Strategies for saying no

Talks

Elle Meredith

@elle

#leadership

#personal-development

Strategies for saying no

by Elle Meredith

In the presentation titled "Strategies for Saying No" by Elle Meredith at RailsConf 2023, the speaker addresses the common struggle many face when it comes to declining requests, particularly in a managerial role. The discussion emphasizes that while saying yes can seem appealing to avoid disappointing others, it's imperative to understand when and how to say no effectively to maintain focus and prevent burnout.

The session is structured into five acts:

Identifying Situations: The speaker outlines various scenarios where requests may arise, emphasizing that as one transitions from an individual contributor to a manager, the burden of accepting too many responsibilities can hinder performance.
Reflection on Difficulties: Meredith explores the psychological barriers to saying no, such as guilt and a desire to be seen as a team player. She shares anecdotes where overcommitting led to poor performance, reinforcing that it’s vital to protect one's time.
Conceptual Understanding: This section highlights the importance of leadership in decision-making, elaborating on how saying no can manifest directionally either upwards (to superiors) or downwards (to subordinates). She quotes Steve Jobs, explaining that focus means saying no to various opportunities to prioritize essential tasks.
Practical Strategies: The heart of the talk presents 11 practical strategies for saying no:
- Define clear goals aligned with the company's vision.
- Use techniques like "Yes, and..." to shift focus rather than outright decline requests.
- Buy time with "Give me time to think about that" to assess the situation before responding.
- Delegation of tasks to involve team members better and promote their growth.
- Create transparent policies to set expectations for work requests.
- Encourage open communication to understand requests more fully, which allows for a more informed decision about saying yes or no.
Future Considerations: The final act discusses what to prioritize when saying no. By understanding the importance of discerning urgent from non-urgent tasks, individuals can focus their efforts on what truly matters, driving success at both personal and organizational levels.

The key takeaways from Meredith’s talk are:
- Saying no is essential for effective time management and energy conservation.
- It's crucial to have strategies in place that allow for respectful and clear communication when declining requests.
- Establishing boundaries can lead to personal and professional growth for managers and their teams alike.

Overall, this talk serves as a valuable guide for professionals aiming to assertively navigate the challenges of declining requests while maintaining healthy workplace relationships.

00:00:01 foreign

00:00:19 I'm Ellie. I'm going to talk about strategies for saying no. Now if you search the topic, there are numerous articles on how to say no to your boss. However, there are not many articles that address how to say no to your team as well.

00:00:25 I will mention a couple of general strategies on how to say no, but I will mainly focus on how to tactfully say no as a manager of people. In this talk, I'm going to have five acts. The First Act is about the experiences when situations that make it necessary to say no arise.

00:00:41 Act number two will reflect on why we have trouble saying no to people. In Act number three, we'll think about the concepts and ideas surrounding when we should say no and how that works. Act number four will be the main portion of the talk, where I will discuss eleven different strategies you can use, along with scripts you can follow to make the process easier.

00:01:06 Finally, in the last act, we're going to switch gears a bit and discuss when and how to say yes, which is the opposite of saying no.

00:01:38 Let's start with Act number one, focusing on the situations that often lead to requests. Frequently, requests come from our manager, peers, or other business units, or even from people who report to us.

00:01:51 If you are an individual contributor who excelled at your job and have now been promoted to an engineering manager, you may find it difficult. You were successful in delivering results before but now have the added responsibility of overseeing the work of others.

00:02:02 You may want to say yes to all tasks, but it ultimately leaves you short on time for your own responsibilities. Attempting to juggle too many tasks can lead to burnout, frustration, and hinder your ability to accomplish what is truly important.

00:02:30 It is unrealistic to think we can say yes to everything. Learning creates meaning, which is highly personal for each of us. Reflecting on our experiences helps us understand our position and where we want to be.

00:02:59 For many of us, saying no doesn't come naturally; we feel guilty about disappointing a boss or colleague. We want to be seen as team players or as someone who is consistently available for help.

00:03:20 I recall a colleague who was viewed as the go-to person for marketing support. He was always helpful to others, but this often resulted in his work suffering, leading to poor performance reviews.

