Talks
Difficult Conversations
Difficult Conversations by Adam Cuppy
It’s never easy to have a tough conversations, and they never go away. Therefore, I see a better way to live with them, and I want everyone to hear it: empower yourself to understand why we do what we do so you can effect change. Understanding creates empathy. Empathy reduces (not eliminates) conflict. This talk is a practical course on the triad of human psychology: language, physiology and focus. I’ll walk through simple strategies that lower stress, create empathy and manage emotions.
GoRuCo 2017
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You all are excited to be here more than I thought you would be. Wow, okay, well, very good.
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It is my pleasure to be here.
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I am Adam. You can find me on the internet.
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Oh wait, hold on, so you can't find me just yet, but now you can.
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You can find me on Twitter. Please feel free to tweet at me or post whatever.
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I don't post a lot of things that have real relevance or meaning to anyone but me, so if you're going to follow me expecting lots of insightful tweets after this talk, you won't find them.
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But in the meantime, you can definitely find me there.
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I work for a company called Zeile, which is a web and mobile applications consultancy.
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If you can tell from the name, we focus a lot on the energy of things, and that's sort of what this talk is about.
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It's not just about positive energy or positive thinking; it's about difficult conversations.
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More specifically, this talk is a practical guide on human psychology.
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I’m highlighting the practical part here because if something can't practically be put into use, it’s very hard to create any meaning in your life.
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I discovered that I have a big, extroverted personality, but that can be really intimidating to some people.
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This realization hurt quite a bit because I knew there were people who wanted to talk to me but didn’t feel comfortable.
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As an employer, I had team members who didn't feel comfortable approaching me.
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I had to take a reflective stance and realized that there were things I was doing that weren't helping the situation.
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But there were also simple things those team members could do to help me understand what was going on for them.
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This talk, again, focuses on human psychology.
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After doing research and implementing practices for myself, I've also helped others in my life.
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Not just on our team but in my own personal life to improve communication.
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We're going to start with the concept of state.
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Now, I'm not talking about the object-oriented side of state; I'm talking about state of mind.
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Specifically, the things that empower us start from our state of mind.
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This can be categorized into three areas, and we’ll start with physiology.
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I want you to take a moment, put yourself in a semi-neutral position in your chair, and close your eyes.
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Breathe in and out simply and easily. Don't worry, nobody’s judging you but me, because I'm the only one who can see you.
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Now, I want you to visualize, with your eyes closed, a time when you had to confront someone or were confronted.
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Picture yourself in that uncomfortable situation.
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With every breath you take in, breathe that moment more and more into your body.
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With every breath out, let go of the room and this very moment.
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Think about what you are visualizing and analyze your body: go toe to toe, your head.
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Where do you feel it? Do you feel it in your toes, your knees, your gut, your heart, your head?
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Physiology can change everything.
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Now open your eyes. Raise your hand if you identified a spot in your body where you felt the confrontation or anxiety.
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It was easy, relatively palpable, right? Now raise your hand if you did not.
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The next quality we're going to discuss is language, specifically the language we use and the story we tell ourselves.
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Think back and reflect on the language you were using in that moment: what were you telling yourself?
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Were you saying, 'I'm weak, and this individual is going to beat me down,' or were you thinking, 'I'm going to kick some ass!'?
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The language we use defines the story we tell ourselves.
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And the story defines the belief systems we carry into a given situation.
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The beautiful thing is that we control all of this.
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The last element of state is focus.
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What we choose to focus on drives and empowers us forward, helping us manage difficult situations.
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These three items—physiology, language, and focus—set our mental state.
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In reality, your physical state is often most influenced by your physical change.
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We notice this in human psychology; for example, having someone looming or standing over you alters your state of mind.
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How many of you felt bullied when you were under 18?
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Most often, those situations arise from physical differences, as many bullies tend to be larger than their targets, especially during middle school.
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This physical difference coupled with derogatory language creates a very tough situation.
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The ultimate driver we often neglect is connection.
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When it comes to human communication, our goal is to connect with others.
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The saddest part about the realization for me was that I was losing that connection with those I deeply cared about.
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This is crucial, especially in conversations.
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If you've been part of my talks before, you might recall my reference to the six human needs defined by Tony Robbins.
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These needs drive all of our actions toward fulfillment: certainty, uncertainty, significance, love, and connection.
