00:00:15.760
Oh my goodness! All I can say about my career as a professional musician and as an author of operating systems is that my reputation exceeds me. I made that up; I was so proud of that joke. Then I googled it, and somebody else had already made it up. Originality is dead; it's so sad. Anyway, I'd like to welcome you all to the Aaron Patterson Memorial closing keynote.
00:00:23.150
It's an honor, a naming honor usually reserved for dead people, so that's something! To be invited to present after introductions like Evan's and then Aaron's is really daunting. The genesis of this talk started one day when my wife Cindy and I were talking. I had to do a talk and had picked out a really nice safe technical topic. I jokingly said, 'Wouldn't it be funny if I discussed how uncomfortable I feel at work most of the time?' But she challenged me, saying, 'I dare you to talk about that.' I insisted, 'No, seriously, this is a technical topic.'
00:01:08.800
Finally, I said, 'Okay, okay, we'll do it.' So, this is the talk, called 'Ease at Work.' Since we're at the end of the conference, I'll give you the TLDR right at the beginning. Please pardon my use of sexist language—we haven't even figured out a better pronoun than this—but a man cannot become comfortable without his own approval. I think that's really what this all boils down to. If you need to go to sleep now, that's fine; it's dark, and I won’t be able to see you. The people next to you? They're probably going to be asleep too, so don’t worry about that.
00:02:09.450
Now, for the first half of the story: please pardon the sexist language; this is how I learned the story, and I haven't figured out a better way to tell it. A farmer needs some help and interviews several potential farm helpers. One young man catches his eye. The young man says, 'I can sleep when the wind blows,' and the farmer is bewildered. 'You can sleep when the wind blows? What does that even mean?' The young man looked eager and strong, so the farmer decides to hire him. Now, you'll have to wait for the whole rest of the presentation for the second half of that story. That's the thing you can do when you have the clicker!
00:02:59.390
Ease is not the perfect word for what I'm trying to convey. Remember, I said I often feel uncomfortable at work. One of my mental habits is always expressing things positively. The word that came to my mind is 'ease,' but there are some parts of that meaning that I really don’t mean. I don't mean that you risk nothing at work; that's not what I'm trying to achieve. I certainly don't mean that I don't work hard. In fact, I love working hard. I enjoy diving deep into a technical topic, tackling a challenging programming problem, getting focused, and finally, after battling with it, walking out exhausted yet satisfied.
00:03:58.740
So, I'm not talking about 'ease' as in lounging back without a care. I'm not talking about freedom from financial difficulty. These are dictionary definitions of the word 'ease,' and that's not my focus. What I'm aiming for is a state of comfort where I know I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing, free from that nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else. If I'm programming, I think I should be writing; if I'm writing, I should be coaching; if I'm coaching, I should be taking care of goats. It's such a waste of time and it's where I spend a big part of my working day. So, I want that state of comfort where I know I'm exactly where I should be, doing what I should be doing.
00:04:55.090
The second sense of ease I refer to is freedom from agitation. The programmer's life is often filled with anxiety, and I've certainly experienced my share. I heard a courageous lightning talk yesterday from someone who stood up and admitted, 'I suffer from this too—you're not alone.' Well, you're not alone either. It's part of the daily struggle. Questions like, 'Is this really going to work? Am I smart enough? Am I good enough? Do people like me?' plague my mind. That doesn't help, but it has become somewhat of a habit, creating a sense of tension. The last sense of ease I cherish is the feeling of facility. Some athletes make their sport look effortless—a football player, a basketball player, a racecar driver—there's no unnecessary motion in their actions.
00:06:47.010
I remember one striking example at a barbecue joint. The cook was this gigantic guy, pouring sweat in a soaked t-shirt, but watching him was like observing ballet. His movements were so precise that it seemed like he was hardly doing anything. Until you noticed how much food was coming out! The way he popped baked potatoes was remarkable. He'd take the inside edge of his knife and just pull, and the potato would be perfectly cooked. Each time, it followed the same exact motion. I thought, 'Wow, if I could only program with that level of facility!' That’s something I aspire to. When I’m using a tool I truly understand with a team where I have strong relationships, it’s magical. The hours spent feel like they don’t even count because you look up, and it's hours later, and you've accomplished something amazing.
00:08:30.920
But getting there is hard work. Still, once you are there, it feels incredibly rewarding, and you end up getting a lot done. However, this hasn’t always been my experience for various reasons, none of which are relevant to this presentation. When I entered the workforce at twenty-three, I was quite the opposite of 'ease.' Over the past decade, I've worked to cultivate a sense of ease in my work life. I have found a handful of practices that truly make a difference, and I’m going to share those with you today. This is what I do to attain that sense of ease—positive ease characterized by facility and comfort, coupled with freedom from anxiety.
