BDD: Baby Driven Development

by Allison McMillan

In the presentation titled "BDD: Baby Driven Development" by Allison McMillan at RubyConf 2018, the speaker discusses the profound impact that parenthood has on individuals, particularly those in technical fields. McMillan highlights the challenges faced by parents in tech, emphasizing that while parenting can be incredibly rewarding, it is also fraught with difficulties, societal pressures, and feelings of isolation. The talk is grounded in survey data collected from fellow parents within the tech community, revealing common experiences and struggles.

Key points covered include:

- Identity Shift: McMillan shares her personal journey of becoming a mother and the identity changes that accompanied it. She discusses how it affected her work-life balance and mental health.

- Parental Work-Life Struggles: Many parents reported challenges such as prolonged sleep deprivation, difficulty in maintaining professional development, and the struggle to balance childcare with coding responsibilities. McMillan mentions juggling full-time work with childcare responsibilities after unexpected changes, like a sudden loss of childcare.

- Impact on Careers: Insights from surveys indicate that a significant number of women in tech feel that having children has negatively affected their career progression. Contrastingly, most fathers articulated that they either benefitted from or felt neutral about the impact of parenting on their careers.

- Community and Support: The importance of community among parents in tech is emphasized, as shared experiences can foster empathy and support. McMillan suggests creating parenting-focused communication channels to strengthen these connections.

- Workplace Solutions: McMillan proposes several organizational strategies to support parents, such as flexible work hours, improved parental leave policies, and fostering a supportive work environment. These changes are beneficial not only for parents but for the entire team dynamic.

- Eliminating Guilt: McMillan concludes with advice for parents on managing the guilt that often accompanies balancing work and family life while emphasizing the importance of self-care, goal-setting, and sharing mental loads with partners.

Overall, McMillan urges the tech community to recognize and address the unique challenges that parents face, promoting a culture of understanding and support that can lead to a more inclusive and productive work environment.

00:00:15.350 Hi everyone! Just so I don't forget, I do have stickers up here, so feel free to come and grab some at the end.

00:00:23.250 I never expected having a child to change my identity in so many different ways. I love working; I've always loved working. I've always had a job, and I'm not very good at staying at home and relaxing.

00:00:38.160 I've always worn a lot of hats. I work at GitHub as the engineering manager for Atom. If you want to chat more about Atom, please come find me. I'm also on the board of Ruby Together and run a podcast called 'Parent Driven Development' about being a parent in tech.

00:00:49.890 I've also been a community organizer, a mentor, a mentee, a developer, an entrepreneur, a CEO, an amateur baker, a sister, a daughter, and then all of a sudden, I was a mom.

00:01:10.290 Just for some insight into this, I know that I'm not alone. As I was writing this slide, I could hear my toddler screaming at my husband in the room next to me about what he would and would not eat for dinner.

00:01:22.619 That was three years ago! He's adorable; he still is adorable, but he just has more opinions now. This is Devin; he was born in early April 2015. He is now a full-blown toddler, and this is Leyla, his little sister, who is eight months old.

00:01:37.860 You can tell that she's my second from these pictures. There’s a lot of blanket in that one picture, which is a sort of scary move when you have your first child compared to having the second.

00:01:57.750 This was me packing for RubyConf, so I will just unplug the cords because I know that you will get into them. But that face! She's like, 'Even I'm sure that I'm not supposed to be doing this!'

00:02:12.750 Today, I want to talk about the challenges that people who are parents and developers face, as well as what some solutions are and how these solutions can actually help your entire company and the whole team.

00:02:18.310 When Devin was about five months old, I felt like I was losing my mind. He was actually a pretty good sleeper, which I didn't know at the time compared to my second child.

00:02:32.860 But being a parent of young children is often marked by prolonged sleep deprivation. If you're a parent, you know that it sort of ebbs and flows.

00:02:44.010 I had some really challenging work weeks, and I wasn’t sure how to do it all. There's so much societal pressure to be great at everything, and there's a lot less support structure for parents these days.

00:03:01.750 All of these pressures really crush parents. They feel overwhelmed with the question: How do I keep doing all the learning that I should be doing while being a great mom, a great employee, and managing everything else?

