The Power of 'No'

by Glenn Harmon

In the talk titled "The Power of 'No'" presented at RubyConf 2022 by Glenn Harmon, the focus is on the importance of setting boundaries in both personal and professional spheres by learning to say no. The talk acknowledges the difficulties many face when it comes to refusing requests or commitments, particularly highlighted by factors such as FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and the pressure of societal expectations, especially for marginalized individuals. Below are the key points discussed in the talk:

Introduction to the Topic: Harmon begins by engaging with the audience about everyday situations, such as unwanted meetings or canceled plans, that many people dread but often feel obliged to attend.
The Importance of Saying No: The talk emphasizes that often saying yes too frequently dilutes the significance of a yes, making it hard to assert boundaries. Harmon stresses that saying yes all the time can lead to exploitation, as it fosters an environment where others may take advantage of your willingness to help.
Reflection on Personal Boundaries: Harmon draws attention to how childhood experiences shape our relationship with the word "no," and he challenges the audience to reflect on when they last felt empowered to set boundaries.
Maintaining Self-Respect: The speaker points out that every time you refuse something, you affirm your values and prioritize your commitments. He illustrates this with examples such as politely declining to join a committee or saying no to a financial request, emphasizing that these moments of refusal reinforce self-identity.
The Challenges of Refusing Requests: Harmon discusses why saying no is often hard, exploring the negative feelings associated with it, such as guilt or concern about letting others down.
Strategies for Saying No: The talk concludes with practical strategies for effectively saying no, suggesting it’s crucial to frame refusals positively and focus on one's personal values.

Overall, the main takeaway from Harmon’s talk is that embracing the power of no is essential for maintaining personal peace and establishing healthy boundaries. By doing so, individuals can protect their time, prioritize their well-being, and assert their identities more clearly. Ultimately, learning to say no is not just about declining requests but affirming one’s value and ensuring commitment to what truly matters to oneself.

00:00:00 Ready for takeoff.

00:00:17 All right, good afternoon.

00:00:22 It has been said that if you aren't in danger of missing your flight, you're getting to the airport too early. Some of you may have elicited some feelings about this. Don't worry, this is not a talk about poor travel advice, but I do want to thank those of you who are catching a flight right after or stayed for this talk. I very much appreciate it. My name is Glenn Harmon, and I'm going to talk to you about the power of 'No.'

00:00:43 For those of you that have seen this before, it's the same exact show as before, except with eight percent more slides. You can find me on LinkedIn as Clint Harmon Jr. I do movie reviews, which you can find on Letterboxd. I'm also on Mastodon, and I’m still on the Bird app. You can listen to me talk about basketball, movies, or post divisive opinions.

00:01:19 Thank you.

00:01:24 A little more about me: I'm a father, husband, cyclist, software developer, and a champion of tough conversations. If you need someone to tell you to get your act together, I'm your guy. I’m also the master of making others feel old. I feel old because my wife and I have two beautiful teenage daughters who can now drive. I like to share that feeling with everyone else.

00:02:09 By a show of hands, how many of you remember going to the theater to see The Lion King? This was released on June 24, 1994. If you remember this, you may already be feeling old. Don’t worry, it’s going to get a lot worse from here. If we fast forward 25 years, almost to the date, most of us will remember the updated version of this coming out in 2019, pre-pandemic times. But if you take those same 25 years and go backward, we land at the moon landing.

00:02:56 Now that might not make you feel old by itself, but the issue here is that the original Lion King is now closer to the moon landing than it is to today. As you can see, I did wake up and choose violence. You probably say yes to too many things. Have you ever been in a situation where you wished you could have said no, but just didn't? If everybody could just raise their hand for a moment. Now I'm going to ask you to put a finger down if you've ever attended a meeting that you wish you hadn't.

00:04:01 Have you ever been happy that plans were canceled because you didn't really want to go in the first place? Do you have goals of reading or writing or picking up a new hobby that you can't seem to find time for? Do you have trouble getting to sleep at night because you're either lying awake thinking about all the things you didn't do, or all the things you wish you had time to do? If any of these resonated with you or you feel seen right now, it's okay; this is a safe space. If you put no fingers down, this might not be the talk for you.

00:05:09 These days, the line between work and home has become blurry at best, and knowing how to say no is more important than ever. This talk is about using this too-little-used two-letter word 'no' to formally establish boundaries and protect your time and values, as well as the people you care about.

00:06:04 This talk will be divided into the following sections: 1) The power of 'No,' 2) Why we can't say no, 3) Why you have to get better at saying no, 4) Evaluating whether or not you should say no, and finally, 5) How to do it.

00:06:27 As children, we learned the word 'no' and used it quite often: 'No, I don't want to eat that,' 'No, I don't want to take a nap,' and 'No, I don't want to share.' Yet, when did we give up the power of trying to establish our own boundaries? There are a few things I'm going to say today that may feel uncomfortable.

00:06:53 The first is this: if you say yes all the time, your yes has no power. It doesn't mean much. Have you ever had someone assume you would do something, like perhaps give them a ride home from work or lend them a few dollars to cover lunch? Have you ever had a boss assume you would pick up an extra task at work because they could count on you saying yes? Eventually, this will lead to exploitation.

00:07:15 A second uncomfortable statement is that you cannot say yes to everything and still stand for something. We're in a room full of people who like to solve problems, so you may already be thinking of scenarios where that may not be true, but I will stand by it. One of my favorite lines from Hamilton is when Hamilton asks Burr, "If you stand for nothing, what will you fall for?"

00:07:46 So, think about those questions I asked at the beginning: Have you ever attended a meeting you wished you hadn’t? Have you ever been happy that plans were canceled because you didn't really want to go? Do you have goals of reading, writing, or picking up new hobbies that you can’t seem to find time for? Have you been struggling to get to sleep at night because you can't pursue the things you genuinely want to do? If you find yourself in these situations, you have fallen into the trap of not protecting your time or yourself.

00:08:12 An article in Psychology Today says that 'No' is a moment of clear choice. It shows, however indirectly, something affirmative about you. Imagine saying no to signing a petition because it’s just not your truth. In that moment, you affirm something about yourself. Imagine saying, 'I will not join your committee,' or 'I will not help with your kids,' or 'I will not review your project.'

00:08:45 You might say no to these because you are committed to some project of your own that is more important. Imagine saying 'count me out' because you’re not comfortable, not in agreement, or simply not interested. Or even saying, 'No, thank you,' because it’s just not something you want to do.

00:09:11 'No' is both a tool and a barrier through which we establish and maintain the distinct perimeter of self. 'No' says, 'This is who I am, this is what I value, this is what I will and will not do, and this is how I will choose to act.' 'No' allows us to recognize that we have limits—those limits could be time, money, or capacity. To maintain those limits, we must become comfortable with saying no. This two-letter word can help you establish honest boundaries and allow you to take care of yourself.

00:10:24 We've discussed the power of 'No,' and you might be wondering, 'Why haven't I been able to say no?' I would like to address this at the outset: it is hard.

00:10:38 It's hard to say no for several reasons. For starters, it feels negative. Whether it's a reasonable 'No,' like, 'Sorry, I don't have the money to lend you,' or a thoughtful 'No,' like, 'Yes, your apple pie is amazing, but I'm trying to limit my sugar intake,' the receiver only hears 'No,' and we feel compelled to feel bad for giving that response.

00:11:08 Another reason we struggle to say 'No' is the concern about the consequences. How do you say 'No' to extra hours at work without feeling like you're letting others down?