Mental Health for Developers

Team Dynamics

Irina Paraschiv

1 talk

#mental-health

#team-dynamics

#personal-development

#community

#developer-experience-dx

Mental Health for Developers

by Irina Paraschiv

In the presentation titled "Mental Health for Developers," Irina Paraschiv, a licensed psychotherapist and emotional educator, discusses the importance of emotional well-being within the tech community. The session, held during the Friendly.rb 2023 conference, emphasizes that mental health is often overlooked amidst a focus on hard skills in coding and project management. Irina encourages developers to understand and manage their emotions for overall mental health improvement.

Key points covered include:

Importance of Mental Health: Irina argues that emotional health is foundational for decision-making and relationships, contrasting it with the technical skills often prioritized in developers' training.
Understanding Emotions: Emotions are presented as essential signals that inform individuals about their context. For example, anxiety can enhance focus and preparation, while anger communicates boundary violations.
Perspective Shift: The speaker emphasizes shifting the perception of mental health from a focus solely on negative aspects to a broader understanding that includes recognizing and managing all emotions.
Practical Framework for Mental Health:
- Body Budgeting: Maintaining physical health through good sleep, nutrition, and hydration improves mental well-being.
- Emotional Awareness: Regular self-check-ins on emotions contribute to better emotional regulation.
- Nurturing Relationships: Quality over quantity in relationships impacts emotional health positively. Reflecting on and maintaining satisfying connections is vital.
- Taking Action: Engaging in actions that resonate with personal values nurtures mental health.

Irina concludes with the idea that emotional health is a continuous process that requires active engagement, much like physical fitness. The session ends with an invitation to utilize the Acertivo mental health platform for further resources. Overall, the presentation promotes less fear surrounding mental health discussions and advocates for proactive management of emotional wellbeing in the tech industry.

00:00:08.120 Hi, um, I don't know if this is working.

00:00:10.040 I'm guessing it does. Great! I'm so happy to be here.

00:00:12.719 I'm so happy to see so many of you here.

00:00:14.639 I think I'm the only non-technical person in the room.

00:00:16.800 Yeah, which is weird for me.

00:00:19.600 So I'm hoping we're going to have a really fun and interesting 30 minutes or so.

00:00:21.880 I don't see you guys, so this is really weird, but I'm going to try to picture you all.

00:00:23.920 Welcome to Mental Health for Developers!

00:00:27.240 Now, why are we talking about mental health and emotional well-being at a coding conference?

00:00:37.360 Well, because we spend so much of our time learning hard skills.

00:00:39.480 You know, programming languages, project management tools, whatever it is that you do.

00:00:45.399 But how do you use this information?

00:00:48.079 Have you ever had a situation where you had to make a difficult decision and you knew what the right choice was, but it was really hard for you to just make it?

00:00:56.039 Or did you have a situation where you needed to tell someone bad news or give them negative feedback, and the words just stuck in your throat, and you kept postponing that moment? I sure have had some moments.

00:01:07.280 This is all because of how you feel and your emotions. We feel something all the time, whether it's complex emotions like anger, frustration, compassion, gratitude, or very simple emotions like 'I like this,' 'I don't like that,' or 'I'm comfortable,' and 'I'm not comfortable.'

00:01:13.720 The way that we feel—our moods and dispositions—affects everything we do, from the way we make decisions to how we plan our days and lives, to how we engage in relationships. I believe that emotional health is the building block of everything we do, and this is why I'm here talking to you.

00:01:40.960 Of course, I'm here because those guys invited me, and I'm so happy they did. I want to introduce myself before we go on. I'm Irina, obviously. I'm a therapist and a mental health professional for I think 14 years now.

00:01:53.920 I've been working with individuals mostly in sessions but also with teams. I love running—you'll find me in the park in the mornings—and I love science fiction books. That's about my only link to technical stuff! So if you have recommendations, feel free to look me up.

00:02:08.399 A few years ago, I started to become really interested in how to make mental health simpler, so I became an emotional educator. I love talking to people about how to handle their emotions, what their emotions are, and how to navigate difficult situations.

00:02:26.400 I got into this because of what you get when you Google 'mental health.' Often, it's gloomy pictures, dark images of people who are upset and dealing with very negative issues. I believe there’s a powerful bias that most people have: they believe mental health refers to what does not work well—pathology, anxiety disorders, depression, psychosis, whatever.

