How to Talk to Humans: a Different Approach to Soft Skills

RailsConf 2015

by Sharon Steed

In the workshop titled 'How to Talk to Humans: a Different Approach to Soft Skills,' presented by Sharon Steed at RailsConf 2015, the focus is on improving communication skills in the tech industry, where technical proficiency often overshadows soft skills. Steed emphasizes the importance of empathy and storytelling in connecting with others, highlighting that effective communication requires acknowledging and leveraging personal vulnerabilities.

Key points discussed include:
- The contrast between communicating with machines and with humans, noting that the latter demands deeper interpersonal skills.
- Steed shares her personal struggles with stuttering and anxiety, advocating for embracing weaknesses as potential strengths in communication.
- She encourages attendees to explore their vulnerabilities, asserting that openness can lead to stronger connections and meaningful interactions.
- Examples of effective communicators, such as Richard Branson, are provided, illustrating that empathy and relatability can enhance engagement.
- Pair exercises prompt participants to share personal experiences regarding their perceived weaknesses, fostering deeper conversations.
- The distinction between intelligent informers, who aim to impress, and social relators, who seek to connect, is made clear, underlining that valuing others fosters better communication.
- Steed draws parallels between marketing and storytelling, stressing the need to communicate ideas compellingly to resonate with audiences.
- She concludes with encouragement to practice authenticity in professional relationships, leveraging personal narratives as powerful tools for engagement.

The main takeaway from the workshop is that vulnerability can be a powerful asset in communication and that storytelling and empathy should be integral in interactions, particularly in the tech sphere where soft skills often take a backseat to technical expertise.

00:00:12.480 Hi everyone! Oh wow, that is loud. I'm not used to talking on a microphone, so this will be interesting. Okay, so I am Sharon, and I'm going to be presenting this workshop today. I'm just going to go ahead and get started.

00:00:34.719 The great thing about the tech industry is that there is a ton of disruption and innovation. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of that happening on the communications side, and I am just as guilty as the next marketer and communicator of falling into the tried-and-true methods to get my points across. As you can tell, I have a speech impediment; I stutter. It has influenced many of my choices in life.

00:01:05.439 I chose to be a writer because I was a lot more comfortable with the written word than with talking to people. I chose to freelance because anytime I would go to a job interview, I would become engulfed with so much anxiety that I couldn't even get a word out, not even my name. As you could tell a moment ago, there are many times I opted to be silent, even though I knew I could add value to the conversation. 'Value' is a word I will be discussing a lot today, along with marketing.

00:01:39.680 After ten years as a writer, with eight of those years in marketing roles, I have learned a couple of things about what companies need to do to get eyes on their brand. Businesses talk a lot about mobile strategy, SEO, hashtags, social impact, Facebook, Twitter, and branding. However, the problem is that many companies struggle to hear themselves and expose their flaws, as I am doing right now. Think about it: when was the last time you had an idea for a marketing plan and scratched it off the list because it exposed a weakness? This probably happens more often than you think, especially in an early-stage company where resources are limited.

00:03:05.760 Today, I want to challenge you to abandon your strengths and explore the things you consider to be weaknesses. We often view weaknesses as negatives, but those feelings aren't necessarily harmful. The Italian intellectual Eugenio Montale said that creativity is born from the ability to see alternative ways to understand the world. What if you applied that to your company's brand or even your personal brand? I love to read, and one of my favorite authors is Haruki Murakami. He uses a form of weakness in his writing, as noted by The Atlantic, which remarked that no other writer produces as many awkward sentences.

00:04:17.680 If you've read any of his books, you'd understand that his storytelling is compelling because of it. His plots are so disjointed, yet they work. He has marketed himself by using his awkwardness to his advantage, and now he is one of the great writers of our time. You can stand out by being unapologetically, imperfectly yourself. Always remember that sometimes, your greatest vulnerability can be your most valuable asset. Kevin Plank, the founder of Under Armour, understands this incredibly well. The first rule of his formula is 'innovation through design.' He emphasizes doing one thing really well.

00:07:03.040 For the first five years of Under Armour, they focused solely on one product: their compression t-shirt. For me, my business revolves around writing in all forms. I covered editorial work before transitioning to business and eventually landing in marketing. This built credibility, and once you have that under your belt, you can grow from there. For you, it could mean dedicating time to a few platforms you know will work and then innovating from there. My personal disruption was starting to speak; I began about a year ago as a way to break out of my shell.

00:10:17.760 I was terrified to talk to people one-on-one, and I was even more terrified to do what I'm doing now. Once I put myself out there, I realized my biggest fear—my deepest vulnerability—was actually a great way to connect with people. It's much easier to connect with your audience, whether in a larger group or one-on-one, if they know you are flawed too. The question I want to pose to you today is: what's your disruption? What is the one thing that terrifies you, that worries you, that makes you vulnerable? That is where your sweet spot is; that is what will capture your target audience's attention and make you stand out.

