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ready for takeoff
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all right good afternoon
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it's it's been said that if you aren't
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in danger of missing your flight you're
00:00:26.880
getting to the airport too early
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some of you have probably elicited some
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feelings don't worry this is not a talk
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about poor travel advice but I don't
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want to thank those of you who are
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catching a flight right after or stayed
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for this very much appreciate it
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foreign
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my name is Glenn Harmon and I'm going to
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talk to you about the power of no
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for those of you that have seen this
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before it's the same exact show as
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before except with eight percent more
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slides
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places you can find me I'm on LinkedIn
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and Clint Harmon Jr I do movie reviews
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you can find those on letterboxed I'm
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Mastodon barely I'm still on the Bird
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app
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you can listen to me talk about
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basketball or movies or post divisive
00:01:15.360
opinions like this
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thank you
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a little more about me I'm a father
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husband cyclist software developer
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champion of tough conversations if you
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need someone to tell you to get your
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stuff together I'm your guy
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I'm also the master of making others
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feel old I personally feel old because
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my wife and I have two beautiful teenage
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daughters and they both can drive now
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and so I like inflicting that on
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everybody else
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by a show of hands how many of you
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remember going to just going to the
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theater to see The Lion King
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this was released on June 24 1994.
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if you are if you remember this you may
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already be feeling old don't worry it's
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going to get a lot worse from here
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if we fast forward 25 years almost to
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the date most of us will remember the
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updated version of this coming out into
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pre-pandemic times otherwise known as
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2019
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but if you take those same 25 years and
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go backwards
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we land at the moon landing
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now that may not make you feel old
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within it by itself
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but the issue here
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is that the original Lion King is now
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closer to the moon landing than it is to
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today
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as you can see I did wake up and choose
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violence
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so
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mm-hmm
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you probably say yes to too many things
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have you ever been in a situation where
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you wish you could have said no and just
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didn't
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let's
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if everybody could just put their hand
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up for a moment
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now I'm going to have you put a finger
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down
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if you've ever attended a meeting that
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you wish you hadn't
