Ruby Video
Amanda Wagener
The Parental Programmer
Amanda Wagener
1 talk
Summarized using AI

The Parental Programmer

by Amanda Wagener

The video, titled "The Parental Programmer," features Amanda Wagener discussing the challenges of balancing parenting with a career in programming, particularly as a new parent. The talk addresses common dilemmas faced by programming parents, offering insightful advice and strategies gathered from a global survey of fellow parents in the tech industry.

Key points discussed include:

- Prioritization: Parents must consciously decide whether to prioritize parenting or programming, understanding that this priority can shift over time as children grow older.

- Life Stages: Recognizing that the demanding phases of parenting are temporary, and that it's common to focus on one aspect more heavily at different stages.

- Self-Care: It's crucial for parents to take care of their own needs first, such as managing sleep and leisure time, in order to be effective caretakers and employees.

- Work Environment: Recommendations against trying to work while simultaneously caring for children, and the importance of having a dedicated workspace to enhance productivity.

- Flexibility and Support: Employers should cultivate family-friendly environments by offering flexible work hours, part-time options, and professional development opportunities.

- Community Engagement: Suggestions on participating in open source and community events, focusing on quality over quantity, and leveraging remote participation options when possible.

- Childcare Solutions: Strategies for managing childcare, such as using babysitters or family members, and the importance of having childcare options during conferences.

- Mental Health: Emphasizing the significance of mental wellness for parents and the need for support systems, especially for those experiencing feelings of isolation.

Wagener concludes that while balancing programming and parenting can be daunting, making conscious choices about priorities and embracing flexibility are vital. She encourages a community approach to support programming parents, highlighting that a supportive work environment benefits both individuals and software development as a whole.

