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What is a culture of feedback? I'll first give you three definitions. One, organizational culture, is generally just a set of practices or attitudes that we sort of work together with as a group and transmit over time. These things end up dictating how we do our jobs, or at least influencing how we do our jobs. Secondly, feedback is skillful communication that is ultimately meant to serve some developmental purpose for the individual or the team in question. Lastly, when we think about a culture of feedback, we combine those two concepts to create an environment in which people witness, support, and even provoke one another to grow their capabilities and adapt to challenges through practice. Ideally, this is happening every day.
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In a culture of feedback, we have to think about the fact that everybody matters. I went to Google and I wanted to know why feedback is important to organizations in general. There was so much information and so much to read, and I had to distill this into a few key points. In a culture of feedback, we bring a lot of awareness to how we are interconnected within an organization and how, on different teams, we're going to influence and be influenced by one another. Generally speaking, a culture of feedback promotes growth; it's a core founding principle of a feedback culture. I don't mean the growth of the size of an organization or its profits, although those might be awesome side effects of promoting a culture of feedback.
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I'm talking specifically about an individual, a team, or a department's capacity to do more, to be smarter about how they work, and to grow their capabilities. This brings me to the idea that it actually promotes what's called a growth mindset. There's a Stanford psychologist named Carol Dweck who first introduced this idea. She researched to prove that people tend to have one of two mindsets when they're trying to learn something new: they either have a static or a fixed mindset. This means they don't really believe they can change and grow their intellectual capabilities, or they have a belief that if they just try, they ultimately will be able to do that.
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In a culture of feedback, you really need to be able to do this. I believe that you can grow your abilities so it creates mindsets where people persist in the face of setbacks. They don't give up easily; they keep learning. That's really important in our industry, where we are constantly having to learn new technologies. We have to believe that we can learn these things and keep growing. We also need to believe that we can learn from criticism. Instead of shutting down and closing ourselves off, we can actually take in criticism and keep growing.
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If you're in an office like mine, where we work with XP or Agile methodologies, then you're already doing a lot of this. You have a prototype or a cool project set up, and then you work on it. You test it, put it out in the world, get feedback, and keep iterating. It's really no different in a culture of feedback. You start with some kind of goal, work on it, get ideas about how to change and grow, test it out with people, and then incorporate the feedback. Maybe you reach that goal, or maybe you don't. But if you have a growth mindset, you can just keep going.
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So, what does this all mean in practice? Honestly, that depends. You can end up stepping onto this path, but first, I'm going to talk about Brené Brown. She is my favorite presenter and writer. She says, "Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together." Depending on how you interpret this quote, you could feel terrified of showing your imperfections and feel vulnerable and scared. This fear could cause you to shut yourself off and not lean on other people for support, preventing you from taking advantage of the culture of feedback.
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On the other hand, if you realize that showing your vulnerabilities and true self can be an advantage, then you’ll experience a sense of fearlessness and connection with more people. This brings me to the concept of finding your edge. You need this kind of fearlessness to work on your edges in a culture of feedback. Imagine that you don’t feel terrified when you have to give someone difficult feedback. One of the ways we can start to look at our edges and discover them is through self-analysis. We want to start inquiring both within ourselves and within our communities about what our edges could be.
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Some people who are a little more analytical may want to take this approach. I thought of a sprinkle of questions you could use for journaling to discover what your edges might be. Here’s one question: where do you stop trying? When I was first working on getting a job as a software engineer or when I was first working at my company, I tended to pull back when learning new technologies. I knew this came from a fear of having to learn too many things all at once. There’s an edge; it’s not just about learning the technology, but about how you approach learning that technology. Another question is, where do my thoughts turn self-defeating?
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There are two edges here. If you're the type who is constantly self-critical, I've dealt with impostor syndrome in my career. If you're constantly beating yourself up, there's an edge. You need to learn how to work with your thoughts. Also, you might notice that there are moments when you're being self-critical because there's a new skill you should be learning, but for some reason, you haven't been willing to step up and learn it. Another important question is: which conversations are not happening?
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This is definitely my favorite question. If you're afraid to give feedback, you’ll bump into this one. Where do you notice that you don't really approve of something that happened and think it's not serving someone or you, yet you keep quiet about it? In one of these questions, I assure you, you can find an edge if you start genuinely questioning yourself around them. When I'm finding my edges, I tend to feel like I'm wearing a mask. I feel separate from who I want to be, witnessing my potential in others that I can't yet experience in my own life.
