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It's time! Awesome! Alright, so let's get started. In college, I had a professor who announced in our first discrete mathematics course that he was going to teach us how to count and that counting would be the hardest thing we learned in that class.
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As naive college students, we thought he was cuckoo. Counting hard? Ridiculous!
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Well, we quickly learned how accurate that statement was. Counting indeed was the hardest thing we learned, despite the fact that we thought we already knew how. So, like counting, communication is hard, and we constantly get it wrong.
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It's easy to dismiss the idea of improving our communication because we do it every day. So, how bad can we really be at it? When things go wrong, communication is one of the last things we tend to blame for our issues.
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We usually assume it was a server issue, a code mishap, or that we ran into a lot of problems during development. But if we communicated those hiccups upfront and explained why they happened and the impact on our deliverables, we would experience much fewer serious problems.
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Additionally, when things go right, we rarely attribute that success to good communication. Nearly every problem can often be traced back to a communication mishap, a simple misunderstanding, or perhaps just misspeaking. A small tweak in communication can avoid problems altogether.
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Communication is a huge topic, and anyone who has ever taken it seriously knows that there is indeed a lot to talk about. In this talk, I am going to focus on five tips that will have the most significant impact on your life. My goal is for you to leave here armed with these five tips that will improve your communication and positively impact your relationships with others immediately.
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Each example or walkthrough is grounded in real-world scenarios to ensure they're relatable and understandable. Whenever possible, we will examine conversations that happen among developers. However, be forewarned: there will be some difficult mental health topics and occasional profanity. And if you've never seen Harry Potter, this is your warning.
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The theme of Harry Potter will be present throughout as we draw parallels to two hedgehogs: Ron and Harry. Harry, as the talk suggests, is the one learning how to communicate, while Ron will play all the other necessary roles. When they appear on the slide together, Harry will be denoted by the lightning-bolt scar on his head.
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Without further ado, here are the tips we are going to talk about: Think then speak; Drop the ‘no’s; Drop the ‘just’s; Watch your phrasing; and Praise in public, critique in private.
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Hi, my name is Laura. I am a software engineer by day, a business owner by night, and an animal lover always. If you’re on Twitter and like to see pictures of hedgehogs and other cute animals, as well as funny things my husband says and occasional mental health topics, you can find me at @LauraTrev. And for some examples of fuzzy animals, that’s my dog, Jackie, and my hedgehog, Princess Kitana.
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Alright, so tip number one: Think then speak. Speaking without thinking can lead to all sorts of problems. You may let slip a secret, say something inappropriate, or badmouth someone in front of their best friend. When you bypass thinking and dive right into speech, you’re operating on what I like to call "word vomit," simply saying whatever comes to mind first regardless of the possible consequences that may follow.
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In the digital age, platforms like Slack and other editable messaging services have exacerbated this problem. We can edit our messages on the fly, changing history to make it more favorable for us. Unfortunately, this editing ability is not available in spoken communication.
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Because of how frequently we edit our asynchronous messaging, our spoken interactions tend to reveal our less favorable attributes. Taking a moment to think before you communicate is the foundation of all good, understandable communication. The moment you take to consider what was said and what you wish to convey can prevent that word vomit. Then, you will say what you mean, mean what you say, and be understood as it was intended.
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All of the other tips we discuss will build on this. There are three questions to ask yourself before communicating: First, what do you want to say? This helps clarify your intended outcome or point that you wish to convey. Second, who are you talking to? Knowing your audience is crucial as it directly affects how to approach the conversation.
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Finally, how should you explain it? How can you phrase your enquiry or message to be best received by the person you’re conversing with? Let’s say, for example, you need to take a day off last minute, but your team is pushing towards a big upcoming deadline. You would go through these questions: What do you want to say? Why you want to take time off?
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And who are you talking to? In this case, you’re talking to your boss. Now, how should you explain it? Probably carefully since your boss is anxious about the deadline, and last-minute time off might not be well-received.
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Sure, you can still ask for that time off, but you also want to provide reassurances regarding how you’ll ensure your work is completed and on schedule before taking that time away. These questions might seem burdensome to go over each time you wish to communicate, and I understand that.
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However, practicing these questions repeatedly—even in written communication and your spoken interactions—will eventually enable you to do this instinctively.
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By taking a moment to think before you speak, you can avoid inadvertently sharing something that is private or not yours to disclose. In Harry Potter, for example, Ron often has a difficult time keeping secrets and spends much of the first movie revealing things that should have been confidential, especially to Harry and Hermione.
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For instance, he told them the secret about the three-headed dog he was guarding, which was supposed to be between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel. He immediately regretted revealing the secret after saying Nicholas Flamel, turning to Ron while muttering his dismay later.