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have you ever been happy that plans were
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canceled because you never really wanted
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to go in the first place
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do you have goals of reading or writing
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or picking up a new hobby that you just
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can't seem to find time for
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do you have trouble getting to sleep at
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night because you're either laying away
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think about all the things you didn't do
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or all the things you uh wish you had
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time to do
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if any of those resonated with you or
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you feel seen right now it's okay this
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is a safe spot
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if you put no fingers down this is
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probably not to talk for you
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these days the line between work and
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home become blurry at best and knowing
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how to say no is more important than
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ever
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this talk is about using this too little
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letter word no to formally establish
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boundaries and protect your time and
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values in the people you care about
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foreign
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this talk is going to be broken up into
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the following sections the power of no
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the title
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why we can't say no
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why you have to get better at saying no
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evaluating whether or not you should say
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no and finally
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how to do it
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when we were younger we learned the word
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no
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and we used it quite often no I don't
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want to eat that no I don't want to take
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a nap
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no I don't want to share we may still be
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using that
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some of us have kids in here and
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probably know exactly what this feels
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like hell have no fury like a toddler
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who doesn't want to do something
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but when did we give up the power of
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trying to establish our own boundaries
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there are a few things I'm going to say
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today that may feel uncomfortable
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the first of which is
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if you say yes all the time your yes has
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no power it doesn't mean very much
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you ever have someone who
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is just going to assume you're going to
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do something like maybe give them a ride
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home from work or lend them a few
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dollars to cover lunch have a boss
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assume that you're going to pick up
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something at work or pick up the slack
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because they could count on you saying
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yes it will eventually become an
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assumption and that leads to
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exploitation
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go for a second uncomfortable statement
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but you cannot say yes to everything and
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then follow up and stand for something
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we're in a room for people that like to
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solve problems so you may already be
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thinking of scenarios so that may not be
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true but I'll stand by it
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one of my favorite lines from Hamilton
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the play