00:03:12.760 For example, when my son was around this age, we had his childcare fall through. For six weeks, I was taking care of him full-time while also working full-time.

00:03:36.340 Now, some folks have babies who like to sleep during the day. They take multi-hour naps and take several of them during the day. Those are not my babies!

00:03:49.890 Devin slept for about 26 minutes at a time, and Leyla slept for about 28 minutes, so it was a two-minute improvement! But they're not the multi-hour sleepers.

00:04:02.110 I was just thinking: How do other parents do it? Was I being unrealistic? Was I being lazy? Could I even be a good mom and a good developer?

00:04:14.380 To be really honest, there have been many times in the last four years where I thought that even though I love tech and love coding, I wasn't sure if I could actually remain in the field full-time and be a successful mom and developer.

00:04:27.380 I've thought about leaving tech more than once and just going back to some of the jobs that I know that I can do on autopilot.

00:04:40.700 You see the cute pictures of parent life and kids on Facebook or Instagram, but it’s really not always like that. In the early days, it definitely was not like that for me.

00:04:53.060 It was hard, tiring, frustrating, but also amazing and all-encompassing. It’s really lonely.

00:05:05.450 When I was experiencing this, I created a survey to ask parents a few questions about these issues. I’ve surveyed a few hundred parents so far.

00:05:17.840 Actually, my favorite part is that I’ve given this talk once or twice before, and each time I present it, I can recompile all the data, which is really interesting.

00:05:31.250 From reading surveys for moms and dads, I found that there are real trends and common issues. In March 2016, Stack Overflow did a developer survey.

00:05:43.940 One piece of information that stood out to me was the age distribution of women programmers. If you look at the distribution, you see that the numbers dip dramatically when women are in their 30s.

00:06:02.210 These days, women are waiting longer to have children; most are having children in their 30s. While I can only extrapolate from this data, it seems that one reason women leave tech in their 30s is because they're having children.

00:06:18.680 The industry's demands aren't supportive of them. Another survey from 2016 asked specifically about folks who had completed boot camps.

00:06:31.350 There were 16,000 responses, of which only 11 were mothers and 48 were fathers. I think that this is getting better, but if boot camps are a primary way that folks enter the industry post-university, we are already counting a lot of people out by not offering programs that parents can participate in.

00:06:47.680 Going back to the survey that I conducted, I found the same issues mentioned repeatedly. In an industry that values open-source contribution, GitHub as your resume, and keeping up with the most recent programming developments, parents are struggling to keep up.

00:07:03.020 Now, I'm going to take a second to describe my typical day. Devin wakes up at around 7:00 AM, and Leyla wakes up around 7:30, which is amazing.

00:07:14.330 A lot of parents' days start closer to 5:30. I see lots of jealous looks in the audience!

00:07:20.180 By 8:00 AM, we're getting moving: I get everyone dressed, brush teeth, and make breakfast. You can judge as much as you want; I’m not a morning person.

00:07:37.970 Yes, my son very often eats breakfast in the car. We get everyone and everything in the car by 8:25 or 8:35 AM.

00:07:50.150 Then, we drop off Leyla at baby school, which involves getting Devin out of the car and back into the car. By 9:00 AM, I drop Devin off at preschool and by 9:25 AM, I'm back home.

00:08:07.310 I usually pump breast milk while making coffee, eating breakfast, and checking my email. Then, I jump into the workday, punctuated by a few more breast milk pumping breaks until 5:10 PM.

00:08:25.310 At 5:10 PM, I race out the door to pick up Leyla from baby school, then get to preschool to get Devin, which normally involves getting in and out of the car.

00:08:37.860 We try to get home by 6:15 PM. From 6:15 to 7:15 PM, my husband and I do dinner for both kids, and sometimes we get a chance to cook our dinner or prepare for upcoming days.

00:09:05.550 We clean up dinner, and then it’s bath time and bedtime. I say 'bedtime' in very quotation marks because with two children, it happens much less frequently.

00:09:19.170 From 7:45 to 9:00 PM, we're usually finishing dinner, cleaning up, preparing food and bottles for the next day, jotting down any notes for our childcare providers, and discussing household business.

00:09:38.240 We make sure we're on the same page for the next day and then we have a chance to relax while checking some emails or doing a few final tasks for about 30 minutes.