00:02:58.799 This is why it's really hard for many to make the decision to reach out when there's something wrong, but I also believe it shows a powerful tendency towards being well—being positive and controlling negative emotions, getting rid of anger, frustration, and so on.

00:03:32.599 So my goal for today is to shift your perspective on how to handle your mental health. I won't be talking really long; I would have loved to do a day workshop, but by the end of this presentation, what I'm aiming at is to make you less afraid of maybe reaching out to a therapist and to understand more about what it means to have good mental health.

00:03:55.400 So we're going to spend the first part discussing what mental health is, what emotions are, what they are good for, and why you shouldn't be scared of having strong emotions. The second part will feature a short and simple framework to help you manage your mental health better.

00:04:31.680 Okay, let's go! What is mental and emotional well-being? When I was thinking about how to answer this, I reflected on a situation with my daughter. Last year, when she was four, I was watching her brush her teeth at the sink. She was on a stool and when she came down, she tripped and fell.

00:05:51.320 She hurt her leg a bit—not dramatically—but after crying dramatically for about a minute, she asked me for a Band-Aid. While I was helping her put it on, I thought about how this four-year-old doesn’t know how to tie her shoelaces yet or pronounce 'abracadabra' or 'psychotherapist,' but she does know that when she gets a wound, she needs a Band-Aid to prevent infection.

00:06:06.840 She knows she has to brush her teeth twice a day to avoid cavities and eat her vegetables to stay healthy. It got me thinking about the fact that we teach our children so much about what it means to be physically healthy, but what do we know about how to keep ourselves emotionally and mentally healthy?

00:06:25.120 So, take just ten seconds to think about what it means for you to stay emotionally and mentally well. Ponder on this question: When you say, 'I want to be mentally and emotionally well,' what do you mean? How do you know when you’ve reached it?

00:06:43.000 There are, of course, various answers to this, but when I ask people, I often hear answers like this: 'Being mentally well is feeling relaxed,' or 'not being affected by bad stuff,' or 'being calm' or 'not feeling anger or frustration.'

00:07:10.320 At first glance, there's nothing wrong with these answers. Still, if you look at them closely, from my perspective as an emotional educator, a few things are concerning.

00:07:29.720 First of all, they speak to a destination where I should be without telling how to get there. How do I become calm? How do I get relaxed when I'm not relaxed? Secondly, these goals are what we refer to as 'dead people's goals.' Not being affected, not getting angry—because only dead people don’t get angry. They never feel frustrated.

00:07:51.040 Living people sometimes do. These kinds of goals reflect our bias towards only feeling the positive, not recognizing how we manage the bad emotions.

00:08:23.000 So what are emotions? These are the things that overwhelm us and make us do foolish things. And to give you an example, let’s suppose you’re feeling tightness in your chest. Show of hands, who knows this feeling? Tightness in the chest, yes.

00:08:44.000 My mind notices this tightness and starts to scan the context—what's my context? Well, I’m giving a presentation in front of 100 people. Then it scans my experiences. I’ve had stressful presentations, and then my brain will create an emotion to help me better manage this situation.

00:09:26.960 Let’s say this emotion is anxiety. We often think we shouldn't feel anxiety, but what does anxiety do for me in this situation? It makes my pupils dilate, my muscles tighten, and I focus. I am present. I'm not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday; I'm here, and if I feel anxiety, it can help me prepare for this presentation.

00:09:53.760 Emotions, then, are information. More specifically, they are predictions. If I have an emotion, it signals something important in my context. Anxiety signals me that giving a good presentation is important, and it prepares me.

00:10:25.400 Let’s take another emotion: anger. Anger usually signals that something or someone has crossed my boundaries. With this information, I can look at my context and think about my options. Guilt is actually a useful emotion too. When you feel guilt, it often indicates that you've acted against your values.

00:10:48.680 So why are we talking about emotions? Because they are the building blocks of how we do mental health, of how we approach emotional well-being. Knowing your emotions, with this understanding, emotions are not meant to be controlled; we just regulate them.

00:11:20.640 Our aim is not to be at the positive end of emotions. It would mean for me and other speakers to remain calm and relaxed and maybe come unprepared. Anxiety, as an emotion—not a disorder—helps me be prepared.