00:09:38.930
One significant downside of the virtual world is that you can’t physically touch what we do. One mistake—like a magnet—could destroy my life's work if applied wisely. I recall driving with a contractor in my town in Southern Oregon who said, 'Oh yeah, I built that house,' 'I built that office building,' and 'I built that restaurant.' I felt a pang of jealousy! You know, when you send a message on Facebook that goes through code I wrote, unless someone has rewritten it since then, it doesn’t truly feel the same. Did my contractor friend know that his work mattered? Sure, he could point to the people living happy lives and engaging in commerce that his structures facilitated. He didn’t need reminders—his work clearly mattered.
00:11:00.610
But what I noticed when I started paying attention to this factor—does my work matter? Sometimes, yes; I knew it did, especially during a crisis where I was the person with the information to get the system back online. In those moments, it’s clear your work matters. Yet there are other times when you're unsure—like when you’re working on a feature and doubt that anyone will ever use it. Now, that's a little disconcerting. Even things like refactoring come into play—when I clean up ugly code and it ends up looking beautiful, it feels good, but did it really matter? There is now more beauty in the world, but did it really change anything? So, I am now in the habit, whenever I feel uneasy about whether my work matters, to go and find out.
00:12:50.410
I ask questions, conduct experiments, and measure outcomes to ensure my work is relevant. Consider this: three billion seconds equals roughly 95 years—given how far we've come, it’s probable we’ll make it—or probably as likely as not. Three billion seconds means that half of mine are gone, and every second, another one disappears. I want to ensure I’m doing something important with every one of those seconds because you can’t get them back. Practically, this resembles Lean Startup methodologies; if I’m developing some significant feature and unsure if anyone will even use it, I might find out first. Before carefully crafting a function, I'll put a button in place to see if anyone clicks it.
00:14:49.900
This might seem out of order, and maybe it doesn't align with engineering efficiency, but I spend the first part of development reassuring myself my work matters. Then, sometimes, it’s no different. Someone demands a feature, and here’s the downside of working on consumer software—your wife gives you bug reports that may unduly influence prioritization. If I get a request like that, I know I'm doing something that contributes to family harmony, and I don’t have to question whether my work matters. I can just dive in. But when I feel that tickle in the back of my head saying, 'Is this actually worthwhile?' I invest the time to find out.
00:17:11.720
Here's an unexpected lesson I learned early in my career—the 'jello model.' Have you heard of it? The way you pick the version to ship is akin to jello; it’s always wiggling. As an engineer, you wait for it to stop wiggling, and that’s when you ship it? I recall being dumbfounded by that—it was the pinnacle of confidence for an engineer not to see movement. I realized that nagging feeling of doubt as I drove home at night, asking, 'Did it really work?' is avoidable. That choice hinges on working to ensure I recognize my code functions as intended. There are many workflows resulting in far more confidence in my work than I imagined possible when starting out.
00:19:59.780
One can choose to work in a way that fosters that confidence. Whether you do test-driven development (TDD) or not is fine—what matters is the outcome. If you feel certain your code works, then ship it—if not, build that confidence before shipping. I can do that! When I occasionally panic and feel rushed, I realize I need to secure that confidence; it’s worth it. Knowing my code works before it goes live alleviates my anxiety, raising my sense of mastery, ensuring my code functions, and allowing me to make small adjustments to keep it that way. It’s a great feeling to know the next feature is just one step away.
00:21:34.040
We are not robots! That might not be shocking, but much of the engineering management wisdom treats engineers as such. Here we are, going through processes—where's the celebration? Where's the acknowledgment that we are social beings? A basic human need is pride in one's work. This motivation pushes my desire to refactor. Over time, I've started to refactor later on, almost just-in-time, right before I need to change. But it’s a choice. Actively pursuing a sense of pride in my work contributes to my ease. I feel accomplished, less anxious because I know my code is as good as it can be.
00:23:47.780
I was taught early on that it didn’t matter how it looked or even if it worked, as long as I maintained plausible deniability with the QA department. This is terrible! Everyone acts this way? Sure, but it was not enjoyable. Fortunately, I encountered individuals who refused to settle for mediocrity, showing me the value of refining work until I felt proud. Emotions can be noisy but are incredibly valuable—feeling proud signifies something important, while feeling ashamed makes me think I should fix something before shipping. This work—figuring out the balance between fixing before shipping and letting go—is why I’m still engaged in this journey long after years have passed. Pursuing pride in my achievements significantly enhances my ease at work.
00:25:22.320
I coach many bright young engineers, actively teaching them to trust their curiosity. I say, 'Ideas are like little mice. They poke their noses out of their holes to see if it’s safe.' If I welcome them, those mice will emerge, and we can explore. If I dismiss them, they retreat. A couple of years ago, I faced a crisis—lost confidence in myself, doubting my ideas. I was so mean to those mice they just stopped showing up. I didn’t want that—I enjoy being an idea fountain. To remedy it, I started to encourage my own ideas. This doesn’t mean pursuing each thought exhaustively, but if an idea arises, I’d wonder if it’s worth investigating.
