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I spoke to someone from Michigan recently, and it was one degree there—one degree! That's cold! But then I realized she was talking about one degree Fahrenheit, which translates to negative seventeen degrees Celsius. That's even colder than what I was picturing. She works at Abstract, which develops version control software for designers, and she loves to foster hedgehogs. Her most recent hedgehog was named Princess Kitana. While we were talking, she mentioned that fostering hedgehogs can actually be quite challenging.
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I follow some celebrity hedgehog accounts on Instagram, and let me tell you, they are adorable. Laura assures me that those hedgehogs are the exception. Most hedgehogs are not particularly social animals, they don’t like being awake during the day, and they definitely do not all wear colorful socks and curl up adorably. Laura also has a deep love for Harry Potter, which makes today's talk a blend of her interests: hedgehogs and Harry Potter. I'd like to welcome Laura!
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Like counting, communication is also hard, and we constantly get it wrong. It’s so easy to dismiss the need to improve our communication skills because we do it every day. We often wonder how bad we can truly be at it. When things go wrong, communication usually gets blamed for why things didn’t work out. We often assume it was a server issue, a code mishap, or other problems during development. If people communicated those mishaps when they happened and discussed their impact on delivery, things would likely go wrong much less frequently.
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Moreover, when things go right, we rarely attribute success to good communication. Most of the problems I’ve encountered can often be traced back to a communication mishap—a simple misunderstanding or an incorrectly spoken phrase. Whatever the specific issue, it usually involves a small tweak that could have avoided the problem altogether. Therefore, communication as a topic is very broad, and I can't cover it comprehensively in the twenty-minute slot we have today.
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So, this talk will focus on three key tips that can make the most significant impact in your communication. My goal is for you to leave here equipped with these three tips to improve your communication skills and positively influence your relationships with others immediately. Each example we discuss today will be grounded in real-world scenarios to ensure they are relatable and understandable.
00:03:06
That being said, there are going to be some difficult topics covered, including mental health and eye cancer. Also, if you've never seen Harry Potter and wish to remain spoiler-free, you've been warned! In the spirit of Harry Potter, you'll be accompanied today by two hedgehogs: Harry and Ron. Harry will be learning the art of communication, while Ron will take on all the other roles necessary.
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Without further ado, let’s jump into the tips we are going to discuss: think before you speak, drop the negatives, and watch your impact. Hi, my name is Laura. I’m a software engineer by day, a business owner by night, and an animal lover always. If you are on Twitter and would like to see pictures of hedgehogs and other cute animals, as my partner says, you can find me at @LauraTrev.
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Tip 1: Speaking without thinking can lead to all kinds of problems. You might accidentally let slip a secret, say something inappropriate in front of children—guilty!—or badmouth someone in front of their best friend. When you skip the thinking part and jump straight into speaking, I like to refer to that as a 'word vomit'. You end up spewing out whatever comes to mind first, without considering the consequences that may follow.
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In our digital age, the prevalence of messaging platforms like Slack has exacerbated this issue. We can edit our messages on the fly, altering them to make ourselves look better or more favorable. However, this option is unavailable in spoken communication. Due to the ease of editing our asynchronous messaging, our spoken words may show a much less favorable side of ourselves. Taking a moment to think before you communicate is the foundation of all good and understandable communication.
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It only takes a moment to consider what has been said and what you want to say; this can help you avoid that word vomit. If you think before you speak, you will say what you mean and be understood as you intended. The other tips I’ll discuss build on this foundational advice. Before you share your thoughts, ask yourself three essential questions to ensure clarity.
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First: What do you want to say? This focuses on the intended outcome or point you wish to convey. Second: Who are you talking to? Understanding your audience is crucial, as it directly influences your approach. Third: How should you explain it? Consider how to phrase your message or inquiry so that it is best received by the person you are conversing with. Though these questions may feel cumbersome at first, with practice, they will become second nature.
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Pausing to reflect before you speak helps you avoid sharing sensitive information that is private or not yours to disclose. For example, in Harry Potter, Hagrid had difficulty keeping secrets. Throughout much of the first movie, he revealed things he should have kept under wraps, particularly from Harry, Ron, and Hermione. One notable slip-up was when he shared that the three-headed dog, Fluffy, was guarding an important secret related to Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel.
00:07:38
Hagrid quickly realized the consequences of his words when he revealed this secret. He also struggled with how to keep other critical information confidential, such as how he came into possession of that dragon egg. Hagrid inadvertently provided significant hints about how to bypass Fluffy, which could have led to dire consequences had he considered who he was talking to. Taking a moment to analyze your audience can prevent embarrassing slips of the tongue.
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Many times, we say things we later regret when we are emotionally charged—especially when angry. The words that come out in such moments are often not the ones we want representing our true feelings after the emotional tide has passed. By pausing to think before responding in emotionally charged situations, you can avoid saying something that could have negative ramifications.