00:05:53.580
is that when Hamilton asked Burr if you
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stand for nothing what will you fall for
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those questions I asked at the beginning
00:06:01.979
have you ever attended a meeting you
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wish you hadn't have you ever been happy
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to plans were canceled because you never
00:06:07.680
really wanted to go
00:06:09.000
have goals of Reading Writing or picking
00:06:11.280
up a new hobby that you can't seem to
00:06:12.960
find time for
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have trouble getting to sleep at night
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because you can't get to the things you
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really want to get to
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when you find yourselves in that
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situation you have fallen into the Trap
00:06:22.860
of not protecting your time or yourself
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from an article in Psychology today and
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no is a moment of Clear Choice
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it announces however indirectly
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something affirmative about you
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imagine declining to sign a petition I'm
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not going to sign this because that's
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not my truth I've in that moment I have
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affirmed something about myself
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imagine if you say I will not join your
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committee or help with your kids or
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review your project
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you might say no to those because you
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are committed to some project of your
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own that's more important
00:07:01.740
imagine saying count me out because
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you're not comfortable not in agreement
00:07:05.100
or not on the bad bandwagon or even
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saying No thank you
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because it's just not something you want
00:07:11.580
to do
00:07:15.960
no is booked a tool
00:07:18.000
and a barrier by which we establish and
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maintain the distinct perimeter of self
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no says this is who I am this is what I
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value
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this is what I will and will not do and
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this is how I will choose to act
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no allows us to recognize that we have
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limits
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those limits could be time money
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capacity and in order to maintain those
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limits we must become comfortable with
00:07:42.960
no
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this two-letter word can help you
00:07:45.960
establish honest boundaries and allow
00:07:48.120
you to take care of yourself
00:07:52.800
so we've talked a little bit about the
00:07:54.180
power of no and you might be thinking
00:07:57.419
as a natural follow-up question well why
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haven't we been able to say no
00:08:01.919
I would like to get this out of the way
00:08:03.360
at the top it's because it's hard
00:08:06.539
to be very little for me to say during
00:08:08.460
our time together if it was easy
00:08:10.919
but maybe the better question is is why
00:08:13.620
is it hard
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for starters it feels negative
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whether it's a reasonable no like I'm
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sorry I don't have money to lend you or
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thoughtful no like
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yes you do make really great apple pie
00:08:30.060
but maybe I'm trying to limit my sugar
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intake real conversation for
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Thanksgiving
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or formally assert it no
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thanks for the invite but I already have
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plans for this weekend the receiver only
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hears no and we feel inclined to feel
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bad for giving that no
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another reason why we can't snow or say
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no is we're concerned about the
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consequences
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how do you say no to Overtime or maybe a
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loved one without feeling like you're
00:08:57.360
letting them down
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sometimes we struggle to say no because