00:00:06.910 Hi! I actually have to correct my own little blurb for the conference. He was three months old when I submitted it, but he's actually six now. It turns out that babies get older, right? So I'm here to talk to you all about handling the combination of parenting and programming.
00:00:12.950 I don't know about you, but I find it's really easy to feel that programming can take over your whole life. By the time you've got work to do, trying to contribute to open source, maybe work on your own projects, go to meetups, or attend conferences— even awesome conferences like this one— it all takes a lot of time. And if you have kids, you know that quickly becomes a 24/7 sort of activity.
00:00:21.770 So, this talk is about trying to combine the two. Out of interest, how many people here have kids?
00:00:28.190 Okay, that's most of the room. Anyone here who doesn't have kids but thinks it might happen one day? Okay, yeah, I didn't want to be like, 'Okay, who's planning on having kids?' for fear of your employer going, 'Um... okay.'
00:00:34.040 So, there were a couple of hands there. Now, how many people just thought this might be a laid-back talk for lunch? Yeah, fair enough. Hopefully, it shouldn't be too stressful.
00:00:39.920 So, why talk about parenting and programming? I proposed this talk primarily because when I was a beginning developer, I thought that I would probably have kids one day. However, I couldn't quite imagine how to combine that.
00:00:48.079 Was it possible to work from home while you were taking care of a kid at home? Could you still do the things that I really enjoyed, like contributing to open source and coming to things like this?
00:00:56.030 You can sort of see I like to try and plan ahead a bit. So, I searched online but couldn't find much discussion around it. So, I felt I wanted to add some more discussion around this.
00:01:03.829 I hoped to help out people who might be in the same situation I was in a few years ago. Then I had a child, and I really needed some advice on what I should be doing and what I was doing wrong.
00:01:12.150 So, why me? I'm not an expert. I'm really not qualified to give this talk. I have a six-month-old, and my husband has been on parental leave for six months. As of two weeks ago, I'm now trying to stay at home, look after him, and work on this presentation.
00:01:26.240 So, I quickly learned this is quite a challenge. I'm not an expert, but I know a lot of people who've already been in my shoes.
00:01:36.320 So, what I did was send out a survey and ask programming parents from around the world questions.
00:01:43.610 I got a great selection of responses from all sorts of places and backgrounds in programming life— North America, South America, Europe, Australasia, and from parents whose kids ranged from six weeks to 21 years old.
00:01:50.010 People who develop in Ruby, JavaScript, Objective-C, PHP, Python— employees, business owners, contractors, and the self-employed.
00:01:56.000 So this talk is the collective wisdom of what they shared with me. I've divided this talk into three major sections: the big picture, the overall guiding principles of good ideas and bad ideas, handling the day-to-day stuff, and suggestions on what everyone else could do— and things that companies in the community can do to help support programming parents.
00:02:04.250 Now, the number one thing mentioned by basically everyone is to know your priorities. Some people were a little circumspect about this.
00:02:10.130 You know, I found I couldn't do both to the best of my ability. One of them had to come second. Make a conscious choice about which one it will be. Others were more direct: the best option is to prioritize your child.
00:02:23.180 It really is a decision you have to make yourself. But whichever way you go, the truth is you can only have one top priority. If you think it over and make a conscious choice, you'll feel much more at peace with the decisions that you make.
00:02:31.010 So, be aware of what your priority is: your parenting or your programming. Always ensure that the right one takes precedence.
00:02:37.280 Another important thing is that children age, and this is just a stage of your life. In the future, you may even look back on it as quite a short stage. Things change every day, and what works will change constantly as your children grow.
00:02:48.160 Of course, this also means that the moment you think you've got it figured out, you don't. But they primarily change in a good way.
00:02:56.010 What seems impossible when you have really small children often becomes possible again as they grow. A lot of people cut out open source and community things when their kids were babies and found that, as they got older, especially towards school age, things became much more possible again.
00:03:05.810 It gets easier— it's hard to find time with a one-year-old, easier with a three-year-old, and then even easier again at school.
00:03:12.640 I organize meetups and participate in open source. I was not doing that when the kids were babies. So, relax! You can't have it all, just not all the time.
00:03:20.880 There will be times when you focus on work and open source, attend meetups and conferences. And there will be months, or even years, when you can’t.