00:27:21.920
I would take half an hour to explore its validity, and each time I did, my ability to vet those ideas improved and, consequently, they flowed more freely. Sometimes, having many ideas can pose a challenge, revealing the need to be supportive of my inquiries without being sidetracked. For instance, last night, I pondered whether Rails is structured similarly to other repositories. After delving into the number of commits, I discovered that indeed, Rails comprises a power law distribution typical of most repositories. It was an instant delight to see how closely it correlated with other data I had researched.
00:29:59.150
The connection with ease is crucial. When I ignore these emerging thoughts, I feel terrible knowing endless worlds of ideas linger undiscovered, all because I’m so busy focusing solely on one task. It breeds a sense of frustration. Therefore, deliberately encouraging my imaginative musings has transformed my ease at work dramatically. Taking these moments to listen to my curiosity has been a meaningful practice. Another surprising lesson I learned early in my career was to avoid giving estimates. I was trained to shift any possible estimates far down the line or just outright avoid them.
00:31:10.430
I now understand that estimates for finishing features often result in pitfalls. However, you can indeed make public commitments toward shared goals without needing to predict precisely how long it takes to build a widget. For instance, one might say, 'I believe we can increase revenue by 10 percent, or reduce churn in our users by 3 percent by this date.' The first time I did it was nerve-wracking, but upon making these commitments, my anxiety level dropped, and my sense of focus increased. This might feel risky because I may not meet my commitments, but just as I practice being accountable, the clarity keeps me at ease.
00:33:59.350
When I take responsibility for my work, it’s liberating. This means I reflect on my own actions and not attribute blame. Instead, I focus on my own contributions—what I did, the choices I made, and how I spent my time. The response to that accountability can vary—people may be angry, disappointed, or collaborative. Whatever their response, it’s theirs, not mine. Embracing this leads to another habit contributing to my ease: interpreting feedback. I tend to oscillate between one of two extremes: either believing too much in the flattery I receive or dismissing all criticisms entirely. Neither is healthy; thus, I’ve cultivated a habit of looking to the underlying truths in that feedback.
00:35:47.400
For instance, if someone says, 'Your book saved my life,' I won’t interpret that as me being great—I recognize I merely wrote it, but they applied it. Most of the experience is theirs. Conversely, when someone critiques my work harshly, I consider their assessment without automatically absorbing their emotional states. It keeps me steady. This habit helps me handle negativity while maintaining my confidence during conflict situations. It allows me to operate much closer to my best rather than deteriorating into self-doubt.
00:37:14.820
One practice I engage in to maintain my emotional balance and ease is to be a beginner at something. For instance, I perform in a local production of The Nutcracker ballet. Trust me, if you want something to make you feel awkward, try ballet at fifty! I learned Haskell recently as well, which is contrary to my views on programming languages. It has proven valuable, fundamentally reshaping my understanding. Although it has not felt good to be wholly unfamiliar with a skill, now I recognize that feeling uncomfortable is acceptable; it reinforces the notion that I can succeed even when I don’t feel in complete control.
00:39:39.660
Consciously placing myself in positions where I’m a beginner reminds me I can handle discomfort and still perform well. The last habit I've adopted, which is not tied to any religion, is meditation. When I take that moment in the morning to breathe, I realize I’m just a breath away from feeling okay for the rest of the day. Conversely, when I neglect mornings entirely, the opposite unfolds—panic ensues for the remainder of the day. Cultivating this habit has made a significant difference in both my personal and professional life.
00:40:27.500
Lastly, there's a sense of service that enhances my emotional well-being. When I do things for others without seeking any return—no feedback, no accolades—it has a restorative effect on my own feelings of self-worth. It’s a blessing to do something purely for someone else, and it uplifts me, thus allowing me to approach the next challenges that arise in my work with greater readiness. This concludes the list of techniques I utilize to cultivate ease in my daily work life. Now, if you wanted to start working on any of these yourself, find a buddy to work on it together; it makes a world of difference.
00:44:00.080
So, to wrap up, one night, the farmer wakes in a panic. The wind is blowing, and rain is pouring down. He pulls on his boots and pants and rushes out to the barn. The farm helper is already there, and the farmer says, 'We have to get the hay in before it gets ruined!' The helper replies, 'It’s already taken care of.' The farmer insists, 'We need to gather the cows so they don’t spook and stampede!' Again, the helper states, 'It’s already been taken care of.' Finally, the farmer thinks for a moment, turns around, and returns to the house, climbs back into bed, and tells his wife, 'It’s all taken care of.' She then smiles and says, 'Now do you understand what the young man meant when he said, “I can sleep when the wind blows?”’ I wish that for myself and for all of you. Thank you very much.
