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How's everybody doing? Nobody's saying tired. I would have said tired if somebody asked me that question. It's so exhausting. It's been a great conference, but it's been long. I am privileged to have the last speaking slot, which is a really funny joke to plan for a guy with impostor syndrome, so whoever set the schedule, nice job! My name is Nickolas Means, but we are about to be really good friends, so please call me Nick.
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You can find me as 'means' on Twitter if you're playing along on your laptop or your phone. I'm an engineer at WellMatch Health. I'm lucky enough to get to remote pair nearly a hundred percent of the time from beautiful Austin, Texas, with a lot of really smart people fixing some of the hard problems that vex our healthcare system.
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I want to start by asking you to think a little bit: what is your biggest fear at work? What's the worst thing that could possibly happen to you at your job? I can tell you mine. I've been a software developer for over a decade now. I did some PHP spaghetti for a while and then moved into Ruby. I've been doing Ruby for about eight years now.
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I've worked as a solo developer. I've worked as a siloed developer, where I was the only person working on a product within a broader team. I've also worked in a really good team environment, which is what I'm in now. But I've had this persistent fear the whole time I've been a software developer that I was about to be fired. How many times do you think I've actually been fired in my ten plus years of software development?
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The answer is zero. I've never been fired. But it might happen any day now, or at least that's what my brain insists on telling me all the time. It's just a matter of time until my boss figures out that I really have no idea what I'm talking about, that I'm a terrible software developer, and that all my commits are rubbish, and I'm going to get the pink slip. This, of course, is not true.
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I've convinced a bunch of people to give me a job, I've shipped good code, and I've been through pull request processes. My code's been reviewed. I pair program now, so I’m an okay developer. That’s the gist of impostor syndrome. It's a set of beliefs and behaviors that was first identified back in 1978 by doctors Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes at Georgia State University.
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Dr. Clance was on the psychological staff at Georgia State, and Dr. Imes was a pre-doctoral researcher under her. They conducted interviews with graduate students, specifically female graduate students, who had all entered very competitive programs and had been published in prestigious psychological journals. Yet, despite these accomplishments, they still didn't think very much of themselves.
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There's actually a great definition of impostor syndrome in their research: 'despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the imposter phenomenon persist in believing that they are not really bright and that they've fooled anyone who thinks otherwise.' So, these women were very prestigious and successful, but still thought that they had everyone around them fooled.
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If you've experienced these kinds of feelings where you think that compliments from people around you aren't genuine, let me tell you a little bit about yourself: there's a pretty good chance you're an introvert, you're a perfectionist at times, and you're a workaholic at others. You probably have a deep-seated fear of failure and get uncomfortable when people pay you a compliment. You might also feel less competent than your peers.
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The good news is, you’re not alone. As it turns out, impostor feelings are pretty common. Dr. Clance says research indicates that about 70% of people experience impostor syndrome at some point in their careers. That's not to say that everybody experiences it the same way. There are people like me who have felt it throughout their entire careers, persistent fear that they were going to be fired any moment.
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Others may only feel it when they start a new job or transition into the workforce from college. But no matter where you are on that scale, there are things you can do to lessen this reaction that you feel. There are two things I want to cover in this talk. The first is how your brain plays tricks on you and reinforces this impostor syndrome, making it hard to accept your success.
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The second is how to 'patch' your brain, as it turns out that impostor syndrome is an infinite loop in your head. We have to find places to hook into that loop to escape it. Once we start functioning a little bit better, we can tackle this issue. But before I dive into that, I want to tell you a story about the first conference talk I ever gave.
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You folks didn't know this when you walked in the room, but you're lucky enough to be part of a grand experiment. Somebody thought it was a good idea to give me a speaking slot at RailsConf. I decided to submit a talk proposal about an hour before the Call for Proposals (CFP) closed, and it was one that had already been rejected by a couple of conferences before. I tweaked it a little bit, cleaned it up, made it better, and submitted it.
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The RailsConf submission process is almost custom-tailored for someone with impostor syndrome because the first round is blind. I didn't have to worry about being judged; I didn't have this great reputation in the community, and nobody knew my name. During this process, people reviewing my proposal could give feedback, which was incredibly helpful. Sara Mae, bless her heart, read my early rough draft and gave me some great feedback. I tightened up my abstract significantly, and it was apparently enough to get me through the final selection.