00:03:30.399 It's okay. Give yourself permission to not constantly be present in your career.
00:03:36.320 Another major principle is to be kind to yourself and not sacrifice your own happiness for others. Think about the emergency instructions or oxygen masks on airplanes: take care of yourself first, then take care of your kids.
00:03:48.200 Also, try and avoid guilt. I know it’s hard. Someone said that in their first few years as a parent, they frequently felt like they were a bad parent and a bad programmer because they couldn't dedicate enough time to both.
00:03:56.260 Just do what you can with the time available and know that you’re doing the best you can, and that’s okay.
00:04:06.240 You've also got a new normal once you have a child. I think one mistake we make when having babies is expecting we can go back to our old selves right away.
00:04:12.840 Give yourself time to figure out your new setup and how to handle your life now.
00:04:18.310 Of course, your mileage may vary. Take any advice, including all of this, with a grain of salt. Figure out what works for you and ignore the rest.
00:04:24.240 Do whatever works, even if it's unconventional. People have different situations and temperaments, and so do their kids.
00:04:30.260 It’s completely valid to do what you need to get through. Don’t assume whatever works for you will work for everyone else.
00:04:36.020 So, those are the major principles I collected. Now, let’s talk about dealing with the day-to-day.
00:04:43.610 When working from home, there are basically two categories: when you’re in charge of the children and when you aren't.
00:04:50.130 If you're in charge of the children, there’s one piece of advice I got from everyone: don’t. It’s pretty much universal.
00:05:00.600 Someone said, 'I thought I could work and watch the kids at the same time.' Haha, not possible. If you're on kid duty, don't even bother working.
00:05:06.560 I can definitely agree; you just get to the end of the day and think, 'Have I gotten anything done?' You end up stressing about it, and you still have nothing to show for it.
00:05:12.930 It would have been better off to just not try to work at all when you're in charge of kids.
00:05:19.730 Another thing that was discussed a lot was the influence of watching you use technology on children.
00:05:26.560 Programming while taking care of your kids isn't really good since kids do what you do. That means you'd be encouraging them to use a computer, iPad, or TV a lot.
00:05:34.740 They just see that you're on a screen, and they don't understand that you're working, not just having fun.
00:05:40.660 Probably, some of the time, you are just having fun, so there's some validity to that.
00:05:49.800 I don't really like using a computer too much around small kids; it encourages them to think sitting in front of a screen most of the day is good.
00:05:55.490 They should see you being active outdoors or reading. However, sometimes you don’t have a choice.
00:06:01.680 If you must work from home with the kids there, there are some suggestions. If possible, arrange for childcare in any way you can manage.
00:06:09.420 I had to hire part-time help to give me time to actually get anything done.
00:06:17.580 One workable solution in our case was hiring my mom as a live-in nanny or getting babysitters or daycare services.
00:06:24.660 If you have to work and you’re in charge of the kids, try to not be in charge of the kids.
00:06:31.230 Sleep when the kids are sleeping, not when you're sleeping. When the kids are asleep is the best time to shrink your workload.
00:06:39.420 Ultimately, when they’re a bit older and when they’re playing on their own, or of course at school, it gets much easier.
00:06:47.320 I mostly worked while my son was napping, and a lot of the time after he was put to bed.
00:06:54.310 So, I worked something like 8 p.m. to 1 a.m. many days. One thing I found is that when I put my son down for a nap, he could nap for 20 minutes or four hours.
00:07:03.850 It's normally at least an hour, but after that point I’m just waiting for him, thinking, 'I can't start working now because he’ll wake up any minute.'
00:07:09.840 Then I’d be like, 'Okay, well he just slept for four hours, why did I get nothing done?' But in my mind, I hadn’t actually counted on that.
00:07:18.580 So, nighttime is sort of the ideal time to get a lot of work done.
00:07:26.610 However, there is of course a danger in this. It's important to find a good rhythm.
00:07:32.320 I found my sleep hygiene is hugely important to my mood, motivation, and problem-solving ability.
00:07:40.330 Again, back to looking after your own needs first. Don't sacrifice your sleep just to try and get your programming done.
00:07:47.300 If you’re staying up until 4:00 a.m. trying to work and then have to get up at 8:00 to mind the kids, that may work for a day but it’s not sustainable.
00:07:54.460 So, it’s not a good idea.
00:08:04.570 If you're trying to work from home and the kids are there, but you've got someone else looking after them, it's still challenging.