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Certainty is the need to know things, like the taxi will arrive or we will get our paycheck.
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Uncertainty is its inverse but just as essential; it can be the thrill of a risky adventure such as skydiving.
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Then we have significance, feeling that we matter to others, that we make an impact.
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Finally, love and connection, which is what I struggled with losing.
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Many people, when asked what drives them most in daily life, respond with certainty and significance.
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But they often desire growth and contribution more.
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When you're driven by these two, you are more prone to help others.
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Remember, everyone here is trying to fulfill these six needs.
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Even the most challenging individuals are working towards the top four.
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Now, let's move to something that can be controversial: mirror neurons.
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Mirror neurons are fascinating; they fire when a person acts and when an observer feels the same action.
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They are also known as the empathy neurons.
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Studies suggest that these neurons help us understand the intentions of others.
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One study indicated that they discern whether a person is picking up a cup of tea or planning to drink it.
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This is based on context; action perception is rooted in pattern recognition.
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So I want you to find a partner. Everyone stand up.
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Determine who will be partner A and partner B.
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Person A, I want you to completely detach; become a blank slate.
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Person B, I want you to look deep into person A’s eyes.
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Person A, remember to maintain neutrality.
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Person B, I want you to smile softly at person A.
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Now, person A, you may stop smiling.
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Switch roles.
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Now, person A, look deeply into person B's eyes and smile gently.
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You’ve got five more seconds.
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Alright, very good. Give yourself a hand.
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Now raise your hand if you were able to maintain a straight face.
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Look around; only a small percentage succeeded.
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This speaks to our inherent human nature to connect with others.
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When we witness emotions, our bodies and brains respond.
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Remember that empathy is the currency of connection.
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The more we empathize, the stronger our connections become.
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Now let's talk about navigating difficult conversations.
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My feelings are based on my perceptions.
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In neuro-linguistic programming, there's a concept known as anchoring.
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Consider how certain images or experiences might evoke strong emotions.
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We often let previous experiences create anchors that impact our current perceptions.
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This is particularly true during highly emotional situations.
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For instance, physical touch during a time of grief can trigger emotional responses.
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You may never know what anchors exist for others, so it's vital to approach conversations thoughtfully.
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Preparation is essential, focusing on physiology, language, and focus.
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If you're not in the right mental state for a conversation, outcomes can vary.
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Let’s talk about breathing, as it's the starting point for re-centering your state.
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Take a moment to sit in a neutral position and practice a simple breathing exercise.
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Breathe in for a count of five, hold for twenty, and then exhale for ten.
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Practicing this five times can significantly change your physiological state.
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Map your assumptions and fears prior to a conversation.
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Understanding your assumptions will prevent misconceptions.
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Make a list of what you're afraid might happen during the conversation.
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Identify what you want to learn about the other person's perspective.
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This will shift your focus from personal needs to understanding and connecting.
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Remember, understanding does not equal acceptance.
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Know your outcome for the conversation; this will give you clarity.
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Now you've prepared. It's time to breathe again before diving into the conversation.
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Making the environment safe is essential.
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Assess what makes the other person feel safe.
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It’s okay to acknowledge if at any point you feel that safety is compromised.
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Exploring the story behind the conflict can also be helpful.
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Belief systems often stem from past experiences.
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Acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree.
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This mutual acknowledgment can help level the ground.
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Inquire to learn more; ask open questions to understand their perspective.
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Instead of accusatory language, adopt a more questioning approach.
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Change confrontation into dialogue—look for clarity and understanding.
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Confrontation is common. How many of you have experienced confrontation?
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Keep your hands up if it has ever been physical.
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Confrontation happens and it can influence outcomes.
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If you can change physiology, language, and focus during confrontation, it will often help.
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If my spouse and I are arguing, we first change locations.
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This physical shift helps to diffuse the situation significantly.
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Also, changing the language used can create common ground.
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Another effective technique is to help the other person refocus.
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Our objective is clear communication leading to healthy solutions.
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There can be fair standards negotiated to resolve conflicts.
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Remember that setting standards for fairness can guide resolution.
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Finding something that feels fair to everyone involved simplifies discussions.
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So that’s it—difficult conversations.
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If you have questions, I’m happy to discuss tools or situations with you.
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My name is Adam Cuppy from Zeile, and it’s been my pleasure. Thank you all!