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we don't have a deeper yes
00:09:07.920
to discover our deeper yes we must
00:09:10.080
discover why we were saying no in the
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first place when
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when you say no it tends to be reactive
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either out of a feeling attacked or
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accommodating or avoidance of that
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uncomfortable feeling
00:09:23.339
this type of no stems from Fear hurt or
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anger
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but of our no comes from someplace more
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proactive
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for looking and purposeful it will give
00:09:34.680
us the space to not feel like we're on
00:09:36.420
the defense
00:09:37.740
I will often stop to think about what we
00:09:39.779
really want and why
00:09:45.899
lastly we may suffer from fear of
00:09:48.060
missing out or fomo as the kids would
00:09:50.399
call it
00:09:51.839
but are those reasons we're really worth
00:09:54.060
your peace of mind
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there is probably a nice overlap between
00:09:59.100
those to put their finger down earlier
00:10:00.660
when asked if they were ever happy that
00:10:03.360
plans were canceled and those that never
00:10:05.820
wanted to go in the first place
00:10:08.760
it is possible that you said yes just
00:10:10.740
because you didn't want to miss out
00:10:12.779
because saying Noah's heart we will
00:10:14.399
often attempt to avoid
00:10:16.380
and accommodate and this is how
00:10:18.420
resentment grows it's easy to get pulled
00:10:20.760
into situations we'd rather
00:10:22.620
avoid or not be in to begin with
00:10:26.100
if
00:10:27.899
it's easy sorry it's easy to get pulled
00:10:30.120
into situations we'd rather avoid or to
00:10:31.860
ignore our own well-being but that never
00:10:33.480
ends well
00:10:39.180
a little quick story about how this talk
00:10:41.580
came to be I was part of Toastmasters in
00:10:44.399
the before times the before times being
00:10:45.959
a pandemic
00:10:47.880
um and they work on helping you improve
00:10:50.519
your public speaking and presentations
00:10:53.279
at the end of one of the meetings one of
00:10:54.839
the leaders asked me if I would do a
00:10:56.640
talk at the next meeting
00:10:58.320
I knew then when they asked me that that
00:11:00.720
was not something I wanted to do but I
00:11:02.160
said yes anyways
00:11:04.320
these Toastmasters meetings happened
00:11:05.940
every other Friday so naturally as one
00:11:08.880
does we fast forward to the next
00:11:10.279
following Friday and I have no talks
00:11:13.200
though
00:11:15.600
I'm getting ready in the shower in the
00:11:17.220
morning and I'm thinking about all the
00:11:18.720
reasons why I should have said no
00:11:21.779
and because I do my best thinking in a
00:11:23.760
shower that is where this talk came from
00:11:28.019
in the end it worked out because I have
00:11:29.760
a talk and I'm getting a chance to
00:11:31.019
travel and give it but there are a lot
00:11:33.540
of stressful days and a lot of stressful
00:11:35.519
hours leading up to that talk and even
00:11:37.500
though
00:11:38.339
I have to talk now I had to suffer
00:11:40.320
through those because I did not use no
00:11:43.980
I'm telling you this because I want to
00:11:45.360
illustrate it saying no gives you power
00:11:47.820
in a situation that you can go and do
00:11:49.500
something else
00:11:54.899
anybody literally anybody can say yes
00:11:58.380
and those of you who put your fingers
00:12:00.240
down earlier already know this
00:12:02.700
but no gives you the power in the
00:12:04.680
exchange
00:12:06.600
there's a book called uh never split the
00:12:09.420
difference by Chris Voss
00:12:11.880
the book is about a former FBI hostage
00:12:14.579
negotiator and some of the techniques
00:12:16.440
she used
00:12:18.000
one of them was about how in the
00:12:19.920
beginning of a negotiation he would lob
00:12:22.440
up some very easy questions in which the
00:12:24.720
offender would be able to say no to
00:12:29.040
it would help him establish some help
00:12:32.579
them establish some agency or power
00:12:34.440
negotiation they were easy no's but
00:12:37.200
allowed them to feel like they had power
00:12:39.240
in this Exchange
00:12:41.160
there's a whole other talk on the
00:12:43.019
dynamic of power that we can take away
00:12:44.940
from this but using no allows us to keep
00:12:47.579
the power in the conversation and
00:12:49.200
protects our boundaries and allows us to
00:12:50.880
protect ourselves
00:12:55.800
there are some benefits to saying now
00:12:58.380
we've kind of hinted around these
00:13:00.180
already but time to do whatever you've
00:13:02.339
been putting off
00:13:03.480
power to be more in control of your life
00:13:06.480
the more you use it it's the easier it's
00:13:09.300
going to get
00:13:11.040
one that we may be suffering from over
00:13:13.260
extending ourselves if we're using no
00:13:15.240
regularly we can keep from overextending
00:13:17.100
ourselves and fighting fatigue and burn
00:13:18.959
out for all the wrong reasons
00:13:22.200
and one of the better ones you might
00:13:24.180
discover something new that you like to
00:13:25.740
do because you freed up time to have
00:13:27.360
that availability
00:13:30.300
say no typically feels awkward and
00:13:32.700
definitely takes practice
00:13:34.500
but again the more you use it the easier
00:13:36.779
it's going to get
00:13:41.519
now we know there are times we should be
00:13:43.019
saying no and some of the benefits of
00:13:44.940
saying no
00:13:46.200
but how do we know when to say no
00:13:49.260