00:08:12.030 A lot of people find it hard to work from co-working spaces. Programming requires you to think deeply and solve problems.
00:08:19.770 Being interrupted or having noise in the background doesn’t work. When they’re young, you’ll hear them crying, or they could come into your office multiple times a day, which can be distracting.
00:08:26.550 So, ideally, many people find they’re better off going somewhere else to work. But of course, it may work for you to work from home.
00:08:37.360 If you are working from home, it’s important to have a dedicated workspace.
00:08:44.980 Find a quiet spot in the house and make it yours. Make it boring and keep it as far away from the things your kids enjoy as you can.
00:08:51.920 The most desired thing in a home office is a door. Have an office with a door that shuts.
00:08:59.500 Train the kids not to open it unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire.
00:09:06.450 It’s important to have boundaries and a good psychological distinction between work and home.
00:09:13.600 This goes for yourself, so you know when you're working and when you're at home. Set strict schedules.
00:09:21.300 Get up early, have breakfast, get dressed in clothes you would wear to an office, and do it all before you start working.
00:09:29.460 Start working when you planned and ensure you have a proper lunch break so your work and home time doesn’t bleed into each other.
00:09:36.360 It's also important to set strong boundaries for your kids so they know how to deal with the situation. Have a solid goodbye routine before you start working.
00:09:43.680 Just like if you were driving off, say your goodbyes, and get your cuddles and kisses before heading into your office.
00:09:50.110 It creates a mental break for the kids between playing and working time. Finally, it’s also so important to have boundaries for other adults.
00:09:56.240 If you have a stay-at-home partner, it's too easy for them to tempt you to do extra things at home when you should be working.
00:10:04.190 I have a story I was told about someone who was working from home out of their living room. They just had a desk there, and their mother-in-law was rather offended when she came to visit.
00:10:12.200 She saw them ignoring her, and it can be quite hard for people to see that you're there but not really available.
00:10:18.780 Multitasking is another thing to be cautious of; basically, don’t.
00:10:27.560 If you're not working, be present with your kids. I noticed if I'm preoccupied with work when I’m playing with my kids, they are needier and more prone to running into my office when they get upset.
00:10:34.600 So, the more quality time I spend with them, the more secure they become knowing I'll be back later.
00:10:43.420 Again, try and have those boundaries between your work and home life even if they occur in the same space.
00:10:51.720 I hope this talk is one where I don’t have to worry if my kid makes noise.
00:11:00.330 Participating in open source has a number of strategies that people use to try and balance their open source contributions.
00:11:07.180 One major strategy is to team up your open source work with your day job, which is a great way of getting contributions without trying to find the time elsewhere in your day.
00:11:14.580 Another is to just keep things small. I usually only make small patches or make sure that when I sit down, I've thought about what I'm going to do beforehand.
00:11:21.490 That way I can just sit down and type it up quickly.
00:11:27.720 The advice some people need to follow is to decide on your own priorities.
00:11:32.250 If open source isn’t a high priority for you, just accept that and move on.
00:11:39.040 Some people avoid doing anything where little people depend on something they’ve written until their kids are older.
00:11:47.010 Others just gave up entirely, because the quick response needed and reliable hacking time just wasn’t possible after having kids.
00:11:56.750 Participating in the community comes down to priorities, and it’s really important to define what's most important to you.
00:12:04.800 Don’t try to change all the meetups or learn about all the things. Just focus on what’s most important.
00:12:10.870 I'm from Christchurch, so I don't have a major problem since we've got one Ruby meetup a month.
00:12:18.450 But I know in a city like Sydney, there can be various related events on many days of the month.
00:12:25.490 Focusing on the ones that are important is essential.
00:12:34.070 Timing for community events can be a big struggle, and often that leads people to drop them because they're not worth the time investment since it distracts from their nighttime routines with kids.
00:12:49.090 So again, don’t bother unless you have to. It’s also valid to want to participate without having to physically go to events.
00:12:56.390 Being remote gives you the built-in group to talk with, and you can also participate via mailing lists or Twitter.
00:13:04.530 You don’t always have to physically go to things to participate in the community.
00:13:11.710 Keeping on top of new things is essential, but don’t feel you have to know everything.
00:13:18.300 It's great if you can incorporate learning into your job; that can help improve your stability as well.