00:09:55.030 Finally, we head to bed. It's very exciting! We have it pretty good, even with two kids.

00:10:06.990 Fortunately, I will start getting some of my daytime back as I pump less. Reducing the number of times I pump each day feels amazing. It gives me more time to concentrate without the pressure of managing those interruptions.

00:10:25.800 I mention this tangent because pumping breast milk was a significant topic in over half of the surveys I received from mothers about company provisions and the challenges they face.

00:10:39.240 The only time during the day that I could manage to do any coding for myself would be those 30 minutes when I could relax. But even if I sacrificed that self-care time, my brain was so tired by then that I really wouldn’t be very productive.

00:10:51.090 If you think about it, if you don’t have a great GitHub profile, and you don’t have side projects, you can't show potential employers the code you've worked on.

00:11:03.540 When you look for a new job, this leaves you depending on your code challenge takes additional focus and time outside of your workday to complete.

00:11:17.670 Often, this means that anyone looking for a new position has to spend a whole weekend working on just a couple of code challenges, which requires relying on a partner or spouse to handle all of the childcare.

00:11:31.960 Also, not getting to spend any time with your kids. This might not seem like a big deal, but when you're already working full-time, it really is.

00:11:44.340 This is of course even more challenging if you're a single parent. If you're a single parent, then you're probably paying for weekend childcare in order to complete these tasks.

00:11:59.350 I imagine that most parents have schedules like this, if not worse, and the schedules only get busier as the number of kids increases.

00:12:10.720 Last time I gave this talk, I only had one child. I was refreshing this talk and reading over that daily schedule that I had when I just had Devin. I was like, 'That was so relaxing!'.

00:12:27.700 The other issue that I saw frequently was related to community. Our community, especially in the Ruby community, is vital for networking and finding jobs.

00:12:43.890 I love going to meetups, but it’s really hard for me to do this. If I go to a meetup, it means my husband has to do everything solo, which with two children who need to go to bed at the same time is really tricky.

00:12:56.560 My husband and I have decided that we each get one evening a week to do whatever we like, while the other person handles bedtime and prep.

00:13:10.710 But it definitely takes a toll. It takes twice as long to do everything when you're doing it alone. We spend a lot more time the previous evening ensuring that the other person is really set up for success.

00:13:23.670 A mother mentioned on a survey that she was not able to go to conferences and events without it being a huge cost of family time or material cost of babysitters required.

00:13:40.640 The second biggest issue is being able to stay sharp. Developers live off of coffee! We talk a lot about coffee. If you're a nursing mom, you're probably getting significantly less sleep.

00:13:54.880 You just can't have as much coffee during the day. A recent study from Ellet Baby Care found that over 40% of parents with babies ages 0 to 6 months only get one to three uninterrupted hours of sleep per night.

00:14:10.170 That's a lot of time to get just one, two, or three uninterrupted hours of sleep a night! Regardless of whether you're a mother or father, you need to stay sharp through lack of sleep.

00:14:27.720 You need a clear mind to solve problems. On an especially good night, maybe you'll get six uninterrupted hours of sleep, which feels amazing!

00:14:42.930 But when you're sitting much less than that, you're often getting five hours of interrupted sleep for a week or longer. Sleep progresses as things ebb and flow, and you don't get the weekend to catch up and recharge.

00:14:58.160 A parent wrote that sometimes the last thing they want to do or even have time to do when they get home is to code or learn new coding skills.

00:15:14.590 Those days of no responsibility and doing whatever I like when I get home are pretty much over. Finding a couple of hours to work on a personal project or pick up something new is hard.

00:15:30.130 Especially when trying to help out my partner, who is also tired. The last issue is related to schedules and flexibility.

00:15:46.400 This is really interesting because it was stated in two completely different ways for mothers and fathers. Fathers mentioned that schedules and flexibility were particularly difficult because they felt like as soon as they got used to something, the schedule would change.

00:15:56.990 Mothers spoke more about work hours. They said having flexible work hours during the day was great, but the issue that frequently came up was that they still faced hard start and stop times to their day based around childcare and school hours.

00:16:12.190 One parent said to think of your brain like a snow globe. After your years on earth, you've figured out your best work patterns and what's important to you.