00:03:48 Furthermore, agreeing to take on too many assignments can lead to feeling stretched and stressed. It is crucial that we learn to say no, as it is vital for both our personal success and the success of the organization.

00:04:10 But that doesn't make it any easier to do. Although we often hear advice to raise our hands for every opportunity and volunteer for more projects, this approach becomes detrimental when we are overloaded.

00:04:30 It can be difficult to say no because we are programmed to perceive agreement as affection and refusal as rejection. We need to recognize the reality that our response may disappoint someone.

00:04:49 To navigate this, we must be aware of our tendencies to often say yes and the importance of establishing our boundaries. While it is impossible to please everyone, our own needs also matter. We can assert our priorities without coming off as aggressive.

00:05:10 When we struggle to say no, others may take advantage of our willingness, leading us to feel fatigued and depleted. The best strategy to troubleshoot this energy drain is to practice saying no more often.

00:05:32 Taking on too many obligations leads to neglecting our own needs, resulting in feelings of resentment and regret. Learning to say no in a healthy manner gives us more control over our time, life, work, and careers.

00:05:51 Many leaders struggle to find time to reflect on their roles as they are usually reactive rather than proactive. They often go with the flow instead of questioning their actions.

00:06:03 When we spread our energy too thin, trying to do everything, we end up in perpetual conflict with ourselves. Instead, we need to determine what we value most and optimize our efforts towards those goals—letting go of less important tasks.

00:06:33 Whatever we decide to focus on should become our guiding star as we build our vision and company objectives around it. Now let's delve into some concepts related to this topic.

00:06:54 Anyone with the authority to say yes or no to specific tasks is demonstrating leadership. Saying no can occur in various directions. Saying no upwards, for example, can be more challenging in a strongly hierarchical culture.

00:07:21 Saying no downwards may feel easier, as reports are typically expected to comply. Nevertheless, if we delay saying no long enough, it can become quite difficult. It is similarly challenging to refuse lateral requests from peers.

00:07:37 We often care about what others think and fear negative consequences that may arise from saying no. I appreciate this quote by Steve Jobs: "People think focus means saying yes to the thing that you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to a hundred other good things.”

00:08:05 When we agree to too many commitments, we end up saying no to the most important tasks in our lives. This means that we fail to set proper priorities of what truly matters.

00:08:24 Did you know that when the word 'priority' was first introduced into English in the 16th century, it was used solely in the singular form? The plural form wasn’t established until the 20th century, suggesting that we should focus on one main priority.

00:08:44 Yet in today’s world, can we realistically limit our focus to just one thing deserving our attention? It’s a challenging endeavor.

00:09:00 I want to share a thought of the day: If something is neither urgent nor important, it's time to say no. Moving on to Act number four.

00:09:22 In Act number four, I will discuss innovative adaptations that are the ultimate results of learning, along with strategies for how we can say no to our colleagues.

00:09:40 The first strategy involves having a defined vision and goals. If everything seems urgent, try to align your tasks with the organization's mission and vision statement. Remove anything that doesn't directly support those goals.

00:10:08 It is important to communicate with the relevant stakeholders about what you are no longer working on. Our goals should be clear and help guide our decisions on what to focus our efforts on.

00:10:28 For example, you can say: "I am focused on serving our company's best interest, put here specific goals. With that in mind, it is not in our best interest for me to take on project Z right now. I'm happy to revisit this next quarter or fiscal year."

00:10:50 Another tactic involves the improv strategy 'yes, and.' For instance, say: "Yes, we can undertake this additional project, but we will need to delay the start of the other project currently on our roadmap."

00:11:10 You can also appeal to authority by asking your supervisor about priority by saying: "Which project should I prioritize?" Describing decisions straightforwardly can help clarify the value trade-offs involved.

00:11:30 You can also respond with an 'almost yes.' For example, say: "Give me time to think about that." This buys time for you to assess the urgency of the request before making a decision to decline it.

00:11:47 A useful approach in roadmap discussions is the phrase 'not yet.' This indicates that while the task will not be done immediately, it may be addressed at a later time.

00:12:08 You also might mention practical reasons for not being able to accept a request now. Let the requestor know when they can try again in the future, stating: "I can help you with this once you complete Y."

00:12:29 Another strategy is delegating. For instance, ask, "Can I delegate this to someone better suited for the job?" Delegating tasks allows others to grow in their roles.