00:09:51
Tip 2: Dropping the negatives, such as 'not' or 'never' from your speech is a straightforward and effective communication strategy. In that moment of reflection before you speak, reconsider how you frame your response and eliminate those negatives. One of my favorite hobbies is to binge-watch YouTube videos where kids are doing or saying ridiculous things.
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A memorable example is a video featuring a child who was too quiet in one room. The parent, realizing this, asks, 'What are you doing?' to which the child replies, 'I’m not eating crayons!' The parent rushes in to find the walls covered in crayon drawings, indicating the child was indeed eating crayons! Isn’t it funny? Kids often inadvertently reveal their guilt through their denials.
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When we watch these videos or read these anecdotes, they often follow a similar pattern: the kid does something wrong, the adult asks about it, and the child responds with denial. This pattern perpetuates the idea that what they deny is indeed happening. Unfortunately, this theme continues into our adult lives. Often, we still reach for denial rather than directly answering questions. This tendency leads to additional complications when we communicate.
00:11:33
Negatives can make statements harder to parse, leading to misunderstandings. Consider phrases like, 'I can’t find my keys anywhere!' or 'I’m not doing anything wrong.' Statements like these increase the complexity of communication, ultimately creating space for confusion and misunderstanding. Recognizing that negatives often lead to miscommunication is crucial for improving conversational skills.
00:12:05
That being said, it's worth noting that negatives still have a place in our language. There are occasions when using a negative is the most suitable response. For instance, if you ask a salesperson if an item is available, you certainly want to know if it’s in stock, and they should honestly tell you it is not.
00:13:00
If someone solicits a yes or no response, provide a direct answer, even if it’s no. Common refrains like 'that’s not my job' can surface when individuals are confronted with responsibility that feels outside their scope. Perhaps Harry, in our scenario, might feel tempted to dismiss the request because he believes it isn't his job.
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However, what if Ron thinks it is Harry’s responsibility? Ron may ask Harry because he believes he’s the logical person to seek help from. By dismissing user requests, you risk creating a negative perception of yourself. You could earn a reputation for being unhelpful or even lazy.
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Instead, consider offering to connect the person with the individual responsible for the task rather than simply saying it’s not your problem. Saying that the issue isn’t your responsibility could be interpreted in multiple ways: either you are shirking responsibility or simply passing the buck. Being proactive in problem-solving will demonstrate your willingness to assist your colleagues and be viewed positively.
00:14:57
Now, let's move to the last tip: even if you speak or act with the best of intentions, the results may not always be positive. Everyone here has likely encountered situations where we've unintentionally hurt or offended someone with our words or actions. Often, we justify these instances by saying, 'But my intentions were good,' implying that our good intent excuses the impact of our actions.
00:15:41
Unfortunately, that belief is misplaced. Just because your intentions are good doesn’t mean your words won’t leave a negative impression on someone. For instance, when upper management wants to recognize their team’s hard work, they often praise the time spent instead of the actual outcome. Saying something like, 'Thank you for working late,' emphasizes time commitment over the quality of work.
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This can perpetuate unhealthy work habits, suggesting people should work late or under stress to earn recognition. It’s essential to focus on praising actual outcomes rather than emphasizing time spent. Remember, intentions can guide us, but they can't shield us from accountability for the impact our words have on others. Good intentions, when misplaced, can cause additional burdens.
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Let me share a personal story that highlights how well-meaning intentions can sometimes add to someone's burden rather than alleviate it. Recently, I received devastating news from my mother: she had cancer, and it looked like leukemia. I sobbed, and then drove across the state to be with her and help my dad manage logistics. It was a shock for our entire family.
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When we began informing others, our phones lit up with calls and texts filled with support. However, ironically, the best answer to the questions about what people could do to help would have been to ask them to stop calling and requesting updates. We needed space and time to process everything we were dealing with, but instead, we ended up repeating the little information we had over and over.
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This extreme example underscores how even the most genuine intentions to help can inadvertently add to a family's burden during challenging times. Our desire to reach out stems from feelings of helplessness, which are valid. However, that doesn’t diminish the need for families to have space to cope and organize their responses without being bombarded.
00:20:00
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, it’s often best to step back and allow the family time to process. They will eventually ask for updates when they are ready, at which point you can support them accordingly. In moments like this, wanting to ask for updates can come across as selfish when others try to help a grieving family.
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So, in closing, by thinking before you speak, you can avoid revealing secrets that aren't yours to share and prevent yourself from saying things you might later regret. Remember to ask yourself the three essential questions: what, who, and how.
00:20:52
Dropping the negatives improves clarity, and finally, always watch your impact when you communicate. You are ultimately responsible for your words and actions—consider how what you say affects those around you.
00:21:05
Communication is challenging, and mastering these tips will take time. Even I struggle with them, but they are incredibly important.
