Talks
Scars: On Handling Adversity
Scars: On Handling Adversity by Ross Kaffenberger
As much as we'd like our programming careers to be filled with great success, it's more than likely we'll encounter setbacks along the way. We may have to deal with impossible clients or projects, imposter syndrome, confusion, self-doubt, and maybe much worse. Perhaps there's a bright side to failure. Let's take a close look at our scars and examine how they can help make us stronger.
GoRuCo 2017
00:00:16.800
Hello, I'm Ross. Let's talk about scars. Do you have any?
00:00:20.529
Maybe you made a big mistake. Perhaps you got in trouble despite your best intentions. Maybe you inherited a mess that made you say, "Never again." You may have struggled with self-confidence and even questioned whether you're good enough. Events beyond your control may have forced you to make a difficult decision, like walking away altogether. Certainly, we've all struggled to some degree, and sometimes we're able to bounce back, learn, and grow. Occasionally, we can even make light of our struggles. However, sometimes our obstacles are not easily overcome.
00:00:40.470
Sometimes our setbacks feel permanent. Something happened in my life recently for which I was totally unprepared, and it caused me to question everything. Let's back up a little. About ten years ago, I got my first programming job in Ruby, and around that same time, I lost my hair. It wasn't by choice. I was very lucky to marry the amazing woman who was able to look past my hair issues and my Ruby habits. I had the opportunity to write a lot of code for several years, and everything was great.
00:01:04.500
Then my life took a left turn. Until recently, I was unemployed. I moved back in with my parents and needed counseling. Last year, everything changed—my wife passed away. She was my partner, my best friend. It was sudden and unexpected; one moment she was there, and then she was gone. It was devastating when it happened. The array of emotions I felt was overwhelming. I was heartbroken and terrified. I was so distraught that I couldn't eat or sleep for days. I was in pain.
00:01:22.350
Grief is not considered an illness, but it felt like one to me. Part of me had gone missing, and it felt like I might never feel joy again. So, I withdrew. I left our home and the tech world. For quite a while, I wondered, "What am I supposed to do now?" I had lost my way. Before, I was motivated—I had planned to get better at programming and grow as a leader and mentor. My wife and I were planning to start a family. Though she had been dealing with chronic illness, we had a plan to get her healthy. But things don't always go according to plan.
00:01:40.480
A lot has happened since then. I still miss my wife and am still heartbroken, but I've been learning how to live with my grief. I got help. I came back to work. I'm here speaking to you today, and I've embraced some ideas that have helped me become functional again. These are things I hope can be helpful to you should you find yourself in a tough situation. First, be compassionate with yourself. The day after my wife passed away, I walked outside, collapsed on the ground, and cried. I felt guilty and ashamed, believing I had failed as a husband.
00:02:02.430
Blaming myself and feeling regrets created a downward spiral, and I needed a change in perspective. My friends and family helped me realize there was no way I could have known she was in danger at the time; her doctors didn't see it. I needed to have an honest conversation with myself and let go of my guilt. In our darkest moments, there's often a vast disconnect between what we feel and what is true. It can be extremely difficult to acknowledge that we're only human, but it's incredibly important that we do— you are stronger than you think.
00:02:25.280
At my lowest point, I was consumed by fear and self-doubt. I wasn't sure I'd be able to face my fears without my partner. However, I've been inspired by some amazing people in tech who taught me that it's not what happens to us, but how we respond that matters. Sheryl Sandberg, the CEO of Facebook, lost her husband to cardiac arrhythmia while the family was on vacation a few years ago. She struggled through an intense period of grief and didn’t think she’d ever recover.
00:02:47.910
Then, she found encouragement from a friend who told her, "Option A is not available, so let's kick the heck out of Option B!" Over time, she discovered that resilience is something we can learn when we choose to find joy again even when we feel lost. She has gone on to write a book about her journey titled "Option B." Similarly, TV McCann, an accomplished engineer at GitHub and public speaker, has also faced her own struggles.
00:03:04.220
During a difficult period in her life, she threw herself into triathlons, which became a source of solace. She's trained for and competed in Ironman events all over the world, and the sport is part of her identity. Recently, while on a training ride, she was hit by a car. The accident left her in a cast for months; she had to relearn how to walk and may never regain her ability to train and compete. Despite this, she is fighting to reinvent herself again. She gave a recent talk titled "How to Mend a Broken Identity," which taught me that sometimes courage simply means keeping going.
00:03:29.630
Jennifer Saul Stein was not one to complain. You’d be forgiven if you found this surprising since her kidneys failed in her early teens, and she had multiple transplants. She survived septic shock, endured numerous surgeries, and underwent chemotherapy—she literally had more scars than anyone I’ve ever met. Although she had every right to complain, she never did. Instead, she projected love and kindness. She made everyone around her feel special. She could do this because she mastered empathy, a quality we’ve heard a lot about today.
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I believe her emotional intelligence was highly evolved. In fact, she was so amazing that I asked her to marry me, and I’m very grateful she said yes. Though our time together felt too short, the impact she had on my life is permanent. Part of her lives on through the miracle of surrogacy—our son was born three months after Jen's passing. Now, I’m learning to be a father. I never imagined doing this without her, but with everything she taught me, I’m finding the strength to do so. Our boy deserves to know his mom, and I’m doing my best to show him.
00:04:15.480
We wanted to take this elephant home with us, but he didn't fit in the trunk, which requires patience. It's remarkable how we manage to find our way in time. So, I've returned to the tech world, but now I have a different set of priorities and a newfound perspective. However, reaching this point didn’t happen overnight. Jenna kept one of her favorite quotes as a magnet on our refrigerator for years, and I never paid much attention to it.
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Sometime after she passed away, I read the quote again for the first time. It's from the poet Rilke: "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now. You would not be able to live them. The point is to live everything. Live the questions now; perhaps then someday or in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
00:05:03.819
Things may not always go according to plan. Your projects may falter. You may be hurt by events beyond your control. You may end up with scars. But don’t let that stop you. When the time comes, remember to be kind to yourself. You are stronger than you think. And for everything unresolved in your heart, live the questions. Thank you.
