We often bring many misconceptions into adulthood regarding how our emotions function. Here’s a crucial point to remember: your emotional reactions are not permanent, and they can be rewritten. Our emotional responses are, in a way, legacy code built throughout our lives, and the good news is that we can improve upon it.
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We have the autonomy to choose when and how we express our feelings. Think about it: we have this background job queue that allows us to push feelings to the side when they aren't appropriate to deal with in the moment. However, many of us weren’t trained in how to effectively pop things off that queue and address them later.
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Emotions also hold no intrinsic value in defining who we are. They illustrate personal experiences but do not dictate our identities. For example, feeling angry in a moment does not make you an 'angry person,' nor does it mean you lack control. It's just one of many emotions we experience.
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Nonetheless, strong emotions like anger can be disconcerting. Rather than just feeling anger, you might find yourself fearing the anger, leading to a complex web of conflicting feelings layered upon one another. For instance, if you have unresolved issues surrounding anger toward a family member, the shame surrounding that anger can add another layer of difficulty, creating a cycle you must navigate.
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It's necessary to remember that feelings don’t always make sense; it's common to struggle with understanding why you're feeling a certain way. Just because you can’t pinpoint a 'real' reason doesn’t negate the validity of your feelings. One can feel anger, joy, fear, and sadness all at once, and there’s no singular, correct way to feel in any given situation.
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Unprocessed emotions create what I like to call emotional debt, similar to technical debt in programming. Just as buggy, complicated code sticks around in our projects and creates future challenges, unprocessed emotions linger, interfering in our lives today. Many of us fear that if we let a feeling out, it might be too overwhelming to manage.
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However, experts assert that emotions, especially intense ones, typically pass within 20 minutes if expressed appropriately. I have personal experience with this; each instance of emotional expression, even if initially daunting, ultimately feels lighter and brings relief.
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Moving to level two, I emphasize the importance of recognizing that feelings originate in your body, not just in your mind. Feelings seek to move through, akin to that jittery feeling after consuming too much caffeine. To facilitate the processing of emotions, engaging the body through movement is a vital element.
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Activities like dancing, exercising, or yoga help release emotional tension. However, it's important to acknowledge these feelings and work to process them. Allow me to introduce a concept familiar to many programmers: rubber duck debugging.
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Say you're struggling with a coding problem, and as you explain it to a colleague while walking to their desk, you suddenly gain the insight you need. This technique can be replicated with a rubber duck or any inanimate object. Similarly, discussing and naming your emotions—whether verbally, through journaling, or with others—can significantly aid in processing them.
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When it comes to conversations about feelings, consider the utility of journaling. This practice allows you to lay out your thoughts, revisit them, and observe patterns over time. Both verbal communication and writing can have distinct benefits, so experiment with both methods to uncover which feels most effective for you.
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Finding the right words to articulate a feeling can be difficult, especially if you haven’t had formal practice. Don't hesitate to try out different vocabulary. Tools like the feelings wheel can assist you in identifying the emotions you're experiencing. This resource, developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox in the 1980s, offers a starting point for discovering words that accurately capture your feelings.
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The language we choose can also influence how we perceive emotions. Formulating statements as "I feel angry" instead of "I am angry" subtly shifts the narrative. One suggests you are currently experiencing anger; the other implies defining yourself by that feeling. Practice adopting this more dynamic phrasing in casual conversations.
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Engaging with your feelings through dialogue can help us progressively understand our emotional responses and develop familiarity with them. Consider conducting a weekly emotional retrospective, similar to a sprint retro, where you look back on the week and assess the significant feelings triggered and the situations that led to them. This reflection will better equip you to navigate the emotions that arise in the future.
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While individual emotional work yields significant insights, collaborating with others intensifies this process. By sharing your feelings and emotional retrospectives, you foster trust and increase empathy within your relationships. However, consider the nuances of emotional sharing; not all situations warrant immediate displays of emotion.
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For instance, as a professional, if you feel angry because a coworker received credit for your idea, take time to understand what specifically upset you. Once you identify your feelings and navigate through them, you can discuss the situation amicably, avoiding needless defensiveness. It's beneficial to clarify what you desire from the conversation before approaching it.
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There is still a stigma surrounding seeking external emotional help, such as therapy. But enlisting mental health professionals to gain insight about patterns and blind spots is akin to bringing in a consultant for technical advice. Their guidance helps you break down and address whatnots functioning properly in your emotional life.