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When I got the notification that my talk was accepted, I was hanging out with my wife and my three-year-old son. I gasped, I was speechless, and my wife thought somebody important had died. Finally, I managed to let her know what was happening, and I was so excited. While I was waiting to see if I got in or not, I envisioned telling my team about it at our Friday happy hour.
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When I finally got to do that, it was glorious! But then reality set in. If you've ever spoken at a user group or something, you may realize that you don't actually have to write your talk before it gets accepted. Once your talk is accepted, you have to start writing it, which plunged me into a spiral of worry, fear, panic, and dread.
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I sat down, tried to make an initial outline, and hit total creative block. I couldn't come up with anything. My brain played this great trick on me, telling me I didn't have impostor syndrome bad enough to give a talk on impostor syndrome.
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I pushed through it and took an impostor syndrome test on which I scored very highly. I will share that test with you later. After that revelation, I jumped into full-on overwork. Normally, I am a huge procrastinator, waiting until the very last minute to do something. But, for some reason, my brain thought this was important and shifted into overwork mode right from day one.
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About three days after finding out my talk was accepted, my family headed on vacation. So, there I was, on vacation, loading my Kindle with psychological journal articles and books about impostor syndrome when I was actually hoping to relax. But I felt like I needed to prepare for my talk. Now, clearly, the jury is still out on whether this leads to success.
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However, after the talk, I'm going to feel some initial relief. A co-worker asked me what I really wanted to happen after this talk. My answer? All I want is to help somebody. If I accomplish that, that's all I want. So if that happens, I'll feel some relief. But, as we often do, I will quickly pivot into focusing on all the little failures of the talk.
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I'll focus on the jokes I didn't get just right, on the instances where I said 'uh' and 'um', and stumble over my points. I'll focus on the content areas I wish I had covered better or phrased differently. Following that, I'll begin denying my success, feeling like people saying nice things to me in the hallway are just doing it out of pity because they know I have impostor syndrome and need compliments.
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This cycle robs you of your ability to enjoy your successes. Then, when the next opportunity arises, you'll find yourself right back where you started because, in your mind, you've never truly been successful. The impostor cycle, identified in Dr. Clance's research, is driven by the superstition that we must go through fear, doubt, overwork, and panic to achieve anything.
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You go through it, look back, and think you did okay, all while believing the reason you did okay is that you went through that anxious process. Thus, you develop a superstition that if you don't go through that level of stress, you won't be able to achieve your goals. This denial of success is perpetuated by deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.
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There are a few thoughts contributing to this. Introversion is one of them. Many introverts spend a lot of time replaying social interactions in their heads, wishing they had been less awkward or better at small talk. We think of a time we met someone we admire, and if we stumble in the interaction, it haunts us for hours. Self-criticism becomes a habit.
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Also highly correlated to impostor syndrome is perfectionism. We set very high standards for ourselves, considering anything less than gold as failure. We fear that if a co-worker receives praise, it threatens our own accomplishments, creating unnecessary competition and a constant need to be perfect. This leads to a cycle of workaholism as we stress ourselves to meet those impossible standards.
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When we encounter a situation where we feel we can't meet expectations, we tend to procrastinate. This procrastination, particularly for perfectionists, can act as a safety net. It allows you to put something out there that might not be perfect, giving you an excuse for failure without it reflecting on you personally. You can say, 'Oh, I didn't spend enough time on it,' rather than admitting a personal weakness.
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As impostors, we also live with a fear of failure. We're terrified for others to see us struggle. Every day feels like we're tiptoeing around on eggshells, fearing that if anyone sees behind our façade, they're going to realize how incompetent we feel. It's common to experience this in both our personal lives and professional lives. This fear leads to avoidance of situations where we might appear foolish.
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Next is the denial of success. Impostors are excellent at deflecting evidence of their competence. We tend to write off promotions as luck or good timing. For instance, when I found out my talk was accepted, my first thought was that it would be a letdown when I eventually got the email confirming there was a mistake in the CFP system.
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Another contributing factor to impostor syndrome is attribution theory. We often attribute success to external factors while internalizing failure. If things go wrong, it's entirely our fault, but if we succeed, it's just good luck. Fear of success can also play a role, causing us to hesitate to take risks we know we could handle because we worry we might outshine our peers and lose our sense of belonging.