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Take this example of someone who wants to be a horse person; they might feel separate or fenced off from who they wish to become. There are obstacles in their way. They may need to learn about anthropomorphism, the mythology of shape-shifting from human to animal. This person might have to address people's judgments, considering they might not believe they can become a horse. Worse still, if they try to become a horse and fail, those people might gloat or laugh at them as proof that they were right. These are some things you have to consider.
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But there are also questions this person needs to contemplate regarding what it would be like to communicate from a horse's mind. It's going to be really different, and it’ll likely hurt to become a horse. I think it probably would. A lot of times, when we're developing our edges, it feels uncomfortable or even painful before we reach the other side. We may experience triggers that provoke negative emotional responses; this has been true for me. If you're like me, connecting deeply with your emotional experiences can be a telltale sign that you're bumping against an edge.
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One of my edges over the years has been presenting. In the past, I felt envious when I witnessed others presenting on stage; it was a cue that I wanted something. Previously, when confronted with that envy, I would avoid opportunities to present and tend to shy away from those people. I would label them as more capable or distinct from myself, and I would terrify myself at every opportunity to present.
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Today, however, I've learned to transform those emotions into their positive counterparts. Now, when I feel envy, I acknowledge it and I know it just means that I want that opportunity. I’ve shifted from avoidance to acceptance, allowing myself to recognize that I have to start somewhere. Just like in any culture of feedback, people have to acknowledge their imperfections and be willing to work with them, starting from that point.
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I've found that I am much more connected, especially in a culture of feedback, because people are eager to provide support and guidance on how to improve. One way I practice this is by giving all my colleagues watching my presentations signs to hold up that indicate when I'm speaking too quickly or not taking enough breaths. It’s a fun way to engage my community to help me grow. Of course, fear is always present. I'm feeling a little anxious right now, but the point is that I don't let fear stop me anymore.
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I've cultivated a kind of fearlessness that I genuinely enjoy. Look at me—I mean, come on, I'm at RubyConf! I am really excited that I’m not completely calm. I feel like I’m facing this edge now, like a base jumper standing at the edge of a high cliff. I have a ton of support, I have a parachute to bring me down, and I have a culture of feedback to lean on.
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I don’t face my edges alone anymore. I used to feel isolated and terrified, worried that if I took one step off, I would tumble into despair. However, working on our edges has the potential to feel like a fearless base jump. The question arises: why aren't we all taking that leap and working on our edges within our companies?
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I don't think the answer to this question is easy; it’s quite complex. Generally speaking, I think many organizations feel unsafe enough to explore their edges. I read a great book called 'Everyone Culture: Becoming a Deliberately Developmental Organization.' It explains that individuals in typical organizations often avoid conflict, unwittingly sabotage change efforts, and subtly enforce a separation between the 'me' at work and the 'real me.' I like the analogy of wanting to be a horse person; a typical organization leads everyone to do a second job that no one is paid for, just to look good and stay safe, avoiding vulnerability.
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I'm not here to argue for forcing anyone to create a culture of vulnerability, but I believe in supporting employees to close that gap. Organizations should not create an environment where people feel they must wear a mask when they come to work. Instead, they should use weaknesses as potential assets. Even when employees make errors, these should be seen as opportunities. Rather than hiding insecurities, individuals can be open about them, acknowledging their mistakes as chances to grow into better employees, which serves the organization as a whole.
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The consensus is clear: if we do these things, we will increase employee satisfaction. The more opportunities we have for feedback, the more we create awareness, transparency, trust, and integrity. We will move in the direction of becoming a deliberately developmental organization. I believe we can make significant progress toward this goal just by fostering a culture of feedback; we'll likely be outstanding.
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The most essential aspect of this culture is learning how to give feedback and how to receive it well. I will break this down into three parts. The first aspect covers the nuts and bolts of a feedback conversation: what you say when you give feedback. We start with the acronym 'ASK': actionable, specific, and kind. Hopefully, that's easy to remember. Actionable refers to something the recipient has the ability to change.
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We don't want to give them feedback about the color of their eyes and suggest changing them from brown to blue—that's useless. It's crucial that we explain what the recipient has to do differently. We don’t want to provide feedback and then neglect to tell them how to improve, as this causes a lot of future problems. They will feel insecure and won’t know what to do next. Feedback should focus on the impact, not the person. I like to use the example of talking to a small child. Instead of saying 'You're a bad girl' for an action, you would prefer 'you did a bad thing.' You want to state what happened that was either well done or poorly done.
