Plays Well with Others: How to Stop Being a Jerk Today

Communication

Jesse Belanger

#personal-development

#engineering-culture

#diversity-inclusion

#conflict-resolution

Plays Well with Others: How to Stop Being a Jerk Today

by Jesse Belanger

In his talk titled "Plays Well with Others: How to Stop Being a Jerk Today" at RailsConf 2019, Jesse Belanger addresses the often overlooked issue of negative behaviors in workplaces. He argues that everyone is capable of change and encourages individuals to take responsibility for their actions instead of merely accommodating those who exhibit jerk-like behavior.

Key Points Discussed:
- Definition of a Jerk: Belanger emphasizes that being a jerk is characterized by a pattern of behavior that negatively impacts the morale, confidence, and energy of others. He cites an academic definition by Robert Sutton, which describes jerks as those whose actions lead others to feel devalued or afraid.
- Introspect, Interact, Iterate Pattern: To transform interactions, he introduces a three-step framework:

- Introspect: Understand your emotions and motives before engaging in a conversation. Recognize feelings such as anger or sadness that may affect your interactions.
- Interact: Engage actively with the other person, practice active listening, and focus on a collaborative dialogue rather than pushing personal agendas.
- Iterate: After interactions, reflect on the conversation’s impact, solicit feedback, and make necessary adjustments to improve future encounters.
- Application in Real Scenarios: Belanger provides practical applications of his framework across various situations like meetings, disagreements, code reviews, and crises. For instance, during meetings, he suggests setting clear roles and encouraging input from all participants, especially those from marginalized groups.
- Handling Disagreements: He advises understanding initial reactions during conflicts and recognizing one's own biases while striving to resolve differences collaboratively.
- Learning from Mistakes: Belanger stresses that mistakes should be treated as learning opportunities rather than grounds for blame, and he encourages a culture of forgiveness and growth in the workplace.
- Encouragement of Self-Improvement: He concludes by stating the importance of ongoing self-awareness, support from peers and managers, and the necessity of venturing to teach others the methods learned, thereby fostering a positive environment.

Overall, Jesse Belanger's talk serves as a guide to recognizing and reforming jerk behaviors, emphasizing the collective responsibility of all to create a supportive and productive work culture.

00:00:21.020 Hey everybody, thanks for coming out! I'm really excited to be here. This is my first conference talk ever, so I'm up here on this big stage, kind of twice my height. Thank you!

00:00:32.640 I'm really excited to be talking to you about this because I feel like most of the time, conversations about jerks at work revolve around what people, who are coping with others' behavior, can do to make that better. I think we've cut the crap; enough is enough. You know, everybody can change their behavior, so it's time for people to take responsibility for their actions.

00:00:43.080 So with that said, who am I? Hi, I'm Jesse, a software engineer at a company called EasyCater in Boston. We have a pretty cool no-policy which basically means that we value people's ability to work on a team as much, if not more than, their ability to be a good engineer. We've built the nation's largest online catering marketplace. However, I do a lot of this—eating, not modeling. I figured I'd show you a picture of my really cute dogs since everybody seems to do that here and give them a chance to go up on the big screen. I also have a confession: I’ve been a jerk sometimes. I still am a jerk, and this is something I work on every day in some capacity.

00:01:03.780 So with that, what does it mean to be a jerk? I'm sure we all have some idea in mind—maybe a person or an action that we think of when we hear that word. Well, it's not something that happens in isolation. You're very unlikely to be a jerk in a vacuum by yourself. It's about how your behaviors impact the people around you.

00:01:15.990 I think this definition isn't quite strong enough. I love this definition from Professor Robert Sutton at Stanford, who states that a jerk's behavior is demeaning. Not only do people not like them, but they also feel afraid, undervalued, or not valued at all. It's very hard to come to the team and contribute when you're living in the shadow of a jerk. It's also important to point out that you act like a jerk at a specific moment in time. We all do it sometimes—we slip up, we get a little cranky, and we do something we might wish we hadn't. But being a jerk is about a pattern of behavior over time—the moving average of your behaviors.

00:02:03.570 For example, maybe on Monday you snapped at somebody, and people largely forget because you’re a nice person most of the time. But if that happens again on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, it starts to damage your relationships, and then people start to think of you as being a jerk. So with that, let's establish our working definition of a jerk: people whose patterns of behavior bring down the energy, confidence, and morale of those around them.

00:02:46.680 So what do these patterns look like? We probably all have ideas of things jerks do—from interrupting to yelling, screaming, cursing, insulting. We can think of them, maybe even more than I've listed. I challenge you to consider both the behaviors that you dislike and the ones you might be guilty of yourself. All of those are anti-patterns; they are optional reactions, bad solutions to problems. I want to propose a new pattern because this talk isn’t really about shaming you or making anyone feel bad for what they have done; it’s about embracing new behaviors.

00:03:20.430 So how many people have heard of the Arrange, Act, Assert pattern for unit tests? Yeah, it's a pretty good one, right? You set up some state before executing the functionality under test, and you have some expectations afterward. In that same spirit, I’m proposing the Introspect, Interact, and Iterate pattern for social behaviors. This follows a before, during, and after pipeline to help you frame your interactions to be a little bit better.

00:04:04.130 So what does Introspect mean? It’s about setting yourself up to have a good interaction with somebody else that leaves them feeling valued by you. The first step there is to identify your emotions and your motives. Are you feeling angry, sad, happy? Are you in a state of emotional volatility? Understanding where you're coming from is going to help you decide whether you should actually proceed or not. For instance, if you’re about to go on the attack against someone, maybe it’s best to stop; that’s not going to end well. Once you’ve determined whether to act based on how you’re feeling, you want to suspend your ego.

