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Thank you all for coming to see this talk late afternoon of RailsConf. My name is Jennifer, and my pronouns are she and her.
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I am a co-founder of Cohere. We are a tiny consulting and coaching consultancy, specializing in coaching and training for engineering teams. My co-founders, Spencer and Betsy, are here in the room, so feel free to come talk with us afterwards if you're interested.
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Before I co-founded Cohere with these two amazing people, I worked as an employee at both small companies and big companies—first as a developer and then later as a manager. A few years ago, I was working at a job that made me feel a little stressed. I noticed that I had started to drink more. I went from a glass or two a month—I didn't used to drink very much—to a glass or two a week, and then to a glass or two a day, especially on the days when I was skipping my evening workouts to get work done.
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When I realized how this was affecting me, I took drastic measures and went for mandatory self-care. I decided to go dry and stopped consuming alcohol altogether. I set hard stops for when I would leave work in the evening and made it a rule not to work again until I returned in the morning. I allowed myself to return early and used my evening cutoff time as a motivation to ensure I could complete my workouts before heading home.
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Before I tell you how that went, I want to take a moment to explore how we think about self-care. Self-care can encompass many activities—it can involve eating well, sleeping well, and exercising regularly. Self-care can also mean indulging in a glass of wine, going to the spa, practicing meditation, or going on a vacation. Sometimes self-care means just being nice to ourselves.
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But self-care can also look more basic than that. For some people, self-care might involve simply brushing your teeth, getting dressed, or showing up to work. If any of these basic tasks feel like struggles for you, it’s important to acknowledge that reaching out for additional help is essential. While this talk is going to provide valuable insights, it won't fix everything, and I encourage you to consider speaking with a medical professional, like your PCP or therapist.
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Let's go back to my story from a couple of years ago. Why did I implement such drastic self-care measures? I was applying self-care because I felt terrible about work and life in general. When life feels overwhelming, self-care appears as a method to replenish some energy—it feels like it offsets what life and work may take from us.
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When I started that particular job, things were looking great. I joined a workplace where I liked and respected the people, and I had so much promise for career growth. My home life was relatively stable, aside from minor complaints like who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly. But shortly after, I faced unexpected challenges, including a death in the family coinciding with increasing work stress—the pressures from both areas drained me.
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At that point, I noticed changes in my alcohol consumption, my exercise patterns, and that’s when I realized I needed to be more proactive about self-care to recharge my energy. Perhaps you have found yourself prioritizing self-care, focusing on sleep and exercise, and feeling slightly better, yet still facing demands from work or incidents in your life that took up your time and attention.
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The pressure from work kept increasing; I was receiving demands that felt unmanageable. In my case, my workload became too heavy for one person, and I felt guilty for not being able to complete it all. Despite focusing on self-care by maintaining a good sleep schedule and exercising, I couldn’t change the amount of work demanding my attention.
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At this point in my life, I realized the limitations surrounding self-care and how it wouldn't always recharge my energy efficiently. I confronted the reality that self-care has its boundaries, and while we can employ various techniques to care for ourselves, we also need to be aware of the external factors that contribute to our stress. I want to show you my schedule during that time.
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You might not have an hour commute like I did, but regardless, there's a limit to the number of hours in a day. If you require good sleep, that's around 8 or 9 hours. Add in another 8 or 9 hours for work and meals, and that leaves you with only six to eight hours daily for personal care—things like eating, showering, and even just running errands such as opening the mail or doing dishes.
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Additionally, if you feel overwhelmed and burnt out, trying to squeeze self-care into those sparse hours may yield an added pressure. When work or life keeps taking, where do you take that time from? This is why it is crucial to evaluate how much stress you can manage and when your instincts about avoiding burnout become alarming.
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I want to introduce a familiar concept that represents those feelings we all have when overwhelmed. You know the ‘This Is Fine’ dog in the comic? It’s a perfect allegory for being in a room on fire, calmly ignoring the chaos around us. The 'This Is Fine' dog sits lovingly in its chaotic environment, sipping perhaps a calming beverage while not acknowledging the surrounding destruction.
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This image serves as a shorthand for any unsustainable situation we might find ourselves in. Maybe it’s a job where the environment is toxic or a project that continuously drains our energy reserves. It's vital to assess whether you're fully aware of your surroundings and how they affect you. If your room appears to be on fire, ask yourself: is your room actually on fire?
