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So great to see so many of you here! Awesome! I'm so excited to be speaking at RubyConf.
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It's so nice to meet people that I've known online and to meet lots of new individuals here as well.
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My name is Heidi Helfand, and I pretty much nerd out on listening. I want to share some communication tools that I use every day—in the wild, at work, at home, and in other places.
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We're going to start out with a little story. This is my son Samuel. He's 12 years old, and this is his recent Halloween costume. Here we are at home; you can see the PS4 in the background.
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It's not uncommon to find him playing his games. His sister Julia is next to me, playing The Sims 4, while I’m writing on my computer. We're a modern family, and we love our devices.
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Just last week, in fact, Samuel said to me, "Hey, Mom," while I was on the couch next to him. He said, "Let's have a conversation," and I looked at him and thought, "Okay, that'd be awesome! Let's have a conversation." I put my computer aside.
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He turned his chair, kind of like you see in this photo, and I asked, "What would you like to talk about?" He said, "I don't know," and I thought, "Oh, okay." So, I decided to ask him a specific kind of question I've been trained in, what we call a 'powerful question.'
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It's a coaching question that helps draw people out. I asked, "Samuel, tell me about a peak moment in your life—something that was really meaningful to you, an important time in your life." He thought for a moment, then said, "Mom, you know the peak moment in my life was the day the doctors told me that my cancer was stable."
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See, Sam's a cancer survivor. He's 12 years old, and he made it. I don't know if you hear many stories about childhood cancer, but I want to give hope to lots of people out there who may be dealing with this. My son's a survivor, and we're very proud of that.
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That moment was incredibly meaningful to me as a parent, and I've been thinking about it ever since. Unless we stopped to connect, we might not have shared that moment. I'm not saying there should never be devices around; I love my phone. But often, the challenge is that we need to pause and connect with each other.
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Like the keynotes mentioned, life is short—so slow down and connect. I will be sharing some practical tips and tools for improving communication, and it's going to be interactive, so if you're willing to participate, I encourage you to do so.
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As the first part of this session, I'd like you to take a moment to write down a few notes or just think in your head about a peak experience you've had that you're willing to share one-on-one with someone else here. We don't have to get up and share this publicly, but hold onto that thought.
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So, today I'm going to teach you how to improve your listening and communication skills. Listening is an essential part of communication, and I think it's something we often overlook. We need to listen actively because communication is more than just speaking words.
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We can strengthen our relationships in all parts of our lives by focusing on the whole person. When we listen deeply and draw others out, we can generate more leaders around us. You don't need a formal title to be a leader; anyone can lead.
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So, this idea of interacting and assisting others in their growth is an important part of leadership. I think that when we focus on listening, we can also help increase ownership among those around us.
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For example, when someone comes to you with a challenge, listening can encourage their ownership in solving the problem. I think this practice can be very powerful. At work, when people come up to my desk, I make it a point to stop, face them, and listen.
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This encourages them to solve their own problems. Of course, there's a place for giving advice, and I do that when asked, but often, it's more appropriate to let people find their own solutions. This practice is in line with my company's values at Procore Technologies.
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One of our core values is ownership, which aligns with the practices I'm sharing. Our values are not just words; they are principles we live by. I've been in the software industry for almost 20 years, after previously teaching English as a Second Language.
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I’ve been a part of three successful startups, including GoToMeeting and AppFolio. I gained coaching skills through intense training in a philosophy called co-active coaching, which emphasizes collaboration.
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I also wrote a book called "Dynamic Reteaming," which discusses team dynamics and challenges the notion that the best teams are stable ones. There's value in teams that adapt and change, especially in rapidly growing companies.
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Currently, I'm the Director of Engineering Excellence at Procore, where we develop software for the construction industry. This software aids project management on job sites, leveraging Ruby on Rails for efficient development.
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Let's dig into coaching conversations. We'll cover a simplified structure. The first tools pertain to listening and asking questions, then encouraging the other person to take action or choose how they will proceed.