00:05:37.630 This is the really hard part. As Sam mentioned in the intro, everybody's here with their own story, their own life, and their own internal monologue. Stepping beyond yourself is a real struggle. When you do this and make space for someone else to matter to you, it makes a big difference in your interactions. The root word of ‘conversation’ comes from ‘to turn with’, so once you’ve made that room, go a step further and embrace empathy. It’s not just about giving space for someone to be there; it’s about being genuinely interested in them and making that connection.

00:06:40.740 Once you've set yourself up for an interaction, the number one thing to do is to actively listen. Active listening is a technique where you're not only hearing what people are saying but also ensuring you understand it well enough to repeat it back. If you don’t understand, ask clarifying questions. You should aim to create a collaborative atmosphere. I don’t know if you guys have experienced this, but sometimes I'll have conversations where I’m just pushing my own agenda, and they are pushing theirs. We never reach any good conclusions; it feels like we’re just blowing hot air at each other.

00:08:59.280 To avoid this, work with the person you’re talking to and strive for a productive outcome. Lastly, after your interaction, check your execution: how did it go? During an interaction with someone, remember that tone and content matter to humans. You can interact with the best intentions but still sound condescending or hurtful if your tone doesn't match your content.

00:10:57.290 Once you’ve interacted positively, it’s essential to iterate. This step is especially useful if you're working on a specific aspect of your behavior. After an interaction, self-reflect: what went well, and what didn't? Solicit feedback—remember to ask the people you trust how you did. If you really take their feedback on board, it shows that you're open to learning. But if you react privately and lash out, you won’t get honest feedback again, and that’s a missed opportunity for growth.

00:12:10.870 After wrapping up that feedback cycle, if someone says they appreciate your efforts but there’s room for improvement, take that on board. Thank them and make a note to enhance your behavior next time. If it feels necessary, it’s vital to apologize. Apologizing is hard, but a good framework for an apology can help. Everyone makes mistakes, so just take ownership of them and learn.

00:13:07.500 I want to dive into practice. This framework can work in lots of situations, but let’s illustrate how it looks in everyday scenarios, such as meetings, disagreements, code reviews, and when things go wrong. Meetings are a particularly good example of a social behavior where you might want to improve. For introspection in meetings, understand what the meeting's purpose is and what your role is.

00:14:43.370 If the meeting has no point, challenge the need for it. If it's a team meeting, contribute as a member rather than trying to dominate the conversation. Setting expectations for your participation helps manage your behavior in these situations. If you're prone to interrupting, acknowledge this and remind yourself to create space for others to contribute.

00:15:46.600 In interactions, make room for all voices, especially those who are marginalized. We’ve had conversations on my team about the importance of ensuring that the quality of ideas is better when everyone feels comfortable to contribute. Listen actively and build on what others say. This collaborative approach not only enriches the conversation but also makes the environment more positive.

00:17:16.860 After a meeting, it’s useful to ask somebody for feedback on how it felt to them. If meetings feel contentious or cold, a good listening process will make a difference, and people will feel more like they can speak freely. If you try something new that improves the situation, note that and share it with your team to reinforce positive interactions.

00:19:01.520 Now let's talk about disagreements. These are challenging because they often happen in real-time. The first step is to understand your initial reaction—do you feel volatile, ready to lash out, or are you inclined to shut down? Recognizing this allows you to process your feelings calmly and constructively. It’s okay to be wrong; as hard as it is, remind yourself of that. Letting go of the ownership of your opinions can help de-escalate a situation.

00:20:58.860 Before starting a disagreement, make sure everyone is clear on what the argument is about and what you each value. Many conflicts arise from miscommunication about what is actually at stake. Ask questions and listen to the responses. Finding common ground during a debate makes it easier to steer the conversation towards a resolution. Focus on building a solution together rather than just discussing your opinions and then walking away.

00:23:23.730 In the context of code reviews, it's crucial to understand what your team is looking to achieve through this process. Code review should focus on code's quality, not just best practices or personal preferences. Remember that code reviews are opportunities for learning. The goal should be to help each other improve rather than simply impose personal standards on others.

00:24:50.900 When conducting reviews, prioritize asking questions over giving commands. This approach cultivates a more conducive environment for dialogue and collaboration. When receiving critiques, appreciate them as help in your development. If disagreements arise from feedback, don’t hesitate to reach out for clarification or further discussion. Often, discussing things face-to-face (or via video call) can resolve issues more quickly than through text.

00:25:51.260 Lastly, it's essential to recognize that mistakes are natural and that everyone has made them, particularly in a technical field. After something goes wrong, focus on identifying the facts and finding a solution quickly, without pointing fingers. Remember, the goal is to learn from the experience. The discourse should encourage a sense of resolution and moving forward without dwelling on past failures.

00:27:02.180 When it comes to improving on these behaviors, the first step is to find your direction. Self-awareness, while challenging, is vital for understanding where you need to focus your efforts. This genuine desire to change must come from you, as transformation requires it to be self-driven. Peers and managers can aid in this journey, especially by providing supportive feedback and highlighting areas for improvement.

00:28:40.000 Be mindful of your risk factors; they can change over time, and life circumstances such as stress or fatigue can trigger jerk-like behaviors. It’s important to apply the principles learned in your professional setting to personal interactions at home, as that will enhance your relationships. Additionally, teaching these practices to others can foster a more supportive and positive environment within your workplace.