00:16:28.220 Then, this little person comes along, shakes it all up, and everything falls into different spots—not better or worse; just different.

00:16:44.790 Another parent expressed that before having a baby, if their workday was interrupted, they would get a solid amount of work done from post-3 or 4 PM.

00:17:00.060 After having a baby, they no longer have that option and have to deal with extra traffic. One parent said it can be so frustrating to have to go home at 5:30, no matter how in the zone you are.

00:17:14.520 When I asked if having children helped or hurt their careers, only a small portion of fathers said it hurt them. They felt that it either helped or had a neutral impact.

00:17:32.470 Dad said it helped him a ton with empathy and patience, which has positive impacts on his clients, coworkers, and others he interacts with daily.

00:17:45.650 About 60% of women said that having children hurt their careers, but an even larger number said that it didn't hurt, but they felt their careers changed. When they dove into how their careers changed, they noted that it slowed their career, impacting their trajectory and growth potential.

00:18:00.390 This, I think, is actually hurting women's careers.

00:18:17.450 This is the total breakdown of parents based on whether they felt having a child helped, hurt, had no impact, or both helped and hurt their careers.

00:18:35.890 Here are those same choices broken down for moms and dads. As you can see, the total picture for moms and dads seems to be even, except for that small sliver.

00:18:50.910 However, when you break it down for mothers and fathers, it tells a much different story. This data is backed up by additional research.

00:19:07.940 This 2018 study on children and gender equality in Denmark shows these results based on gender and earnings in Denmark, which we consider to be much closer to the gold standard of supporting parents.

00:19:18.030 Both men and women reported that having children definitely helped them stay more focused at work because they're aware of the finite amount of time they have to accomplish tasks.

00:19:32.350 They want to make the most of their workday. One parent remarked that knowing taking work home isn’t an option motivates them to be more productive during the workday.

00:19:47.740 They stated that they're able to be more focused during the parts of their lives dedicated to work—both professional and creative.

00:20:01.940 Personally, many parents expressed that they didn't feel like they had less time for the things that matter; they just literally have no time to waste.

00:20:19.440 Some other interesting findings emerged from the survey. Three-quarters of fathers said it was fine to use their names, but over half of mothers wished to remain anonymous.

00:20:35.650 In many cases, survey respondents mentioned that either their spouses took significant time off work, which I define as six months or more after the birth of each child.

00:20:48.940 Those who took time off often as senior-level technologists did not express great concern about the difficulty of re-entering the workforce.

00:21:07.590 I think that this is definitely a luxury and privilege—not everyone is afforded this opportunity.

00:21:24.920 From the surveys I've received, over fifty percent of parents are single-income families, meaning that one parent stays at home.

00:21:36.900 For those who became the sole provider, they shared that it added extra stress and pressure. While there are lots of challenges that parents face, there are also many solutions.

00:22:01.950 Looking at these surveys, I identified solutions that companies can implement—solutions that colleagues, with or without children, can engage in.

00:22:17.860 These solutions will benefit the entire team. Let's start with some of the company-oriented solutions first: parental leave.

00:22:38.440 Let’s talk about parental leave in America, specifically maternity leave. Our country has atrocious maternity leave policies—essentially, nothing.

00:22:53.480 We are one of the only countries in the world that does not offer any sort of paid maternity leave. Paid maternity leave is incredibly important.

00:23:08.540 Not only does a woman need time to heal, but giving birth takes a tremendous toll on mental and emotional well-being.

00:23:19.890 The prospect of returning to work before a mother is ready can lead to postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, and numerous negative health consequences for both mom and baby.

00:23:32.220 Most companies think that four weeks of paid leave is standard and fair, but most women are barely back on their feet after four weeks.

00:23:46.310 That’s only if the birth is completely uncomplicated. Not to mention that babies aren’t and shouldn’t really be sleeping through the night at that point.

00:24:02.460 Breastfeeding is also not usually well-established by that time. Most folks think breastfeeding just happens naturally, but it’s often a significant struggle.

00:24:20.830 It's a secret that many mothers discover; everyone else knows how it really is once they've gone through that struggle.