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It's not only about action but also about how one wants to show up in any situation and then following up. These are essential skills that everyone can use, not just leaders.
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The first tool we'll explore is called the Levels of Listening, a co-active coaching tool. There are three levels of listening that help build self-awareness.
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The first level is inward-focused listening, where you might only be half-listening. Raise your hand if you've been in a situation where someone is talking to you, and your mind drifts elsewhere.
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This is a common experience; we all do it. The key is to become aware of when that happens so you can refocus your attention.
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Level two is when your attention is fully on the other person, and you are actively listening despite any distractions around you.
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Level three combines the attention from level two with an awareness of body language and the overall vibe of the environment. You can pick up subtle cues that inform your listening.
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To recap: level one is inward-focused, possibly distracted listening; level two is fully attention-out focused listening; and level three includes cues from body language and the environment.
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Let's practice this. I want everyone to stand up and find a partner next to you and face each other. I'll give you further instructions for our listening exercise.
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Now, figure out who's person A and who's person B. Person A is the one with the birthday closest to today.
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The goal of this exercise is for the listener to understand when they are in level one listening, which is distracting. Each of you will get a chance. I will tell you when to switch.
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So, first, person A will share their peak experience that you thought about earlier. Person B, you must not talk—just focus on your listening and put your attention out. Person A, you have about a minute and a half.
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Okay, switch! Now person B, you’ll share your peak experience.
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Let's come back together. What did you notice about your listening? I'd love to hear from a few people.
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Great! Focusing on just listening really helps you stay on track. One more person?
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Interesting! You noticed when you got a little distracted, how it affected your listening. How many people felt a bit distracted? That's quite normal.
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Let's build on this. Next, I want you to write down a challenge you're willing to share with another person. This could be a real challenge you’re facing.
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Let's revisit the concept of coaching conversations. We just focused on listening and its levels. Now we'll discuss questions, particularly powerful questions that forward action and deep learning.
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The goal when asking powerful questions is to help the other person explore their thoughts, not to just tell them what to do. We want to empower them to find their own solutions.
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This concept parallels educational practices where students are encouraged to think and engage, rather than just receive information.
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Here are a few examples of powerful questions you might consider: What do you want? What's important about this? What’s one step you can take?
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Using the word 'what' when you ask questions can help you draw out more information from the other person.
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Let's practice again. Find a new partner or use someone you already know. Person A will share their challenge while person B listens and asks powerful questions.
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I'll give you a few minutes to do this. You may begin.
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Okay, switch! Now person B, share your challenge, while person A listens and asks powerful questions. You may begin.
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Great! Thank you for participating in this exercise. I often run workshops for longer periods, but this was a small taste of the tools.
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How was that experience for you? I’d like to hear from a few people.
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Interesting! I heard someone say that paying attention to their partner's body language helped them know when to interject.
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Using questions that started with 'what' helped maintain the conversation and avoid giving unsolicited advice.
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Remember, this was an exercise, but the skills you're practicing here are applicable in real life as well.
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So now, let’s recap. Listening and engaging are key components of coaching conversations, and everyone can practice these skills.
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When approaching someone for a coaching conversation, I typically ask for permission first because it can feel intrusive otherwise.
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After the conversation, I often follow up with them later.
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In addition to listening and questioning, you can paraphrase what someone has said to them using different words.
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Acknowledging feelings is important, too. For example, in that previous story with my son, I could have said, "Sounds like you're really relieved."
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Another tip is to share the floor with other people in meetings.
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If you feel inclined to dominate the conversation, let three other people speak before you chime in.
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Also, be mindful of 'boomerangs' in conversation where you turn the focus back on yourself too quickly.
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Lastly, if you have remote friends or coworkers, make an effort to connect more actively through video calls.
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In closing, I encourage you to write down one thing you might want to accomplish as a result of this session.
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Perhaps it could be about becoming a better listener or not asking so many closed questions.
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Thank you so much for your attention! I’m Heidi Helfand, and I’d love to speak with you. Enjoy the rest of RubyConf!