00:12:46.320 People might tell you that you need to be the strongest communicator to succeed. But sometimes, the truth is that you have to be the most transparent one. Now, we are going to get into our first exercise. I want you to pair up; there's enough people to do this in pairs. Talk about an area in your professional life that you consider a weakness. For example, it might be talking to someone about a difficult topic, connecting with a co-worker, or explaining a technical concept to a non-technical person. After discussing that, share a time when that weakness overwhelmed you.

00:15:19.040 You'll do this in pairs, preferably with someone you don't already know, so you may have to move around the room a little bit to find a partner. I'll give you about ten minutes to complete this exercise. Let's wrap up this exercise. How did it feel to talk about something you don't view positively? Did anyone find it easier to discuss? Go ahead. I found the conversation to be a lot less shallow than most of my conversations. It felt deeper. It helps you relate to someone else who also has weaknesses, especially in the tech industry where many of us feel inadequate.

00:17:14.640 Anyone else have thoughts? It was much easier to talk to a total stranger than team members. That's a good segue into the next part about how to talk to humans. Before we proceed, does anyone want to share more thoughts? The first thing you must remember when communicating with others is that everyone is a little like you. Everyone wants to be liked. Right now, I want you to think I'm interesting, funny, and the coolest person here; that's human nature.

00:20:15.040 Our brains are wired to connect; it's how we've evolved through group acceptance. When discussing your vulnerabilities, you likely attempted to present it positively. But remember, the other person has the same need for acceptance. For instance, as someone who stutters, I often feel weak. However, in a communication setting, your insecurities can surface. For example, talking to an angry client can be daunting. We sometimes speed up our speech or struggle to articulate when we perceive that the other person holds all the power. But the fact is, despite their role, they share the same basic need for mutual acceptance.

00:22:52.640 In social situations, everyone is a little vulnerable because our human instinct for acceptance kicks in. Now that we recognize our commonality, we must learn to use it to our advantage. There are two types of communicators: intelligent informers and social relators. While they both seek the same thing, how they approach communication is completely different. Intelligent informers often aim to impress others, like someone who boasts about their fitness regimen but fails to connect it to others' lives, leaving them feeling unvalued.

00:26:06.000 On the other hand, social relators aim to make others feel valued. They focus on learning about and supporting others. A terrific example of this is Richard Branson, who is known for being a good listener rather than a talker. People remember charismatic individuals not for their dialogue but for how they made others feel valued. This ability to empathize is the foundation of effective communication. Throughout this workshop, you've shown empathy by listening to me share my current struggles.

00:29:07.120 Now, I want you to find a partner you haven't spoken to yet. Ask them a few questions about anything—perhaps their job or company. This exercise's goal is to keep the conversation alive while you practice how you engage and listen to your partner. I'll set a timer for about eight to ten minutes. So how did that go? Did you enjoy connecting with someone new? Was it weird at first? Go ahead. In the middle of it, I found myself trying to come up with my next statement instead of listening, which made it hard to concentrate.

00:31:48.440 It's tough to concentrate when you're already thinking about what to say next. But you did a great job! Remember, asking people about their passions creates more engaging conversations. One of you asked me a great question: what is your passion? This can lead to deeper discussions. It may feel awkward initially, particularly when you're trying to establish conversational flow, but it really does get easier over time.

00:35:07.200 When you engage genuinely, it helps make the other person feel valued. The goal is to establish a relationship, whether in a professional or casual setting. Don't hesitate to ask meaningful questions. We discussed a variety of thoughtful inquiries today, like what keeps you learning more about your passions or interests. Everyone should leave today feeling confident in their ability to build relationships through engaging discussions.

00:39:13.120 Before we finish up, I want to emphasize that vulnerability and storytelling are integral parts of communication. Marketing is fundamentally about connecting with your ideal audience and compelling them to take action. It's essential to frame your message compellingly so that the people you're engaging with want to stick around. Many founders have great stories about how their companies began; it's not just about having an idea; it's about connecting that idea with real-life solutions or needs.

00:42:03.680 In marketing, it's about conveying your narrative in a compelling way so the audience remains engaged. For example, if you explain a technical issue to a non-technical audience, illustrate how it aids them personally. Your passion is your strength; sharing it connects you with others who might share that enthusiasm. So, how would you explain a unique hobby or passion to make it relatable? Now, let's think about how to present ourselves in a way that draws in our audience.

00:45:35.280 We have some time left for Q&A. I appreciate everyone's participation today; this workshop was a nerve-wracking experience, but you all were incredibly patient and empathetic. The takeaway here is to feel more empowered in new interactions. You can connect with others genuinely. Thank you all for being here today!