00:24:36.330 Mothers are often advised to wait until four weeks old to introduce a bottle, but what are your options if you're expected back at work by then?

00:24:50.300 Paternity leave is another aspect to consider. Most men get only two weeks of paternity leave, and that’s if they’re lucky.

00:25:03.970 I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be if my husband had to go back to work after just two weeks. I really hadn't even changed a diaper by that point.

00:25:17.400 A parent once commented that when it comes to parenting, think about the ten-year scale: we expect people to take eight weeks of leave, but for those who wanted twelve or sixteen, that’s often dismissed.

00:25:30.700 Ten years from now, is it going to make a difference if they took eight or twelve weeks? No! But if we push them to come back before they’re ready, they might quit a few months down the road.

00:25:47.550 That has huge consequences. But most workplaces don't provide any additional support for parents transitioning back to work.

00:26:02.320 Companies do their employees a disservice and often create resentment among employees by maintaining insufficient parental leave policies.

00:26:13.700 I encourage you to think critically about your company's policy and help them understand the consequences of having an employee back at work who doesn't want to be there.

00:26:29.890 This person lacks the mental readiness to contribute versus providing time off so they come back ready and excited to work.

00:26:43.600 Talk to parents on staff about how much time they could have used and what resources or processes they would have found helpful when returning.

00:26:57.430 Secondly, allow work-from-home, remote, or unconventional work options. Even once a parent is ready to return, offering different working options can greatly improve happiness levels.

00:27:15.920 For women who are pumping, being able to work from home makes an enormous difference.

00:27:28.720 At home, I can pump in as little as 22 minutes because I have everything set up and ready to go. In the office, it takes me 32 to 34 minutes to pump.

00:27:44.580 That might not seem significant, but three times a day, that’s an additional 30 to 45 minutes that I can't work because I'm commuting to find a room.

00:27:59.910 I want to mention that over half of mothers surveyed suggested issues or difficulties around pumping at work.

00:28:14.400 If mothers at your company are pumping in the bathroom, it's time to seriously reconsider how you prioritize mothers in the workforce.

00:28:29.930 Working from home also alleviates the stress of commuting, providing parents, regardless of how old their kids are, with more flexibility and more time with those who matter.

00:28:45.060 Moreover, the idea of getting everyone out of the house on time with everything they need for the day is really stressful. I literally have a checklist on the door that says, 'It's to leave the house list!'

00:29:00.600 If you can remove even one person's stress, it takes a little bit off my plate.

00:29:15.230 Another option is to offer a part-time transition back to work. This is a common suggestion that many parents appreciate.

00:29:35.790 Companies can implement different arrangements allowing for a gradual transition back to work for as long as possible.

00:29:52.620 I touched on this briefly when mentioning parental leave, but taking a more proactive role in creating support systems can also be very helpful.

00:30:10.170 A simple example might be including a parenting Slack channel where parents can share experiences, issues, or pictures of their kids.

00:30:25.180 A more involved option might be to connect parents returning to work with those who took parental leave in the past, providing a safe space for open discussion.

00:30:41.800 Lastly, train managers on what to expect when someone who has been on parental leave comes back to work. This is important for both moms and dads.

00:30:54.950 But for moms in particular, managers in tech may have never had a mother go on maternity leave who was part of their team before.

00:31:09.830 They may have no idea what challenges a woman might face, what questions might help or hurt during the transition back to work, and how best to support them.

00:31:23.440 I repeatedly saw quotes indicating that my boss was a significant part of my success as a new parent.

00:31:38.460 Additionally, create realistic expectations for parents returning to work. If your company operates off of KPIs or goal settings, recognize that these goals should be revisited.

00:31:55.820 Set new goals; they will probably not be as ambitious as they were before.

00:32:07.590 If you're a manager, encourage realistic goal setting, and if you're an employee, recognize that your whole life has changed.

00:32:18.790 Give yourself a couple of quarters to adjust to your new normal. You'll get a better sense of what effective goal setting and realistic expectations look like for you.

00:32:35.390 One mother mentioned that parents need different things at different times in their kids' lives. Now I need the holidays; before my kids were in school, that didn’t matter as much.

00:32:50.400 Companies can also do symbolic things to show they welcome parents, such as offering pre-tax childcare savings accounts or providing a mother's room with a comfy chair, power, and a mini-fridge.