00:13:27.500 Resources people use for keeping up are often familiar to everyone—Twitter, blogs, conferences.
00:13:35.890 One major resource was digest emails like Ruby Weekly and JavaScript Weekly.
00:13:44.000 This way you can get curated lists of topics that are top items without looking at vast amounts of information.
00:13:50.840 It’s also efficient to utilize commute time for learning—reading or listening to podcasts.
00:13:57.970 Just know your priorities, be selective. You can’t keep on top of everything; pick the most important and popular topics to understand.
00:14:06.200 Don’t try to learn something until you have to apply it in a real project. Don’t learn things you don’t need— you don’t have the time.
00:14:15.140 Also remember, you have other things to do in life, so outsource and delegate your tasks.
00:14:21.090 If you can afford it, have someone help with things you don't absolutely have to do, like childcare and cleaning.
00:14:27.910 Keep time for family—make sure your home time is family time.
00:14:35.260 Make some time for yourself too; sleep, exercise, and hobbies are important.
00:14:42.640 Being a happy person makes you a better and more patient parent. Also, make time for your relationship.
00:14:50.670 If you have a partner, prioritize date nights and nurture that relationship.
00:14:56.610 Time management tip number one: don’t be afraid to say no.
00:15:05.920 Extended leave around the time your kids are born varies widely; people take none at all up to four years.
00:15:14.300 It's a very personal decision. Some people found that it worked well, while others didn’t.
00:15:20.310 Some didn’t take any but wished that they had, while others found leaving work to be overwhelming.
00:15:27.460 So if you feel like you want to try it, give it a shot, but be mindful that you may want to return to work later.
00:15:34.750 Minding your mental health as a stay-at-home parent is really important.
00:15:41.660 One person mentioned they sank into severe depression; it's brutally hard.
00:15:48.260 This is the hardest thing I ever did. You can’t do it alone; you will need help.
00:15:55.060 Men are especially bad at asking for help. Look after any full-time dad you know; they may not ask for your help.
00:16:02.550 Count your supports, literally count them; if you could call someone to help with your kids in the evening.
00:16:09.120 If you have fewer than five, you probably need more support.
00:16:15.790 If you start to feel symptoms of mental illness, get help early. It's harder to fix later.
00:16:22.920 So, what can everyone else do to help support programming parents? Why is this topic important?
00:16:30.700 Companies have a responsibility to make the lives of parents easier. Having kids is a conscious decision for most.
00:16:40.310 People usually know that having a kid will come with sacrifices. It’s nice to feel supported.
00:16:48.760 Supporting programming parents is also essential for diversity, which means more than just gender or race.
00:16:58.550 It also includes diversity of experience and the various life situations people face.
00:17:07.470 When we reduce the pool of people who can participate in our community and workforce, we hurt our ability to hire.
00:17:15.860 Ruby companies are always hiring, and we desperately need more programmers.
00:17:21.760 Diversity of ideas also helps develop better software.
00:17:28.740 Supporting programming parents is crucial as parenting is still disproportionately done by women.
00:17:36.600 There has been a huge push in the Ruby community to get more women into programming and supporting programming parents is vital.
00:17:45.250 These are pretty much things that help everyone out in the end, which is good for work/life balance.
00:17:51.460 For example, companies should not push overtime on their employees.
00:17:59.510 Recognize that people have a life outside of work. A family-friendly workplace is critical.
00:18:06.800 It's great when you can drop everything, even at a crucial moment, to be there for your kids.
00:18:14.320 Flexible hours matter a lot; programming doesn’t always need to happen from 9 to 5.
00:18:22.390 Allow flexibility since babies and children don't always follow your schedule.
00:18:30.470 Part-time work was a significant suggestion made. It can help many get back into the workforce.
00:18:40.130 I would love to see more corporate part-time options available.
00:18:46.070 I would like to go back to work part-time now that my son is two and a little more independent.
00:18:54.300 That kind of work is harder to find, particularly in the U.S. where part-time work often doesn’t come with benefits.
00:19:01.140 It’s much easier and more common to have part-time jobs in other regions.
00:19:08.340 Many companies don't allow both parents to work part-time.
00:19:14.610 So, now I work full-time while my husband stays home with the kids.
00:19:22.730 Being at home doesn’t mean less output actually; many often find it hard to stay focused.
00:19:29.500 Take advantage of the flexibility that comes with being a developer.
00:19:37.040 Another suggestion companies can do to support programming parents is making professional development a part of the job.