I have five situations that benefit from
00:13:51.480
you using this power of no
00:13:55.079
number one ask yourself does it align
00:13:58.200
with your values
00:14:00.300
say though when you want to keep true to
00:14:02.279
your principles and values
00:14:04.680
do I truly want to do this
00:14:07.260
what do I gain out of doing this task or
00:14:10.139
attending this function
00:14:12.240
you'll notice a theme through some of
00:14:13.800
these to where it may feel selfish but
00:14:16.500
it is not
00:14:21.000
number two am I being exploited
00:14:25.200
what has this person done for me
00:14:26.940
recently that sounds terse but some
00:14:29.220
relationships are far far more one-sided
00:14:32.220
when you realize that you're always the
00:14:34.440
one that says yes
00:14:36.600
as an aside it is truly remarkable how
00:14:40.019
much people ask and sometimes even
00:14:41.639
demand of you that they wouldn't ask of
00:14:43.800
the would you that you wouldn't even ask
00:14:45.420
of yourself
00:14:51.420
say no when it keeps you focused on your
00:14:53.519
own goals
00:14:55.139
remember towards the beginning
00:14:57.120
I asked a question about people wanting
00:14:59.519
to read or write or pick up new hobbies
00:15:01.199
that they couldn't find time for ask
00:15:03.779
yourself what else could I be doing with
00:15:05.399
this time
00:15:12.000
saying no to abuse by others this is
00:15:15.240
different in exploitation
00:15:17.040
exploitation for the purposes of this
00:15:19.320
talk is
00:15:20.639
when the value you have to the other
00:15:22.260
party is based solely on what you can do
00:15:24.660
for them nothing more nothing less
00:15:27.240
abuse in this instance would be being
00:15:30.240
treated poorly for fear of losing that
00:15:32.279
person continually taking that treatment
00:15:34.199
and not saying no to that
00:15:39.440
and lastly you can ask yourself do I
00:15:41.940
need to change course
00:15:44.160
so many of us would rather be right
00:15:46.560
than happy
00:15:48.480
we made a choice that we should and we
00:15:50.220
should stick with it whether it doesn't
00:15:53.519
matter what the results are we made the
00:15:54.779
choice we're going to stick with it but
00:15:56.220
what happens if
00:15:57.420
you're on the wrong course and you're
00:15:59.100
already aware of it maybe you work
00:16:00.839
someplace that others might think is a
00:16:02.820
dream job but makes you sick to your
00:16:04.860
stomach the night before
00:16:06.600
maybe you're in your relationship or a
00:16:08.339
friendship that you already know is over
00:16:10.560
but you're just hanging out there
00:16:12.720
use the no to evaluate whether or not
00:16:15.899
it's time to change course
00:16:21.120
which brings us to how to say no
00:16:26.820
it was really that easy
00:16:30.540
we've talked about all the reasons you
00:16:32.459
might not be saying no
00:16:34.680
and how to evaluate when to say no but
00:16:36.779
we haven't really talked about perhaps
00:16:38.100
the most helpful piece of info I can
00:16:40.500
give you
00:16:41.459
and that's how to say no
00:16:44.279
here are a couple of tips I'm going to
00:16:45.600
give you for how to do that
00:16:49.980
give yourself a cushion
00:16:52.500
oftentimes you're going to be caught off
00:16:54.180
guards and getting good at saying no is
00:16:57.120
it's a new muscle
00:16:59.220
or working on strengthening it we want
00:17:00.899
to get better at it so if you're feeling
00:17:02.639
nervous or flustered and you think a
00:17:05.220
nice squishy yes seems like the easiest
00:17:07.740
way out
00:17:09.299
whip out one of these and see if this
00:17:11.520
helps I can't decide right now or let me
00:17:15.600
think about it
00:17:17.220
you could even say uh let me check my
00:17:19.140
schedule and get back to you
00:17:20.640
instead of expecting yourself to be the
00:17:23.160
master of no right out of the gate
00:17:26.220
keep these phrases in your pocket and be
00:17:29.220
ready to give yourself some time to
00:17:30.780
pause so you can break the habit of
00:17:33.120
agreeing to stuff immediately we do this
00:17:36.179
again often to escape the discomfort
00:17:41.640
be quick about it tell the person you
00:17:44.520
can't do it early and after the offer so
00:17:47.460
you're not holding up their plans
00:17:49.679
there can be this feeling of guilt that
00:17:51.960
sets in
00:17:53.460
um when you let an invite linger and you
00:17:55.980
feel more compelled to say yes just
00:17:57.780
because of how long it's been since the
00:17:59.820
original invitation
00:18:02.400
once you know that you're going to say
00:18:03.960
no say it you'll feel better with it not
00:18:07.679
hanging over your head
00:18:12.059
be honest
00:18:14.160
sometimes you have other commitments you
00:18:16.559
can use there
00:18:17.820
sometimes it's not something you really
00:18:19.140
want to do to begin with that's okay too
00:18:21.000
you can say things like I appreciate the
00:18:23.700
invite but that's not something I want
00:18:25.380
to do
00:18:26.460
that is a legitimate response
00:18:29.340
sometimes there will be a need to
00:18:30.840
compromise on whatever the ask is but in
00:18:33.720
order to have a successful compromise
00:18:35.820
you have to be honest for the reason why
00:18:37.740
you couldn't do it begin or didn't want
00:18:39.299
to do it to begin with
00:18:44.460
number four suggest an alternative
00:18:47.460
if you're being asked to do something
00:18:48.900
maybe you can name another person that
00:18:50.640
might be able to take your place
00:18:52.860
you're being asked to go out to eat
00:18:54.299
someplace maybe that's not your type of
00:18:56.160
restaurant you can suggest another
00:18:58.020
restaurant another location another
00:19:00.179
another activity Etc
00:19:03.600
this will feel very similar to coming up
00:19:05.460
on a compromise but if you're being
00:19:06.660
honest with it up front this step gets