00:33:02.460 Even if you don't have children or most of your team is childless, it’s important not to make parents feel weird. Talk about nursing, pumping, or kid stuff in whatever way feels comfortable.

00:33:16.620 One of the first things I did when I was back in the office after having my first child was create an emoji for the times I was away from my computer because I was pumping.

00:33:32.020 This helped me feel more open and honest about what was going on, without making my coworkers feel awkward about it.

00:33:46.210 After my second baby, I simply put my pumping times directly on my calendar, so folks would know not to schedule meetings during those times.

00:34:03.180 At a previous company, we had periodic gatherings for the engineering team, which included lightning talks. I did two while I was pregnant about what it was like to be pregnant, and afterward, I talked about the science of breast milk and pumping.

00:34:18.060 It was fascinating, and my team asked great questions! I truly believe that this created a lot of empathy among my colleagues for what mothers go through.

00:34:35.570 I also hoped that exposing them to this terminology and these experiences would increase their understanding and empathy for any parents they work with in the future.

00:34:46.200 You could also have a real talk conversation with your colleagues. This is a much scarier option; I generally don’t recommend it unless you know your team well.

00:34:58.600 However, I did this a couple of times, just to explain what was going on and encourage empathy. I was terrified going in, but it ended up being less about me and more about how we could all improve as a team.

00:35:12.500 So those are some examples of parental leave, creative working options, support systems, realistic expectations, and normalizing something as a team and company culture.

00:35:30.680 When you discuss and implement these things, it benefits everyone! Open acceptance of diversity and intentional support around the uniqueness of a teammate’s life creates a strong team atmosphere.

00:35:47.080 As managers and company employees are trained to establish and seek out support systems or create realistic expectations, anyone dealing with hardship or life adjustments will feel supported.

00:36:00.460 Once you create these systems and benefits, it's much easier to recognize how similar accommodations can be made for others, enabling all teams to thrive.

00:36:17.060 Support systems can help individuals avoid burnout, and normalizing being open about struggles makes it more likely that someone experiencing burnout will recognize it and speak up earlier.

00:36:34.630 Realistic expectations encourage teams to develop better guidelines around work and promotions, which often help underrepresented minorities succeed.

00:36:49.090 Creative working options also help companies attract the best talent, regardless of where they reside. As parents in the room, we can also enact some changes.

00:37:07.410 First, you have to eliminate the guilt that comes with being a parent! It's easier said than done.

00:37:21.050 There are pictures of two Halloween costumes I made for Devin when he was six months old on the left. There have been lots of homemade costumes since then.

00:37:38.610 On the right are the costumes that I frantically finished sewing about eight hours before I flew to Malaysia to speak at RubyConf.

00:37:52.920 I do this because it's a symbol to my kids that they were so important to me. They will look back at these pictures and know that.

00:38:07.520 That's insane, right? That’s a crazy statement, but lots of working parents feel this way. We feel guilty when we order takeout too often.

00:38:21.020 We feel guilty when we miss special activities. But we need to recognize that working and doing something we love is just as important for us.

00:38:35.350 One mother said she thought she was being a bad mother and a bad developer because she didn’t make everything perfect. Balancing a career, children, a relationship, and time for self-care is incredibly difficult.

00:38:51.570 I’ve always been a list-maker, but having kids took my organizational skills to a new level. As a parent, you may feel bad about what you choose to prioritize—maybe your career for one week and your family the next.

00:39:08.600 It's all a balancing act. One parent said that getting everything organized like taking kids to daycare, shopping, household tasks, family time, relationship time, and social life all suffer, but none should be neglected.

00:39:25.340 Thirdly, schedule self-care days. I think Devin was a little over a year when I took my first random day off.

00:39:40.840 That was a day where he was in childcare, my husband was at work, and I didn’t fill my entire day with work or household tasks.

00:39:54.400 At the end of it, I felt really refreshed. Weekends don’t provide the recharge they used to, and vacations aren’t really vacations after you have children.

00:40:09.950 So, it’s vital not to skip these days off and to take at least one every couple of months to recharge. I always find that I’m a better mom, wife, and teammate after doing this.