00:19:44.570 Incorporate learning new stuff as a significant part of your job.
00:19:51.920 In summary, childcare at conferences is a significant need that will help retain employees.
00:19:57.770 My wife's company provides daycare; mine doesn’t, but it’s a fantastic perk.
00:20:04.900 If you have daycare at work, it makes it pretty hard to leave.
00:20:10.720 You’ll need to consider arrangements, and that makes it difficult to leave.
00:20:18.670 Childcare during conferences is important for keeping parents in the workforce.
00:20:27.040 The community can also provide childcare at conferences to help support programming parents.
00:20:35.430 Conferences should provide childcare, and meetups could do the same, especially during the day.
00:20:43.320 Evening events are often when parents are busy putting kids to bed.
00:20:51.600 Having a variety of events at different times during the day would allow for more participation.
00:21:01.800 For those with partners who work, it can be hard to go to community activities.
00:21:11.970 Parents often have to leave early, missing out on networking opportunities.
00:21:19.520 Ask your local community if they’re offering activities accommodating parents.
00:21:27.920 Meetups can sometimes become echo chambers, organizing around those who always attend.
00:21:34.460 If organizing a meetup, be mindful of those who may not attend regularly.
00:21:42.090 Perhaps programming parents should band together to sort out things that work better for them.
00:21:48.589 The current offerings often seem tailored to child-free and wealthier individuals.
00:21:56.230 I’d love to hear ideas and thoughts on what would work best for parents.
00:22:05.520 In summary, make sure you know your priorities. It does get easier.
00:22:11.080 But in the meantime, be kind to yourself and just do what works.
00:22:16.670 Good luck!
00:22:21.100 Does anybody have any questions for Amanda or suggestions for other parents?
00:22:30.200 Just wait for the mic. There you go.
00:22:37.370 Hi, I found it really interesting, and I agree with almost everything you said.
00:22:42.860 One thing you mentioned at the beginning is that you can only have one top priority.
00:22:48.510 I thought that was a bit of an oversimplification. It suggests a kind of binary situation.
00:22:54.230 In practice, it’s more fluid. For instance, if work is busy for two weeks, it might be a priority.
00:23:01.380 On weekends, priorities might shift back to the kids. I find that pattern works.
00:23:07.900 So, it is an interesting point, and can help provide perspective.
00:23:12.780 It's not always simple. You can't just say kids are the priority and ignore everything else.
00:23:21.530 There can be financial implications as well. It's a balancing act.
00:23:28.250 My question relates to the complexities of balancing variables.
00:23:33.680 I find myself trying to solve all problems at once.
00:23:38.360 It's tempting to think that if you work hard, it’ll all resolve.
00:23:43.850 Is there a coding pattern that translates into parenting challenges?
00:23:48.990 It might be more about with the child; they don't follow binary logic.
00:23:54.230 Once they break the pattern, it's hard to remain resolute.
00:24:00.820 Being analytical about it helps. It’s about knowing your top priority.
00:24:06.870 Understanding the flexibility and support systems around it can create balance.
00:24:12.650 What about your thoughts on proper remote work?
00:24:18.350 Companies tend to prefer everyone in the same room.
00:24:24.930 So while some extol the benefits, many companies seem to resist it.
00:24:31.900 I think remote work can be handled well or very poorly.
00:24:36.920 If handled badly, it can be isolating, especially for those balancing parenting.
00:24:45.190 Conscious effort is required to make it work. Each participant needs to be engaged.
00:24:51.310 A company needs to be genuinely interested in making it work.
00:24:58.880 The isolation can be tough, sometimes even counterproductive.
00:25:05.580 So, companies must address this; it’s not just a passive switch.
00:25:13.380 The idea is to enable collaboration while considering challenges of parenthood.
00:25:22.060 If it’s just attached as a work strategy, it might not work effectively.
00:25:29.330 For parents managing kids at home, keeping an open communication seems vital.
00:25:37.220 The approach can foster productivity but ultimately relies on collective effort.
00:25:45.330 Thanks for the insights; these highlights add depth to community discussions.
00:25:54.000 Would love to explore how each evolves individually— over time.
00:26:00.760 Additionally, the perspective of parents in under-resourced roles bears consideration.
00:26:06.500 Deeper engagement should represent all voices and experiences.
00:26:11.250 If all dissenting voices could collaborate better, how might we adjust flexibility?
00:26:17.000 It’ll be important to keep adjusting those touchpoints of community.
00:26:26.170 Thank you, Amanda, for today; it really sparks discussions.
00:26:32.020 Hopefully, we continue to explore these dynamics in future meetups.
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