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While trying to hatch a dragon egg he found from a stranger, he deemed most of the other protections as pointless because only he and Dumbledore supposedly knew how to bypass the dog. Most of us slip up, but it’s still a giveaway that other spells and enchantments exist surrounding this matter.
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So when Harry began questioning how Hagrid had obtained the dragon egg and what had occurred to end up in a stranger's pocket, he confronted Hagrid. As a result, Hagrid inadvertently revealed that he had communicated to that stranger how to bypass the dog by playing it a bit of music to make it fall asleep.
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If Hagrid had taken a moment to think about who he was talking to, there’s a good chance he would have stopped himself from sharing secrets with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. It’s also likely he would have considered the implications of telling a complete stranger how to get past the dog guarding a crucial stone.
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Furthermore, Hagrid regretted what he said afterward, so pausing before speaking could have saved him a lot of that regret. Other times, people may express things in a heated moment when they are angry or otherwise emotional, leading to words that they often regret later once their emotions cool down.
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So, take a moment to think before responding to avoid saying something you may regret later. Professor McGonagall, for instance, was brilliant at thinking on her feet and filtering her thoughts based on whom she was speaking to.
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This was particularly evident when she was speaking to Professor Umbridge, a cruel, evil professor dressed in pink during Harry’s fifth year. When Umbridge attempted to fire Professor Trelawney, McGonagall comfortingly enquired if there was something she wanted to say, but she did so carefully to avoid invoking an egregious reaction.
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As tensions rose in her classroom, McGonagall quickly addressed Umbridge’s interruptions with strength, asserting her authority and demanding to know why Umbridge was in her classroom.
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Now, tip number two: Drop the 'no's. Removing negative phrases and denials from your speech is one of the more straightforward tips. In the moment before you speak, you can evaluate how you're about to phrase your response and eliminate those negative expressions.
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One of my favorite pastimes is chain-watching videos on YouTube. Occasionally, I stumble across a video of kids doing or saying ridiculous things. For instance, one example that comes to mind features a kid who was playing quietly in another room while his mother rested on the couch.
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After some time, the mother noticed it was getting a bit too quiet and inquired, ‘What are you doing?’ The kid replied, ‘I am NOT eating crayons.’ Naturally, the mom leapt off the sofa and rushed into the room to find the walls covered in drawings and crayons scattered across the carpet.
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We find this hilarious because it’s so relatable. We all knew that kid was definitely eating crayons simply from the way he answered that question. Instead of stating that he was coloring, he opted for denial by saying he was not eating crayons.
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Unfortunately, children often lack awareness in their communications. Denying when asked a question is akin to admitting guilt, which is precisely what happened in this scenario. When you deny something, others will instinctively seek the truth behind your statement, and chances are your denial reveals more about the truth than a direct answer would.
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If you take the word ‘not’ out of that child's response, what you’re left with is: ‘I’m eating crayons’—and that kid was definitely eating those crayons. When you watch these videos or read stories about kids misbehaving, there’s a common thread: the child does something wrong, and when the adult asks what they’re doing, the child responds with a denial.
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Unfortunately, this theme persists even in adult communication. When we are asked a question, we often reach for denial rather than simply answering the question directly. In general, a tendency exists to communicate in various forms of negatives.
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We express the lack of something, we deny things, or we say we’re not doing something wrong. All these contribute to how you’re perceived. Negatives are harder to comprehend and even more difficult to understand when they are compounded. Statements like: ‘I can’t find my keys nowhere’ or ‘I’m not doing nothing wrong’ complicate the message significantly.
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Communicating via negatives raises the complexity associated with understanding what is being said, often leading to misunderstandings. It's short-sighted to realize that negatives can be one of the reasons why we feel misunderstood. That said, negatives still have a place in our language.
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Let’s consider a scenario. If you walk into a store and ask for an item that's out of stock, you want that sales rep to inform you that they do not have any available. Any other answer could be frustrating.
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When someone directly asks a question, answer it directly, even if it involves a negative. Here are examples of the negatives we should drop: ‘That’s not possible,’ or ‘We can’t do that,’ are common responses when faced with an impossible deadline or an absurd feature request.
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When presented with such requests, many people simply state that something is impossible. The truth is, deadlines will come and go, regardless of your sentiments surrounding their feasibility. Instead of saying that something is not possible, shift the focus to what is achievable by that deadline.
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This type of language opens up a conversation that allows both parties to contribute and come to an agreement. For those major features that don’t fit within the project's scope, you can be honest and explain that it will take time while offering to break down what the feature actually needs.