00:11:43.360 Okay, so mental well-being does not aim for positivity. We're not striving for being relaxed or unaffected; we will always exist on a spectrum. You might wake up grumpy before your coffee, but then everything improves. You engage positively with your environment, and this fluctuation is normal.

00:12:51.760 A person has good emotional and mental health when they flexibly respond to situations, contribute to their environment, and establish fruitful relationships. It's crucial to have those satisfying relationships; conflicts are part of this as well.

00:13:13.840 How do you do mental well-being? That’s not complicated. We've talked about what mental well-being is, about emotions, and how to handle them, but how do you actually implement this?

00:13:34.719 What we often think it looks like is going to a therapist, lying on the couch, and telling them about your life, after which you expect all to be well. Sometimes, that does happen, but in 2023, it’s more about access to mental health platforms.

00:13:50.000 Those apps can make mental health support more accessible. Do not be afraid to use Mental Health apps; most are beneficial. However, I want to make one point very clear: You are not your mental health.

00:14:09.680 Mental health is not just a single point in time or an event. It’s always a process, just like achieving physical fitness. You can't stop exercising once you are fit; similarly, you cannot stop caring for your emotional health.

00:14:24.000 Emotional health is something that needs to be continuously built—just like any other skill. If this is one thing that you take away from this presentation, I hope it’s this: Emotional health isn't something you 'have'; it’s something you actively do.

00:14:54.160 Now, let's play the game of good mental health. This game has four levels. No matter where you are on those levels, that's okay. The important thing is to play.

00:15:02.880 Level one is about body budgeting. Do you know how you feel after a good night's sleep? Notice how your day and mood change. This is your body budget, and inside you lives a small accountant.

00:15:36.000 This accountant keeps track of what goes in (good sleep, healthy food, hydration) versus what goes out (physical exercise, deadlines, daily pressures). When your body budget is out of sync, you feel it.

00:15:59.040 Every time you notice changes in your mood before and after a good night’s sleep versus a poor sleep, and adjust your expectations accordingly—you get points for this level.

00:16:24.639 Every time you think twice about feeling irritable and reflect on what you have been doing, you gain points. Instead of blaming everyone else, consider your own needs and experiences.

00:16:44.639 Level two centers around emotions. Take ten seconds now to check in with yourself. Ask how you feel. Are you tired, frustrated, worried, or calm? This is not a trick question—just sit with your feelings a moment.

00:17:00.720 Every time you do this throughout your day, you gain points at this level. Acknowledge how you feel. If you're irritable, this awareness can significantly influence how you respond to situations.

00:17:22.480 It's essential to be aware of how we feel, though many sometimes struggle to articulate their emotions. This is okay. While most find it challenging, it's helpful to focus more specific feelings instead of labeling them as just 'good' or 'bad'.

00:17:41.640 Identify your feelings in a narrower context; it might help to consider areas like anxiety, guilt, or sadness. This awareness provides critical information about your broader emotional context.

00:18:12.640 Level three involves relationships because we don’t live in isolation. The quality and quantity of your relationships significantly inform your emotional well-being.

00:18:34.960 At this level, you gain points by reflecting on the satisfying relationships in your life. Take time to nurture these relationships, whether it's a phone call with your mother or listening to a child recount their day.

00:19:09.920 Similarly, setting boundaries and saying 'no' if something feels overwhelming will earn you points here too. It's not about gathering a massive social circle; it’s about recognizing the importance of the relationships you cultivate.

00:19:22.360 Lastly, level four is about action. Think about how you want to be perceived by others. What qualities do you wish to embody? Every small action you take towards your values earns you points.

00:19:44.640 Whether aiming to be kind or healthy, every time you engage in actions that align with that desire to be a caring or healthy person, you gain points. Consider how you wish to act and reflect on the quality you want to leave behind.

00:20:15.680 So, the game of good mental health structures itself around maintaining a body budget, addressing emotional needs, nurturing relationships, and taking action for the values you wish to embody.

00:20:39.440 If you want to continue working on making mental health simpler, I invite you to scan this QR or link to our Acertivo Substack, which provides simple mental health tools every week.

00:20:59.120 Thank you so much for your attention, and if you have questions, now is the moment!

Friendly.rb 2023