00:12:49 You could say: "I cannot assist with this, but Bob can. Shall we talk to him?" Delegate with clarity to ensure your team feels empowered.

00:13:08 In collaborative environments, create policies for work. When colleagues request something, you can refer to established procedures, saying: "This is Jill's responsibility this week."

00:13:26 Encourage standard responses by saying: "We can’t take action without a detailed ticket," emphasizing documented processes that must be followed.

00:13:50 Another script is: "Help me say yes." Ask several questions to learn more about the request to ensure support for a positive decision.

00:14:05 This can prompt the person requesting to elaborate, allowing you to understand their perspective better before making a decision.

00:14:27 Appealing to budget can also be effective. For example, if a team member wishes to attend a costly conference, respond: "We have several team members wanting to attend this event. We can't afford all of us to go, so let’s decide who will attend this time."

00:14:49 Sometimes, it is best to be direct and 'rip the bandage off.' Quickly say no to requests that you cannot accommodate. This is more efficient than dragging out the decision process.

00:15:06 Moreover, when denying a request, explain the reasoning behind your decision. Share the logic and values guiding your response to avoid misunderstandings.

00:15:29 Lastly, foster a team-oriented approach, making decisions collectively when feasible. Involvement creates a sense of ownership and consensus, making it easier to say no.

00:15:42 As leaders, we are responsible for making sound decisions and fostering a supportive team environment. Involvement conveys trust within the team.

00:16:00 We discuss leadership styles and how a democratic approach is beneficial in many cases, but not always.

00:16:22 To illustrate, Michael Lop states in his book, "Your team is collectively smarter than you," reflecting the importance of team collaboration in decision-making.

00:16:45 Additionally, addressing people pleasers can be tricky. Some may have difficulty saying no, leading to potential overcommitment and burnout.

00:17:01 Recognizing their tendency to say yes, you might suggest they could pause current tasks while they engage with a new priority.

00:17:20 Next, I'd like to take questions or discuss scenarios where someone has requested you to perform a task outside your responsibilities.

00:18:00 Responses may vary, with some saying yes out of obligation, or suggesting delegating to someone else or postponing.

00:18:15 In a scenario where a manager requests something outside the Sprint plan, you might reply: "What should I prioritize to accommodate this? What can be removed from the current Sprint?".

00:18:30 It's crucial to address ongoing needs without overextending yourself. This could empower you to clarify project ownership and goals.

00:19:00 If requests seem overwhelming or out of line, it may help to consult higher-ups for clarification.

00:19:15 While working with clients, educating them about what will be undertaken is crucial. Explain the required steps, limiting expectations to avoid surprises.

00:19:40 Effective communication in breaking down tasks and expectations can help mitigate conflicts regarding timelines and project requirements.

00:20:00 Building relationships and trust first can help ease discussions when saying no. By prioritizing effective communication, you can prevent future conflicts.

00:20:15 We cannot influence others’ emotions, but we can control our reactions and communication to help build trust over time.

00:20:30 The process takes practice, but establishing trust will assist in saying no when decisions become necessary.

00:20:45 When discussing emotional responses in a work setting, always maintain professionalism.

00:21:00 To summarize, it’s vital to build trust before you have to say no.

00:21:15 It's important to remember that the most effective communication comes when prior relationships and trust are established.

00:21:30 Thank you for your attention, and I hope these strategies will help you develop confidence in saying no.

00:21:45 We now have time for questions if anyone is curious.

00:21:55 If someone is insistent, it's important to maintain a clear boundary while also expressing willingness to listen.

00:22:00 Returning to our previous discussion, let’s address how we maintain relationships during tough conversations.

00:22:10 It’s essential to recognize differing priorities when negotiating with colleagues. What is vital to you may not align with their perspectives.

00:22:25 It’s possible to find mutual agreement—that benefits both parties. If not, approaching a manager can help clarify the intended course of action.

00:22:40 Overall, clarifying goals and maintaining clear boundaries allows us to better navigate workplace relationships.

00:22:55 Ultimately, transparency is vital for overcoming resistance when saying no.

00:23:05 Thank you for your engagement and consideration throughout this discussion.

RailsConf 2023