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This is important because it shows your willingness to work with them to find a solution that meets their requirements, and it often helps uncover better solutions for the problems users are facing.
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With these rephrased responses, you demonstrate that you are receptive to their input and ideas, while also showing a willingness to assist them in finding a satisfactory solution. Saying, ‘That’s not my job’ often occurs when we're asked to handle tasks that fall outside our so-called job descriptions.
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In this case, Harry may easily dismiss the request because he believes it belongs to someone else, but what happens if Ron thinks it was Harry's responsibility, or if Ron is unsure who to ask and Harry seems like a logical choice?
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Dismissing such requests can unintentionally lead to negative perceptions about you, resulting in a reputation for being unhelpful or a slacker—or worse, someone who can't or won't do their job. Instead, you can point out who does handle that job and offer to give them a tip.
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Now, the phrase 'not my problem' is another common refrain that arises when indicating a refusal to take responsibility. When uttered, it can be interpreted in two ways: either you're deflecting accountability because you'd prefer to do something else, or you're passing off another person's problem.
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However, that issue may still affect you given that you use the same build. Either way, evading responsibility often garners negative impressions from others, so take a moment to concentrate on that problem and assist wherever possible. People will view you more positively if you do, and even if you cannot resolve the issue, they will appreciate your efforts.
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Of course, there will be times when the problem truly is someone else's responsibility. In this situation, you have two options: point that individual towards someone who can help, or act as a sounding board in the conversation.
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Either approach will demonstrate to your teammates that you are willing to assist. Here’s another common phrase: 'I’m too busy.' This often comes from busy developers during requests for help. The expectation is that everyone has halted whatever they were doing to assist.
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This assumption, however, is unreasonable. Everyone needs uninterrupted flow time to be productive. Unfortunately, interruptions will inevitably happen, and with them, your train of thought can derail. When someone interrupts you, try not to lash out.
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Instead, inform them that you’re deep in concentration and appreciate their understanding. People inherently recognize the idea of being 'in the zone,' and using this approach can minimize the need to defend your interruption.
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There are companies that enforce policies to maintain uninterrupted flow time. For instance, listening with both headphones on signifies 'do not disturb.' Now, let's talk about tip number three: Drop the ‘just’s.
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In addition to the commonality of using negatives, we are also prone to using the word 'just.' There are three different types of 'just' that we should avoid, as they tend to provoke misunderstandings: the ‘distressed just’, the 'diffident just,' and the 'diminutive just.'
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The distressed just is the one we tend to use when we’re feeling superior or condescending, or when the subject matter seems beneath our focus. This is particularly prevalent in pull requests or when people pose questions we might consider basic.
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For instance, you might hear phrases like 'Why don’t you just do this?' or 'You can just do that.' This sort of language implies that you're too impatient to actually engage with the work and justify its submission, indicating that you're telling the individual how you would do it instead.
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It’s vital to approach the topic with an open mind; you could learn something new. Oftentimes, the alternative they’ve suggested may be a brilliant new way of doing something, and so you should take time to dig into their reasoning.
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The diffident just often appears when someone feels insecure, detracting from their accomplishments in the wake of someone else's seemingly greater achievements.
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It's essential to note that being humble is not the same as being diffident. A humble person uses language that is unassuming and unpretentious, while someone who is diffident will talk down their abilities or accomplishments.
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For instance, you might hear someone say ‘I just ran a 5K.’ This comparison reflects a diminished perspective. In reality, running a 5K is still an accomplishment, particularly for newer or casual runners.
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Similarly, presenting oneself as ‘just a developer’ only undermines your abilities and contribution to the team or community. So, drop the ‘just’ and take pride in your accomplishments—whether you are proud of completing a lightning talk or achieving something else.
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The diminutive just focuses on diminishing others, assuming their feelings or actions are invalid or exaggerated. This is often seen in how we discuss feelings surrounding mental health disorders.
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For example, phrases like ‘You’re just sad’ or ‘It’s all in your head’ perpetuate harmful stigmas. Mental illnesses affect around one in five adults in the United States, which amounts to about 43.8 million people.
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Hearing phrases like ‘You’re just a nervous Nellie’ can evoke feelings of guilt and worthlessness in those who suffer from anxiety or depression. Instead of downplaying their suffering, be there for someone, offering your support without judgments.
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A comforting presence can make a significant difference. For example, one of my friends copes with mental anxieties and depression through running. She runs to create a community among people facing the same challenges or those who are willing to help raise awareness about mental health.
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Another friend is affected by anxiety, making even simple tasks like ordering food daunting. In these cases, offering to bring them some food or simply being present without necessitating conversation can mean the world.