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If you recognize risks in your workplace and how it may differ for you than others, remember to acknowledge that. It's essential to validate our feelings around workplace hazards, as sometimes what feels damaging to one person doesn't resonate with others in the same space.
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Reflecting on experiences in hotels, think about the methods we use to assess danger; you might check if a door is hot to see if there's a fire beyond it. Similarly, when exploring your mental space, allow yourself to evaluate whether there’s smoke or a sense of danger present, even if you don’t see immediate signs.
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Please keep this checklist in mind: Consider changes in your habits, such as shifts in media consumption and socialization patterns. Are you spending less time engaging with friends, or is it more challenging to get out of bed? If you find yourself arguing with loved ones about your situation, it might indicate that you need to reassess your living conditions.
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For some of you, this realization may be dawning. You might be in a situation that feels unmanageable, but here’s the good news—you have options. You aren't stuck in this immediate predicament. You have the power to change your circumstances, evaluate your choices, and decide how to move forward.
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Maybe you will take the time to flee your current ‘burning room’—to leave a job or relationship if it's genuinely harmful. But fleeing isn’t always possible or feasible for everyone. In the meantime, think about what can be adjusted based on your internal state.
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You can change your mindset by controlling your internal responses rather than changing external factors. For instance, it's not always feasible to control what others do, but you can recognize your own choices and take actions that positively affect your well-being. For those of you with siblings, you may relate to that dynamic; sometimes we can’t stop the behavior of others, but we can adjust how we react.
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If you feel exhausted or burned out, take heed of how difficult it can be to distinguish between what you can change and what you cannot. If you prioritize internal change, it alleviates the strain of decision-making while preserving your energy.
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If you choose to apply more self-care, it’s essential to focus on how you spend your non-working hours effectively. This includes sleep, nutrition, and taking the time you need for personal interests. Not every situation requires dramatic transformation, from intensive self-care to planning your week. Sometimes a period of stress, although hard, passes, and we can return to normalcy.
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I want to demonstrate through a graph the complexity of managing our well-being along with the demands of life as it changes. When everything is steady, and we point out it may shift due to unexpected stress, that might lead to our battery being exhausted. We may have to crank up our self-care, but demands continue to change with time and possibly break our limits.
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Eventually, when we hit a max where we can no longer address demands or sustain self-care efforts, it can become overwhelming. You may not be able to fulfill both expectations and self-care, and hitting that wall can indicate it's time to reconsider your situation. At this point, focusing on your mental health surpasses holding onto unhealthy conditions.
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As I mentioned before, we have two choices: either change what you have control over, or find another environment that better serves your well-being. If changing the environment doesn’t work, keep searching for those aspects that drain you while making note of your boundary limits.
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By recognizing how to navigate the option of adjusting external situations, do not lose sight of possible changes you could make to the areas of stress in your life—whether it be a conversation with your manager or finding people who support you.
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If at any point you seek help from a manager or colleague and don’t get the expected outcomes, keep searching for other ways to lessen your load. Reflect on how you can re-engage without overstretching yourself. Each rejection offers a chance to re-examine your approach.
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Take a moment whenever you feel that pull and allow yourself to be vulnerable with your colleagues. Share your experiences, whether they come from a place of emotional distress or acknowledgment that things are overwhelming. We all are subject to change but should not shy away from opportunities to express those feelings.
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And remember, as you reflect on your choices: your decision may not be right or wrong. Evaluate them based on what you know now. It isn’t productive to second-guess yourself for past decisions; rather, give yourself grace. All our decisions stem from the best available information in the moment.
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As the talk nears its end, remember to reconnect with your needs. Self-care is paramount, so conduct a gut-check, thinking about whether you want to go for that bubble bath or make a more active decision. It’s crucial to determine what you want for yourself first.
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I appreciate your time and attention. I’ll be around off-mic for questions, or feel free to reach out to me on Twitter @jtu. I’m also taking on coaching clients, so if you're interested, let’s connect. I’ll also share my slides and notes from today’s talk on my company website, cohere.com.
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Before wrapping up, I want to clarify the pronunciation of my company's name: it’s pronounced 'Cohere,' for those unfamiliar with it. Thank you to all who attended, and remember to take care of yourselves.