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So, what about the daunting idea of expressing your emotions in a group? This was a fear of my own until I experienced it firsthand. At a workshop called Purpose, Passion, Peace (or P3), I found a safe environment to explore the emotions I had suppressed all my life. The profound impact it had on me led me to volunteer in subsequent workshops and eventually teach them.
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As a child, I was taught to suppress my anger, becoming accustomed to being agreeable to fit into societal norms. However, once I entered my twenties, the awareness of this pent-up anger terrified me. The momentary triggers would elicit anger over insignificant events, as my internalized fears were suppressed for decades.
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During a moment of anger, I reacted disproportionately, often feeling panic because it tied back to my childhood experiences. Eventually, I was able to confront this at the P3 workshops, where I could safely let this anger flow out. The act of expressing that anger brought profound relief, and it took several sessions for much of that weight to lift.
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By freely expressing these feelings, I felt rejuvenated, as though I had lost a significant burden weighing me down. The act of throwing a fit in a controlled setting became an effective method of emotional release.
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Now let’s discuss sadness. My early life was characterized by experiences that deeply impacted me. To illustrate, when I was five years old, my parents went through a divorce, and I felt an overwhelming wave of sadness and fear. These complicated feelings were exacerbated by my assumption as a child that I held more control over the situation than I actually did.
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Fast forward to at age eight, when I learned about my father's cancer diagnosis. Old emotions revived and intertwined with newer ones, resulting in an intensified emotional response. Then, at seventeen, my father passed away, compounding the layers of unresolved feelings.
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Over ten years later, I still had not processed that grief, and even small mistakes, such as releasing bugs into production, triggered panic rooted in childhood fears of disappointing my father. I realized I was reacting to contemporary situations with the emotional scripts of a child.
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Through dedication to the P3 workshops, I began to process those feelings. Whenever that grief manifested, I allowed myself to cry deeply until I could release that sadness—and eventually processed the anger and fear that accompanied it.
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Addressing the complex nature of numerous emotions at once was challenging, but actively working through them allowed me to refactor emotional pathways. Now, when faced with loss, I can acknowledge sadness without forfeiting my sense of agency.
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I want to empower you to think about how emotional baggage might be impeding your relationships. Are there aspects of yourself that react in ways that recall younger versions of you? I invite you to consider how you can explore these tools to not just feel your feelings, but embrace being fully present with yourself.
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I close by reinforcing the significance of cultivating emotional skills. These types of skills have long been termed 'soft skills.' However, they require just as much effort, if not more, than mastering technical skills. It takes time and dedication to build emotional intelligence, and that's why I am here today.
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As I wrap up, I encourage you to take one small step toward integrating emotional skills into your daily life. Choose one aspect of what we’ve discussed today that resonates with you, practice it regularly, and gradually build from there. Taking this compassionate approach will make a significant difference over time.
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Thank you for being here today; I would love to see everyone engaged in these explorations. For further resources, I invite you to check out the links available after this talk. You can scan the QR code or visit the provided URL. All referenced material is available there as well. Thank you!
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One question raised involved the issue of timing when processing feelings. It's indeed a challenge—convincingly, we often feel like we're stuck in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario when it comes to sharing emotions. My suggestion is to promptly process significant feelings that arise so that you can approach discussions more clearly later on.
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Another question focused on how the pandemic influenced emotional processing techniques. While lockdowns shifted the medium for workshops and therapy to virtual platforms, the core emotional tools still apply. The focus remained on self-engagement throughout that period.
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Lastly, the question arose regarding 'rage rooms' as a technique for releasing anger. I'm enthusiastic about this new trend; it offers a physical outlet and a safe space for expressing frustration. Exploring such approaches can provide tangible support to our emotional processing practices.
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When faced with overwhelming intrusive thoughts, one suggested strategy is to articulate those thoughts aloud. Verbalization lessens their perceived weight. Engaging a therapist can be invaluable for constructing practical cognitive coping mechanisms to navigate feelings stemming from challenging mental health conditions.
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Regarding mental health perspectives, such as depression or ADHD, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Professional guidance is crucial for navigating these complexities. It's essential to find supportive techniques, while understanding emotional regulation through these practices may aid in enhancing your overall well-being.
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Practicing emotional skills enables you to become more comfortable and familiar with your feelings. Finally, I want to thank everyone for their engagement today. Feel encouraged to approach me afterward for any additional resources, including the feelings wheel and stickers that I have on hand.