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Draw attention to what was observed; it's essential. I don't know if anyone here is familiar with Marshall Rosenberg's work on nonviolent communication, but he focuses on teaching people how to see what happened and not infer too much. If you talk about someone’s intent or emotions, those statements are typically vague, and you will be making assumptions unless you check in with the person. So, stick closely to what you observed, and try to avoid using absolutes like 'always' and 'never.' When you employ such language, you are likely not being truthful, as it’s nearly impossible to state that someone always or never did something.
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Lastly, feedback should be kind and discreet when appropriate. If you’re to give someone challenging feedback that is hard for them to hold, try to create a safe space for it. It should also be positively intended. You must know your intentions when walking into a feedback conversation. Ask yourself: are you thinking about helping this person grow, or do you have a hidden desire to see them fail? If you have any desire to watch them fail, it’s probably best to pass the feedback to someone else.
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Feedback should be timely; ensure it's given as close to the occurrence as possible, not during a time when they could be distracted—like when they are trying to meet a deadline. Make sure to check in with them to set up a time that works for both parties. Feedback should be given by someone who can hold space when the recipient is receiving difficult information. Imagine giving difficult news after presenting; you want to be able to sit with them during the emotional response instead of rushing them to feel better.
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Lastly, feedback should be unassuming. Don’t make assumptions about what others think, did, or felt; instead, check in with them. There is one caveat regarding kindness and feedback: kindness can be a poor reason to avoid giving feedback. I will discuss this with a four-quadrant map.
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Kim Scott, who founded an organization called Radical Candor, advocates for learning how to speak our minds. She argues that if we avoid challenging directly out of fear of being rude, we end up in a place of what she calls 'ruinous empathy.' If you notice, the axes here show that caring personally rests on the vertical axis, while challenging directly corresponds with the horizontal. Ruinous empathy exists on the left side of the plane, where you may care but lack the willingness to challenge. The ideal position is in the top right, where you care personally while being able to challenge directly.
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I want to share a quick story from the article 'The Surprising Secret of Being a Good Boss.' In it, Scott discusses Sheryl Sandberg's feedback to her after a presentation at Google for a group of executives. Kim was raving about how well it went, but Sheryl pointed out, 'You said “um” a lot.' Kim brushed it off, explaining it was due to her nerves and that the audience received her well. However, Sheryl was straightforward: 'When you say “um” a lot, it makes you sound stupid.' Scott was surprised but also grateful because she recognized the need to improve.
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This moment highlights how, because of their great relationship, Sandberg could challenge her in a constructive manner. At the bottom right of our map, we observe 'obnoxious aggression,' marked by high challenge but low personal care. Kim Scott mentions that if you cannot offer radical candor, the second best is being the jerk. You don’t want to lean toward ruinous empathy; being a little abrasive can serve a purpose. I've come to recognize how beneficial friends can be who are willing to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
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Not everyone will have a perfect relationship with someone but can provide beneficial feedback. While I won't dive into insecurities due to a lack of time, I encourage you to read the article or check out Kim Scott's website. Giving feedback that is actionable, specific, and kind is a great start, but it isn’t enough to ensure you won’t end up doing just the opposite.
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When I look at this slide, I imagine someone stepping into a feedback conversation and spilling their emotional experience across the unfortunate recipient. I brought up a few questions to ask yourself before entering into a feedback conversation to avoid this emotional outpouring. Start with checking how grounded you both are. If yelling or name-calling is happening, or if any party is overly distraught, those cues indicate that a feedback session should be postponed.
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It's also essential to be aware of your personal values, privileges, and biases. I point to a TED Talk by Susan Colantuno titled 'The Career Advice You Probably Didn't Get' as an easy example. In this talk, she presents research indicating that while men and women begin as equal leaders in mid-level management roles, there is a significant gap in how they are mentored. As they ascend in their careers, women are often encouraged to enhance their confidence, while men are trained to develop business acumen, impacting their leadership capabilities.
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The point is that when entering feedback conversations, we must ensure that we are thoughtful about how biases might affect our feedback, especially when we hold a position of power. This is where I share a story from when I first started working at a home for young single mothers as a counselor. One night, as I prepared for an outing, one of the mothers was late—a common occurrence. I grew frustrated and stormed upstairs, threatening her with dire consequences. I didn’t realize my power could impact her significantly until she informed my supervisor.