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Impostor syndrome is more prevalent in tech due to the vastness of knowledge we strive to master. The Dunning-Kruger effect describes a different problem: unskilled individuals often overestimate their competence due to their ignorance. But we, the tech community, know our gaps and shortcomings, making us feel inadequate amidst doubt. The definition of 'right' in software is also constantly evolving, contributing to feelings of inadequacy.
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Peer scrutiny compounds issues. Scientists, musicians, and artists all deal with impostor syndrome and live in fear of judgment. For us, a poor code review can feel catastrophic. To cope, we prepare ourselves for harsh criticism by mentally controlling our narrative to convince ourselves we really aren't that great.
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We often compare the finished work of others to our messy endeavors. You look at a polished library and compare it to your rough code, knowing the struggles you faced. This leads to feelings of inadequacy. There are many things that impostors avoid due to their syndrome.
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We tend not to participate in discussions, avoiding user groups or events to prevent exposure. We don’t ask questions, pretending we understand rather than admitting ignorance, allowing us to engage in frantic attempts to catch up later. This cycle leads to writing subpar code, observes and blindly following best practices without truly understanding them.
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Impostors don't teach others. We avoid giving talks or sharing knowledge at workshops for fear of judgment. The community suffers for this; everyone in this room has something valuable to contribute, a unique viewpoint. But impostor syndrome can hold you back, preventing you from sharing what you know. Terrifying rejection keeps us from engaging in open-source contributions.
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This fear also affects our job changes. I was a solo developer for the first chunk of my career, missing out on learning from the experiences of other developers. We often feel 'lucky' to have our jobs and shy away from new opportunities for fear of having to start over and possibly being exposed.
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To break this cycle, we need to learn to 'patch' our brains. Knowing about impostor syndrome is the first step in addressing it. Understanding that the pervasive feelings of incompetence actually have a name can be liberating. I will provide a link to an impostor survey at the end of this talk; it will help you determine if you're dealing with impostor syndrome.
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Once you recognize impostor syndrome, the next aspect is mindfulness. Pay attention to how you react to compliments. When someone pays you a compliment, reflect—was your first instinct to accept it or to deflect it? We often downplay our achievements instead of accepting those acknowledgments graciously.
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Moreover, listen to your self-talk. Notice if you engage in self-deprecation or negativity when you make mistakes, and start to celebrate your successes. Accept that you deserve compliments and believe in your achievements. We can practice giving compliments to others, reinforcing the notion that sharing gratitude does not diminish our achievements.
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Kindness to others must include kindness to yourself. Remember that even if your success involves luck, you still played a pivotal role in achieving it. Acknowledge your accomplishments rather than brushing them off. If you notice yourself being overly critical, interrupt that line of thought.
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One helpful method is the compliment sandwich. When you think of something you need to improve upon, start with a positive statement about your work, introduce the improvement, and finish with another compliment. This technique trains your mind to recognize what you did well while allowing for constructive reflection on your growth.
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Another useful strategy is to 'ratchet your freakout.' Agree with yourself to hold off on stress until a predetermined time. This can help reduce the cycle of anxiety preceding a significant event. The week leading up to this talk, I put off worrying until just before the conference.
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This approach allowed me to manage anxiety without being anxious for weeks ahead. Embracing vulnerability is crucial. It’s okay to admit you don’t know something; ask questions. A great example is Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability, which can help you embrace your imperfections, setting a solid groundwork for improvement.
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Pair programming is one of the best ways to practice vulnerability. Working with somebody else in a coding environment prevents hiding or deflecting tasks. It leads to years of engagement, growth, and learning, which can build your confidence. Often, in comparing your work with another developer’s, you realize that many developers share similar struggles, and this can solidify your sense of competence.
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Finally, it’s vital to keep going. You won’t ever completely overcome impostor syndrome, as it's a deeply ingrained thought pattern. What you can aim for is becoming a high-functioning impostor. I still experience impostor feelings regularly, but I've learned to work through them enough to give a talk.
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So, don't give up when it gets hard. You’re surrounded by many intelligent individuals, all saying nice things about you. If you feel those compliments are untrue, you’re implying that they lack the understanding to see through your façade. However, if you experience impostor syndrome, it means you already possess insight into your craft.
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So focus on your contributions, the value you bring, and give yourself credit for what you know. Remember, you still have a career ahead, so you don’t need to have all the answers right now. Thanks!