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One of my favorite Harry Potter quotes comes from when Harry faces Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest during the Battle of Hogwarts. He wonders if what he's experiencing is real or just in his head. Dumbledore, a highly respected figure, states that things happening inside your head are just as real as anything else.
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Tip number four: Watch your phrasing. We've touched on phrasing a few times so far, but let’s dive deeper. Phrasing is a broad term, so I will break it down into three types: self-deprecating, stereotypical, and ambiguous.
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Self-deprecating phrasing is harmful to your psyche and often based on falsehoods. Such phrases diminish your worth and weaken others' perceptions of you. When someone asks, ‘How are you?’ and you respond with, ‘I’m fine,’ it can be interpreted in so many different ways.
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These often used phrases can lead to misinterpretations of your feelings, especially if you’re not vibing well. Try responding more honestly, like saying, ‘I’m doing great!’ or even simply stating when you feel down.
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Comparative phrases can also hurt, especially when building on someone else's brilliance. For example, saying ‘I just did this’ devalues your accomplishments.
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Using derogatory terms to describe your experiences perpetuates negative perceptions. Phrases like ‘loony bin’ further the stigma that mental health issues only impact ‘crazy’ people.
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On the contrary, admitting your experiences can make a positive impact on breaking stigma. So avoid phrases that demean your experience or yourself. Speaking openly about needing medication for mental health problems has become common; there's nothing wrong with that.
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Discriminatory phrasing is another area where many find themselves in trouble—phrases that perpetuate stigmas regarding individuals or groups. Using general terms like ‘ladies and gents’ or ‘man up’ can alienate individuals.
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Additionally, the phrase ‘that’s gay’ has become commonplace to express disdain. This perpetuates negative stereotypes regarding those in the LGBTQIA+ community.
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So instead of using such negative stereotypes to describe situations, remove those phrases from your vocabulary. You should strive to represent people accurately and impartially.
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Ambiguous phrases can also be misinterpreted in distressing ways. For example, humorous miscommunications might occur when you didn’t clarify exactly what you mean.
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In Harry Potter, there’s a scene where Hermione describes her relationship with Viktor Krum, saying he’s more of a ‘physical being’ to which Harry misinterprets as her meaning physically intimate. However, Hermione simply meant that Viktor was quiet and more focused on her studies.
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We've also seen vague statements downplayed as just another live event. The Brigadier's casual reference to a last-minute encounter during the Titanic disaster exemplifies how aloof phrases can skew reality.
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Tip number five is to praise in public and critique in private. The feedback loop, which includes both praise and critique, is vital for growth, and it’s essential to recognize how we commend each other.
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Praising someone publicly and providing constructive critique privately is often cited in leadership discussions, but this advice can have unintended consequences when coming from management. It’s essential to focus on peer-to-peer feedback.
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When praise and critique are delivered effectively at the peer level, team empowerment grows, accountability increases, and together, we can celebrate success and navigate challenges.
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Praise is an intrinsic part of our nature. We crave recognition and acknowledgment for the work we do and the results we achieve. However, many of us are not skilled at giving or expressing praise.
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We frequently fail to celebrate when things go well, which diminishes the joy embedded within our achievements. Receiving genuine praise creates motivation to continue succeeding.
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It’s vital to emphasize that praise should recognize the work done rather than the time it took to achieve it. For example, thanking someone for working late shifts the focus onto time commitment rather than the quality of the outcome.
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Consequently, you want to praise the outcome, regardless of the time spent, so that everyone feels acknowledged for producing quality work. On the contrary, providing feedback in public often backfires.
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Remember, you’re part of a team that empowers each other, and addressing inappropriate behavior should be handled delicately to avoid public humiliation.
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Our natural impulse may be to point out the misbehavior loudly, but consider that several times, an individual may not even comprehend they’ve acted inappropriately. Before you react, contemplate your response.
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If a private reprimand suffices to convey that their behavior is inappropriate, act accordingly. Providing feedback in public often provokes emotions that can cloud judgment.
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In those circumstances, the person receiving the reprimand is unlikely to understand why what they said or did was considered wrong. Effective feedback from peers is essential for everyone’s learning and development.
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In the end, we’ve discussed how understanding the principles of effective communication can significantly improve personal relationships and workplace dynamics.
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So to recap, think before you speak; dropping the ‘no’s can improve understanding; eliminating the ‘just’s alters perception; phrasing matters; and the importance of both praise and critique cannot be overstated.
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Communication is complex. It will take time and practice to master these tips, but as you do—through written and spoken communication—you will grow increasingly proficient.
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I am sharing these insights because they are significant, and I have witnessed their positive effects on my life and relationships.