00:40:25.530 One mom shared some advice she heard at a conference about balance. She reassured that those other women who appear to successfully balance motherhood with their careers likely feel like they’re failing 90% of the time.

00:40:42.240 None of us have it figured out. We must optimize the time we do have available.

00:40:57.190 As I mentioned before, numerous surveys talked about being aware of the limited time they had to work.

00:41:13.330 So, ensure that you're making the most of those working hours. Set goals and figure out how to maximize every moment you have to advance those goals.

00:41:30.030 We can only make improvements if we come together. It wasn't until I felt like I was breaking under the pressure that I reached out to other mothers in tech.

00:41:48.270 After reaching out, I discovered that many people were experiencing the same struggles I faced. I found excellent communities of parents in tech, and it's made a huge difference!

00:42:07.300 Being able to speak with one another, share challenges, solutions, and suggestions is invaluable—similar to having a support group after having a newborn.

00:42:20.390 Supporting one another as parents in tech makes us stronger and better, giving us a united voice looking to create change.

00:42:33.550 Finally, share that mental load. I want to address this particularly for moms because mothers are disproportionately affected by the weight of that mental load.

00:42:46.440 In a 2015 Pew Research Center study, they surveyed about 1,800 parents in households where both parents are working.

00:43:02.510 They asked who manages the children's schedules and activities, and who takes care of the kids when they're sick. Let's say you have a partner who is great and very helpful, which can be a big assumption.

00:43:17.830 Suppose you feel like you've got a decent split of the workload—sharing pickups and drop-offs, who stays home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. But what about all the mental logistical work?

00:43:32.390 Who thinks about what the kids are going to eat for lunch? Who schedules doctor’s appointments? Who knows what days school will be closed in advance?

00:43:49.290 Who keeps track of developmental milestones for your children? Who buys birthday presents for parties, helps with homework, and plans and packs for family trips?

00:44:04.690 If you’re already splitting this load, I applaud you! But for many families, that isn’t the case.

00:44:19.010 There is a useful website I’ll link to later that contains worksheets to help initiate this conversation.

00:44:34.150 One example of what I’ve begun doing is putting a checklist on our front door about what everyone needs to leave the house by morning.

00:44:51.430 I recognized that I had taken on the mental burden of ensuring everyone was ready in the morning, even on days when my husband was doing drop-off.

00:45:07.050 With that checklist on the door, we can both make sure everyone has what they need without me bearing that responsibility alone.

00:45:19.930 This is still a work in progress. When I travel to conferences, I've recently stopped making sure there was enough food to last my family until I return.

00:45:35.890 I’ve also addressed specific tasks I have completely abdicated responsibility for and do not even think about—they're my husband’s.

00:45:50.390 As you add more children into the mix, the mental load can be overwhelming, so share it! It can and should be shared.

00:46:06.220 Finally, if you need to leave your company, leave your company. One parent wrote that your kids are more important than your career.

00:46:23.120 Say it every day, write it down, until it's ingrained in your brain so deeply that you don’t even need to think about it.

00:46:36.150 Nobody lies on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time on their career instead of with their children. Listen to this advice!

00:46:55.450 If you treat your parents well, they won’t leave. You'll have a dedicated workforce because nothing is more important to parents than a company that treats them well.

00:47:09.320 Most survey respondents who felt their companies cared about their family life said they wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. Those who experienced challenges at their company when they had children had already left.

00:47:24.720 Ultimately, if your company doesn’t understand the lifestyle of you as a parent, and doesn't allow you to be with your children, then do what you must.

00:47:36.270 This advice recurred frequently in surveys. Granted, it is much easier for senior developers with more flexibility.

00:47:46.140 As parents, let go of parent guilt, get organized, schedule self-care days, optimize your time, find a community, share that mental load, and if necessary, leave.

00:48:01.680 For your teams, remember that just existing as a parent on your team makes your team better. You're organized, you set boundaries, and you likely have some work-life balance.

00:48:14.070 Being this role model helps everyone, even if they don’t realize it. Recently, my team held an off-site, and I brought my family.

00:48:27.220 Each day ended around 5:00 PM, and we didn’t meet for dinner until around 7:00 or so.

00:48:36.520 In our retrospective, my teammates mentioned that they loved the schedule, even though they didn’t know I created it to balance my family time.