00:19:08.880
easier
00:19:12.539
lastly ask for a rain check if it's
00:19:15.240
something you really want to do but
00:19:16.440
maybe it doesn't fit in your schedule at
00:19:17.880
the request of time ask for a rain check
00:19:20.640
make another plan for the future and if
00:19:22.799
there's some if showing a good faith
00:19:24.539
effort is uh something you're wishing to
00:19:27.240
do there
00:19:28.080
making a rain check makes it super easy
00:19:30.059
for you
00:19:34.080
and prepping for this talk I read a book
00:19:36.000
called badass Habits by Jen sincero
00:19:39.419
and there's a excerpt in it it was fun
00:19:41.700
it says getting your no on is all about
00:19:44.280
clarity
00:19:45.720
kindness speed consistency and
00:19:48.660
commitment
00:19:49.679
no is a simple short word it's not full
00:19:52.679
of long drawn out explanations
00:19:55.100
justifications
00:19:56.720
apologies emotions excuses and back
00:19:59.460
pedaling
00:20:01.080
here are some general rules to sing a
00:20:03.360
really good no
00:20:07.140
make it all about you
00:20:09.840
so I'll give you an example
00:20:11.820
let's say you have a friend or family
00:20:14.160
member that prefers to
00:20:15.980
make phone calls as their way of
00:20:18.000
communication but you have trouble
00:20:20.039
getting that conversation to end once
00:20:21.960
you get on the phone
00:20:23.160
one way that we might have felt
00:20:24.840
compelled to respond before is I don't
00:20:27.419
want to be on the phone with you because
00:20:28.679
you I can't get you off the phone
00:20:31.500
that will prevent you from saying no
00:20:33.179
because now you're afraid of hurting
00:20:35.039
your feelings but what if you made it
00:20:36.840
about you and you say
00:20:39.299
I've got a lot going on right now maybe
00:20:41.460
I can schedule this like once a week or
00:20:43.559
I can hop on the call for 30 minutes
00:20:45.360
because I have X Y and Z I still have to
00:20:47.760
do you keep the emotion out of it you
00:20:50.160
don't try to second guess
00:20:52.919
and you don't have to spend time worry
00:20:54.240
about if they'll get upset because it's
00:20:55.799
about you and what you need to do
00:20:58.380
and all these examples you are only
00:21:00.179
responsible for your end of the
00:21:01.860
conversation and if they ever get upset
00:21:03.480
that's their work not yours
00:21:09.419
use direct language
00:21:12.840
straight to the point such as
00:21:15.179
please call before you come over
00:21:18.059
thanks so much for coming to my party
00:21:19.620
but I'm going to bed
00:21:21.660
you need to leave
00:21:24.660
I'm not comfortable hugging strangers
00:21:26.460
but it was nice to meet you
00:21:28.740
and as always the classic no thanks
00:21:32.400
powerful no type phrases often begin
00:21:35.580
with I need I won't I can't I don't like
00:21:40.980
I'm not going to and I would appreciate
00:21:43.860
it if
00:21:49.440
one of the other things to evaluate is
00:21:52.080
keeping the right people around you
00:21:54.419
take the people you hang out with
00:21:55.860
several times a week month except from
00:21:57.960
there and if you were to rank those
00:21:59.700
interactions or what those relationships
00:22:01.320
mean to you
00:22:02.700
spend more of your time with those that
00:22:05.400
are eight and up
00:22:07.440
if somebody is a five to seven sure by
00:22:10.080
all means hang out with them but don't
00:22:11.539
prioritize them over the eights
00:22:14.100
and after five or below actively start
00:22:17.039
practicing to say no to these
00:22:18.600
interactions they're likely more
00:22:20.340
one-sided if you're rating them at five
00:22:21.960
than you've realized
00:22:26.539
there are eight types of no
00:22:29.520
there is no as a complete sentence
00:22:31.500
that's it no I don't want to do it no
00:22:33.780
thank you
00:22:34.860
the vague but firm now thank you for
00:22:37.260
asking me but it's not going to work for
00:22:39.059
me
00:22:40.380
the referral no
00:22:42.360
I won't be able to do this but why don't
00:22:44.220
you ask and certain name of your choice
00:22:47.820
the it's not personal no thank you for
00:22:50.400
thinking of me but I'm not taking on
00:22:52.679
anything new this quarter or I'm focused
00:22:54.659
to starting a new project Etc
00:22:57.360
there is the gracious now
00:22:59.760
I'm so touchy you thought of me I really
00:23:01.740
appreciate your enthusiasm but I'm not
00:23:03.780
gonna be able to help you out at this
00:23:04.919
time
00:23:07.140
there's the now is not the right time
00:23:09.539
now I would love to help you but I am
00:23:12.120
super busy can you come back and check
00:23:14.520
ask me again in a month
00:23:18.539
the reassess no let me think about it
00:23:21.240
and I will get back to you
00:23:24.480
I noticed that I'm actually too busy but
00:23:27.240
no which is no but here's what maybe I
00:23:30.360
can do instead or offering up another
00:23:32.220
suggestion
00:23:36.720
so if we're going to put this into
00:23:38.460
practice
00:23:39.539
there are a couple of questions I would
00:23:40.980
have for you
00:23:43.020
can you think of some scenarios in which
00:23:44.940
you wish you could say no now
00:23:49.080
are there ways to incorporate know what
00:23:52.260
the holiday is coming up
00:23:54.659
are there other ways you said no that
00:23:57.240
weren't included in today's talk
00:24:05.820
that brings us to the end I like to
00:24:07.740
briefly thank my employer when they
00:24:10.260
eventually see this video they're
00:24:11.580
sending me out here to tell you all the
00:24:12.900
ways to say no
00:24:14.640
um and to ask if there's any other
00:24:15.900
topics that you like to hear about uh if
00:24:18.659
you would like to follow that link and
00:24:20.100
make some suggestions we come out we do
00:24:21.600
talks we do blog posts over all sorts of
00:24:23.820
things
00:24:27.120
thank you for coming