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Afterward, my supervisor took me out for coffee to provide feedback about how I had communicated with that mother. The feedback demonstrated exceptional empathy and fostered a dialogue about what happened and how we could resolve it together. I was encouraged to apologize for my words and required to learn nonviolent communication practices. The expectation was for me to create a program that would teach these same skills to others, which significantly shaped my future interactions in feedback scenarios.
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The lesson here is to remain aware of your power and how the recipient might feel receiving this feedback from you. It’s about being open to dialogue like my supervisor did, who invited me into discussing what transpired and showing me empathy. I recommend watching Brené Brown's video on the difference between empathy and sympathy. Her succinct teaching emphasizes the importance of empathy, as it allows us to connect with others in their discomfort without attempting to resolve it quickly.
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Finally, always check in with people after giving feedback. If you've offered support or made agreements, it's essential to maintain integrity and follow through. You can avoid many potential decisions if you check in with these questions before engaging in a feedback conversation.
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Now that we understand how to give feedback, let’s quickly explore how to receive it effectively. The first approach is to relax your perfectionist mindset. Brené Brown remarks that perfectionism is self-focused—focusing on how you're perceived—whereas a growth mindset focuses on improvement. When receiving feedback, think of it as an opportunity to become better, rather than a judgment of your worth.
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You need to see feedback as a collaborative effort, seeking growth with assistance from others. Trying to improve on your own can be incredibly challenging. For example, as a pair programmer, I know the benefits of collaborating with others; we generate ideas together, ultimately leading to better solutions. A culture of feedback thrives when we allow collaboration and learning as a group.
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You also need to avoid being defensive, whether overtly or subconsciously. In my life, I've wrestled with defensiveness. I used to lash out when feeling vulnerable, while others may engage in passive or aggressive defensive behaviors. Developing self-awareness through meditation has provided insights into my emotional responses, helping me recognize how my feelings influence my actions and vice versa.
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Additionally, you must practice empathy both for yourself and others. Treat your feelings and reactions with understanding. When receiving feedback, even if it's poorly communicated, try to respond with empathy, and embrace the opportunity for growth. When I learned to meditate, my teacher emphasized compassion and recognizing the inner critic, encouraging me to redirect compassion towards myself.
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Lastly, take what works and leave the rest. Not everyone's feedback will resonate with you, and that’s perfectly fine. You can choose to use the constructive feedback while discarding what doesn't serve your development. Maintaining an attitude of gratitude and respect for what people offer creates a culture of ongoing feedback.
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I have included resources in my slides that can aid in practicing giving actionable, specific, and kind feedback. I encourage you to take the chance to build this skill immediately while doing so in an environment ripe for growth. Thank you very much for your time today, and I’d love to open the floor for any questions.
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For building a culture of feedback, we use a tool called 15-5. This tool helps everyone, at least in the San Francisco office, to provide weekly feedback on areas we believe the company could improve upon or share experiences during pair programming. We also do retrospectives, both as a larger team monthly and smaller teams weekly, which allows for continuous progress evaluation.
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Every employee also has a mentor, or what we call a coach in our office. This assists in holding people accountable for their projects. Coaches are responsible for passing along feedback or facilitating improvements in communication, which can enhance how feedback is delivered and received.
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Regarding empathy towards ourselves in feedback, this may seem contradictory, but treating ourselves gently during tough moments is crucial. We need to adjust our internal monologue from a judgmental tone to a more nurturing perspective. Rather than being self-critical, we should reflect that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
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To encourage colleagues to give feedback, I am vocal about my desire for continuous improvement. When I work with peers, I directly ask for their input. I constantly tell my colleagues that I genuinely want feedback and growth, which keeps me accountable.
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If you're dealing with someone who provides feedback poorly, I recommend not taking it personally. Start by observing the situation without making assumptions about the person's intent. Point out the specific behaviors you observe and invite a discussion about their experiences.
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Initiate a dialogue to create understanding and empathy. Additionally, talk with your supervisors about how to foster this culture of feedback at your workplace. Engaging with senior leadership is vital for encouraging a perspective that values everyone's contributions and developmental journeys.
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This includes facilitating discussions around mistakes as opportunities for growth. Cultivating a supportive environment requires placing emphasis on respectful communication and understanding. Thank you for being part of today’s session.