00:48:50.460 When I explained the rationale, they saw it as beneficial for me and my family but also appreciated the chance to recharge before evening activities.

00:49:00.950 Finally, let’s talk about what colleagues can do. Colleagues, with or without children, have significant power in creating supportive workplaces.

00:49:10.960 First, ask about leave policies. How many people here know their company’s maternity or paternity leave policy?

00:49:26.160 That’s about half of you! Don’t let it only be a concern for those with children or considering starting families.

00:49:42.810 If more people are asking, it’s a sign to companies that they realize the importance of having progressive leave policies.

00:49:57.190 Second, inquire about lactation rooms. I once attended a conference where I needed to pump. I asked the front desk if there was a private space available.

00:50:15.360 The response was that I could use a supply closet! Fortunately, a nearby security guard stepped in, saying his wife goes through the same thing.

00:50:28.890 He helped find me an empty office—which is what mothers returning to work deserve. If your company is moving to a new space, push for appropriate accommodations for mothers.

00:50:44.130 Third, be friendly. This may seem simple, but for those coming back from parental leave, it can be emotional.

00:51:00.470 Just checking in to show that they’re appreciated and supported at work can mean a lot.

00:51:16.170 Fourth, make your voice heard. If someone schedules a late meeting, notice the parent who looks anxious at the end of the day.

00:51:31.950 See someone criticizing a parent for needing time to pick up their child or take them to a doctor? Survey responses shared that parents feel guilty for those moments.

00:51:47.260 So, if you witness a parent in that situation, speak up! Recognizing everyone’s schedule is crucial.

00:52:00.470 If someone uses a concept you don't understand, Google it! Many of us enjoy learning new things.

00:52:14.590 If you're unsure what pumping is, or what childcare costs are, or if you've never heard of sleep regression, take a few minutes to understand.

00:52:30.830 These are ways to support parents on your team while also enhancing team strength.

00:52:45.210 This advice boils down to increasing empathy, curiosity, and interest in your colleagues’ lives and the desire to understand one another.

00:52:58.690 When these factors are incorporated into a team’s DNA, it leads to stronger, more effective teams able to support and understand one another.

00:53:14.440 You might ask about lactation rooms or questions about leave policies that specifically support parents on your team.

00:53:30.930 But as you learn, you also recognize a broader need for supports and accommodations in other scenarios.

00:53:44.830 Teams that are strong in understanding and making these accommodations attract and retain diverse talent.

00:53:58.370 There are also great new resources emerging. Some suggestions include the website Fairy God Boss, which is an older GitHub repository compiling leave policies.

00:54:15.000 I’ve also posted additional resources on my blog.

00:54:31.050 One piece of advice I received in the surveys is that you will never have this time with your children back, so value and prioritize it!

00:54:46.370 There are some days when I really feel unsure about my ability to be both a successful mom and in tech. Some days I can give 100% to both.

00:55:05.530 Other days, I feel like I’m letting either my family or my job down. There are moments when I wish to play with my kids a little longer.

00:55:19.090 Alternatively, I feel pressured to keep my head down for a few more hours to genuinely resolve a problem or fully grasp a concept.

00:55:32.910 Often, I find myself implementing development strategies for effective parenting or vice versa. I believe this makes me a better manager.

00:55:50.830 It also provides me with experiences and strategies that I can apply to various situations.

00:56:06.570 What I learned through dialogues with people and surveys is that the struggles I’m experiencing are not unique.

00:56:22.290 It’s essential for all of us as a community—developers, colleagues, peers, and managers—to talk about these issues.

00:56:37.050 Initially, I thought my challenges were exclusive to me, but they’re not; many others share similar hurdles.

00:56:53.720 Let’s work together to improve these situations, because they are indeed solvable.

00:57:07.160 As parents, whether you are a parent yourself or your team includes parents, remember that just existing as a parent makes your team stronger.

00:57:23.830 Momently, you're organized, you're setting boundaries, and establishing a work-life balance. Being a role model helps everyone, whether they ascertain it or not.

00:57:37.520 I appreciate you all for taking time to listen. Thank you so much! If you have questions, feel free to come chat with me right now or anytime during the conference.